Monthly Archives: June 2012

Jun 29 2012
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Funny Names In The News

Funny Names In The News, Third Time’s the Charm

Hello fanittin’ enthusiasts! Dave here with this week’s FNITN (Funny Names In The News) update!

Today’s post is a special one, because I’m writing it while floating on a cloud after pulling off one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. What was it? Completing the MCAT… no. Applying to medical school… wrong again.

Last night, while hanging out with Arto (and about 10 other people) celebrating  our friend Brittany’s birthday, I managed to get a live band to play Merle Haggard’s “Okie From Muskogee” to a bar full of Californian 20- and 30-somethings. It was quite the accomplishment.

Now, on to the task at hand – fulfilling my sacred national duty as this week’s recounter of all things funny named and

It’s only fitting that a guy named Festus Ezeli would go to a school named Vanderbilt

current.

Festus Ezeli (full name: Ifeanyi Festus Ezeli-Ndelue) was drafted 30th in this year’s NBA draft by the Golden State Warriors. He is renowned for his genius-level intelligence (he was once described as someone who could have been the “Nigerian Doogie Howser“), and I hope he can at least get some amusement out of the irony of his situation. I kind of feel bad for the guy. Normally, if you’re drafted early in the first round, you get a big paycheck and play for a horrible team, while those drafted later earn less money but get to play for contenders. Festus managed to be the last pick of the first round and end up with the cellar-dwelling Golden State Warriors… I guess if anyone can make the best of that situation, it’s the Nigerian Doogie Howser. I’m sure making half a million dollars a year as a 23 year old has its perks too, though.

Apparently Arto decided that this would be a good week to read about the proceedings of the New Jersey state assembly, and passed this link on to me. I personally like this article for its usage of the term “Pot Punishments” in the title. Say that phrase out loud once – it’s kind of funny when you ruminate on it. Anyway, I couldn’t care much either way about New Jersey’s pot punishing policies, but the article was written by a guy named Andrew Duffelmeyer, which is a funny name, and therefore gels with the very subtle over-arching theme of this blog.

While I’m catching up with old episodes of my new favorite television comedy, NBC’s Community, I might as well mention that their English Memorial Spanish Center was named after English Memorial, “a Portuguese sailor who discovered Greendale while looking for a fountain that cured syphilis.” A noble name for a notable pursuit.

Aquaman’s favorite tennis player, Mardy Fish, was pushed to the max at Wimbledon the other day. Personally, I prefer the shortened URL ending in “wimbledon-mardy-fish-pushed-max,” but I’m sure Max wasn’t as keen on it.

Natoma Canfield, with a letter from her favorite funny-named president.

While we hate to pollute our Funny Names In The News articles with, you know, actual news, there is a name so exceptional that it supersedes our usual “absurdist news or bust!” insistence. Everyone’s favorite funny-named current U.S. President, Barack Obama (who is being given a run for his money this election by Willard Mitt Romney) has a knack for introducing random people with bizarre names in his speeches – consider, for example, Chaka, Temerria or Andoni. However, after emerging victorious on the biggest Supreme Court decision in years, Obama decided to outdo himself in his presidential address, by mentioning everyone’s favorite figurehead/cancer patient Natoma Canfield (of Canfield, Ohio). Say what you will about America, but there’s a lot to be said for a country where people can name their daughter Natoma and have her reach the point where she’s mentioned in a speech by a sitting president named Barack. Congrats Natoma on a landmark decision that went in your favor!

Jun 28 2012
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Uncategorized

The World According to Zemgus – Funny Names from the NHL Draft

Following up on Rob’s wonderful post on the prestigious MLB draft from a few weeks back, it’s time to take a look at weird and wonderful names from another North American draft. The NHL draft was held in scenic Pittsburgh last Friday and yielded a solid crop of funny names, courtesy of the usual sourcing of pro hockey players from Canadian towns like Saskatoon and tragically vowel-deprived families in the Czech Republic. Here’s a look at ten of the finest names from this year’s draft :

First overall pick Nail Yakupov gets points for being named “Nail”, as well as saying : “no one dreams of being second. That’s stupid”.

1. Slater Koekkoek – The Ontario-born defenceman was selected 10th overall by the Tampa Bay Lightning. In case you’re wondering, the name is pronounced “cuckoo”, which will be a delight to sportscasters for years to come. If only he could wind up on the same team with Jordin Tootoo.

2. Matthew Dumba – Not too many NHL stars are of Romanian-Filipino descent, but the highly promising Mr. Dumba may just become one of the greatest in that narrow category. Dumba was taken 7th overall by the Minnesota Wild, eager to add even more funny names to their impressive roster of amusingly named players. As a bonus, Dumba is a recent winner of the Jim Piggott Memorial Trophy in the junior-level Western Hockey League.

3. Zemgus Girgensons – The highest drafted Latvian in NHL history (quite a feat), Girgensons was taken 14th by the Buffalo Sabres, seeing a need for more Zemguses in their lineup. Zemgus is currently playing college hockey with the Vermont Catamounts, who win the prize for most obscure feline related hockey team name.

4. Jordan Schmaltz – St. Louis Blues selected the sweet-skating Schmaltz in the first round with the 25th selection in the draft. The Wisconsin- born defenceman will bring some smoothness and schmaltz-puns to a team desperately in need of them.

5. Mackenzie MacEachern – Already a winner in life with a coveted “Double-Mac” name, MacEachern won a state High School Championship last year with the delicious-sounding Brother Rice High School in Michigan. Now he can dream of even bigger success having been selected 67th in the draft by the St. Louis Blues, who are doing a good job trying to make sure they are never left out of one of our funnies names posts again like they were in our first NHL funny names post.

6. Teuvo Teräväinen – The fast-skating Finn went 18th to the Chicago Blackhawks, having played with the Finnish team Jokerit last year. It remains to be seen just how the American commentators will approach pronouncing his last name, but I’m sure it’ll be highly entertaining.

“That’s right ladies, my name is Zemgus. You can call me….Zemgus.”

7. Martin Frk – A man in search of a vowel or two, Martin Frk was picked by the Detroit Red Wings, which means that he may eventually get to fulfill two common dreams kids have growing up in the Czech Republic – playing in the National Hockey League, and living in Detroit.

8. Patrick Sieloff – The Calgary Flames have had trouble giving up too many goals in the past few years, so in the second round of the draft they picked this American born kid to “seal off” their defensive zone. Forgive me.

9. Dalton Thrower – A teammate of the famed Tommy Stipancik and Darian Dziurzynski in the great Saskatoon Blades team this season, the fearsome-sounding Thrower was selected by the currently far too gentle Montreal Canadiens to eventually bring some fear into the hearts of their opponents. With a current lineup including not-so-fearsomely named players like Josh Gorges, he sure fills a need.

10. Jujhar Khaira – The son of a gravel-truck operator from Surrey, B.C, Khaira was the one of five players from the small B.C. Hockey League selected in this year’s draft. He also draws a personal connection to the Funny Names Blog, having played for the former hometown team of two-thirds of this blog’s writers, the high-flying Penticton Vees, who dominated their league this year.

Whether all or any of these kids actually make it to the NHL, with names like these it’s clear they will succeed in one thing or another in life. We wish them the best of luck as they pursue their dreams of playing in this fine league (and living in Detroit).

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Jun 27 2012
18 Comments
funny names in baseball

Whoop-La! Funny Baseball Nicknames, Part II

This week we’re turning on the way back machine for round two of funny baseball nicknames. While all of these men played many decades ago, they have all made a lasting mark on baseball history, in one way or another.

Burleigh Arland “Ol’ Stubblebeard” Grimes (1893-1985) – As if being named Burleigh Arland Grimes wasn’t enough, this Hall of Fame pitcher was saddled with the nickname Ol’ Stubblebeard for good measure. Grimes was a fitting last name for this man, who has the dubious distinction of being the last pitcher allowed to legally throw the controversial spitball (a pitch in which the baseball is covered by one or several foreign substances to create unusual, unpredictable motion). Ol’ Stubby was also known for his temperament, gaining the ire of many by once throwing a ball at the batter in the on-deck circle. However, he was also one heck of a pitcher with one hell of a name.

Will “Whoop-La” White (1854-1911) – One of my favorite baseball nicknames ever belongs to a man who holds two of baseball’s unbreakable records. Whoop-La threw an unbelievable 75 complete games during the 1879 season, amassing 680 innings pitched that year. Both are major league records which will never be broken (for perspective, a great pitcher might throw 5 complete games a year and amass perhaps 225 innings). Whoop-La was also the first man to wear eyeglasses on the field. And while he has been largely forgotten in the annals of Major League Baseball, I think there should be more hoopla for Whoop-La!

Whoop-La White – pitcher or frontiersman? They don’t make collars (or ballplayers, for that matter) like that anymore!

Charlie “Piano Legs” Hickman (1876-1934) – A well-regarded utility player and occasional pitcher, Piano Legs was so nicknamed for his apparently poor baserunning skills. But perhaps the nickname was ill-fitting for Hickman, who amassed 91 career triples to go with several inside-the-park home runs. But while his baserunning skills may have been better than he is given credit for, his defense sure wasn’t – Piano Legs set a still-standing Major League record by committing an eye-poppingly bad 90 errors during the 1900 season. Wow!

Jun 26 2012
10 Comments
Uncategorized

Lefty Frizzell

Many of us here at the Derri-Air Center for Advancement of Funny Names are big fans of country music. No, not that newfangled slightly twangy Shania Twain pop business. Oh no, we’re talking about good ol’-fashioned honky-tonkin’ country music as played by the masters like Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard, or Loretta Lynn. That stuff, it sure is a humdinger of a good time. (Others at Funny Names HQ prefer decidedly louder brands of music – I’ll let you guess in good time who’s in which camp).

If I had an unforgettable name like Lefty Frizzell, I too would show it off as prominently as possible.

One of the great legends of old country is a fellow they used to call Lefty Frizzell. Lefty was born in Corsicana, Texas, home of former Texas governor Beauford Jester among many other funny named individuals, but he soon moved with his family to Arkansas. He picked up the guitar as a young boy and soon was making regular appearances on local radio, much like this kid.

Before too long Lefty was making his living playing at honky tonks, saving him from a life working in the oil fields like his father. He picked up the name “Lefty” at a school yard scrap, although his record label later gleefully claimed the name came from Frizzell having won a Golden Gloves boxing match. Sadly, he had not.

The good news is, Lefty soon became one of the premier country music artists in the country. At one point in 1951, he had four songs in the Country Music Top 10 at the same time – a feat that was only bettered thirteen years later by the Beatles with 5 songs in the Top 10 of the pop charts in ’64. All in all in a career spanning over three decades, Lefty had six number one country hits and has been cited as a major influence by artists such as Willie Nelson, Roy Orbison and John Fogerty. Boxing match or not, Lefty sure left a mark in the history books.

This is actually Willie Nelson, but it’s one of those pictures that just puts you on a good mood when you see it, so what the heck

He also left a mark in the house of one R. Harmon Drew, Sr., a judge in Minden, Louisiana, when Lefty smashed his car into judge Drew’s residence while speeding through the neighborhood. Apparently, Drew had always thought Lefty had a “bad attitude”, and one imagines the country star slamming his Cadillac through the front door while he was settling in to watch I Love Lucy did little to improve his image in the judge’s eyes.

In the early 70′s Frizzell moved to Bakersfield, California and became the first country artist ever to play at the Hollywood Bowl. Unfortunately a familiar musician’s fate of those days befell Lefty as well. Years of alcohol abuse took its toll as he died at the age of 47 in 1975, leaving behind a legacy of music and a great name.

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Jun 25 2012
2 Comments
Greatest hits

Olympia Dukakis, and How She Makes the World a Better Place

My name’s Olympia Dukakis. Now, why don’t you tell me something awesome about yourself?

Sometimes, even in this less-than-ideal world, people are born with names like Olympia Dukakis. That is awesome.

Though perhaps overshadowed by her cousin – former Massachussetts governor and unsuccessful 1988 presidential candidate Michael Dukakis – Olympia has carved out a very successful acting career, and last year she earned her 100th film credit at the young age of 80.

Olympia won an Oscar, a Golden Globe, a BAFTA award, and the awesome-sounding Kansas City Film Critics Circle Award for best supporting actress for her role in 1987′s Moonstruck, starring Cher as a lady named Loretta Castorini who becomes romantically interested in her one-handed brother-in-law-to-be, played by Nicolas Cage.

The only reason Olympia was a supporting actress in this film was because the directors took a long hard look at the cast and decided that the name Cher [no last name] (née Cherilyn Bono née Cherilyn LaPierre née Cherilyn Sarkisian), was slightly funnier.

In my mind, that’s debatable, but at least a debate like that would have occurred in a world of my imagination, where everything is as it should be. A world where conversations like this happen:

“Top of the morning to you! My name is Constantine S. Dukakis, and I hail from Anatolia.”
“Hail fellow, well met! I am Alexandra Christos, born and raised in the Peloponnese!”
“Let’s get married and have kids named Olympia and Apollo!”
“Sure thing, pardner!” – Conversation from Lowell, Massachusetts, 1920-something (in a more ideal alternate universe)

and this one:

…speaking of which, I’m a Gemini. What’s your sign, darling?

“Do you caucus?”
“Of course I do caucus, I’m Olympia Dukakis!” – Olympia Dukakis, delegate at the 1988 Democratic National Convention, on how she planned to help her cousin win the party’s nomination (in a more ideal alternate universe)

But unlike her accomplished, but less-telegenic cousin – who had probably the only instance in U.S. political history where a politician’s aspirations were weakened by trying to pander to the military – no one can claim that Olympia was a one-hit wonder: she also earned another Golden Globe nomination (for Sinatra) and three Emmy nominations (for Lucky Day, More Tales of the City, and Joan of Arc).

In 2008, she participated in one of those perfect funny-named occurrences, when Olympia Dukakis starred in a revival of Tennessee Williams’ The Milk Train Doesn’t Stop Here Anymore. This is proof that people like Olympia Dukakis, and the many other names featured on our blog, help make our world a much better place, due to their funny-named awesomeness. Thank you Olympia!

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