Posted in July 2012

Funny Names in the Olympics Continued : Funniest Olympic Medalist Names Of All Time

We’ve gone Olympic crazy here at Funny Names HQ. It’s been four years again and it’s that time to pretend you know all the fencing events apart from one another and can recite your favorite canoers from memory. Which of course means that we here celebrate the strangest, funniest, most unusual and extraordinary names in the Olympic Games.

Following Gaylord Silly‘s appearance last Friday and yesterday’s look into the funniest names at this year’s London games, today it’s time to take a look into the past and celebrate the silliest-named medalists in Summer Olympics history.  So step on in to the time machine and impress your friends at cocktail parties with knowledge on who won gold in the 3000 meter steeplechase in the 1960 games.

Dick Quax, and the Mustache of a Champion.

It was Zdzisław Krzyszkowiak.

Other long distance running funny named Olympians include Dick Quax (full name Theodorus Jacobus Leonardus “Dick” Quax), who took home silver in the 5000 meter event in 1976, and Kenyan Wilfred Bungei, who hopped home with the 800m gold last time around in Beijing. 40 years ago in Munich, Dave Wottle won that same event, perhaps with his name sending all the other contestants into a laughing fit.

In the classic funny name category we have Misty Hyman, the butterfly swimming champ from 2000 in Sydney. Along the same theme there’s German sprint canoer Fanny Fischer, gold medalist from Beijing 2008, and why not her canoeing colleague Magdalena Wunderlich from back in 1972.

Moving back to a more innocent path, everyone danced to the tune of French Archery gold medalist Sebastian Flute in 1992. 92 years before that viewers were incapacitated by the charms of his countryman Henri Hérouin. And who could forget Badmintoner (it’s a word…now) Flandy Limpele, bronze medalist and all around flandy limper from the 2004 games.

Geörgy Kolonics, looking clean and comfy.

Let’s see, what time is it now? Time for childish giggles? Fair enough – how about 2008 200m sprinting bronze medalist Walter Dix to get us started in that category? Or the innocent charm of 1908 boxing lightweight bronze medalist Harry Johnson. We also have the priceless 1996 canoeing gold medalist György Kolonics, whose win was a cleansing experience for us all. He should perhaps be introduced to three-time medalist in swimming Lorraine Crapp of Australia, although then again perhaps not. On that topic, 1972 high jump gold medalist Ulrike Meyfarth, but we won’t hold it against her.

In our classic “names that really shouldn’t go together but are now forever linked because they shared a bronze medal in Judo in 1972″ category, I bring you Brian Jacks and Jean-Paul Coche. 

Funky Zita Funkenhauser, playing it cool.

The most amusing medalist trio is perhaps the Women’s 400 Meters group of Valerie Brisco-Hooks, Chandra Cheeseborough, and Kathy Smallwood-Cook from the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. It’s a good group. Well done, all.

We are almost done, but to add some musical tones to this post I must point out Zita Funkenhauser, the famed 1988 ladies’ fencing bronze medalist, who has not one, but two musical genres in the last name, which is also really fun to say out loud. There’s also bronze medalist sprinter Lloyd LaBeach from 1948, who was presumably known as “The Dude”, but perhaps not. 1956 canoeing silver medalist Igor Pissarov might have had trouble with the ladies, but pole vaulter Gary Honey had a sweeter touch when he claimed silver in 1984.

Share your favorites below the line, and don’t forget our Winter Olympians from years prior Picabo Street and Fritzi Burger. Have fun watching the games and hunting for the silliest names!

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2012 Olympics: More Funny, Strange, and Hilarious Names

We have Olympic fever here at Funny Names HQ!

But in true funny names blog fashion, we’re really not as interested in swimmers like Ryan Lochte or Michael Phelps as much as the opportunity to get to watch sports like trampolining and equestrian dressage.

Oh yes, and the opportunity to see some fantastic names on the world’s stage. Some Olympians have names that are a tad weird, others are overwhelmingly awesome, but one thing that’s certain is that many athletes at this Olympics are not only representing their countries, but also the entire funny name-loving universe.

We’ve recently covered many great Olympic names here and here, but with this post, we hope to set a new personal record by highlighting over 40 of our favorites.

  • Joel Redhead, who might be better referred to as Joel Floatinghead

    In the “Family-friendly anatomical names” category, we have Kiwi rower Michael Arms, Dutch equestrian Tim Lips, and Grenadan track stars Amanda Redhead and Joel Redhead, neither of whom are gingers

  • As far as the “not-so-family-friendly anatomical names” category, there are French swimmer Fanny Babou, the hockey Butt trifecta – Pakistanis Rehan Butt & Imran Butt and German Linas Butt. Other members of this category include Canadian trampolinist Karen Cockburn, Canadian swimmer Victoria Poon, and British swimmer Liam Tancock
  • In the “I Hope This Name is Apt” category, we have Australian boxer Ibrahim Balla, Brazilian soccer player Hulk, Kiwi cyclist Jack Bauer, and Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt
  • In the “I Hope This Name isn’t Apt” category, there’s French hammer thrower Quentin Bigot, French rhythmic gymnast Carole Peon, U.S. Volleyballer Destinee Hooker, American synchronized swimmer Mary Killman, and Canadian track athlete Gavin Smellie
  • In the “Consumables” category, there’s South African track star Willem de Beer, British handballer Kathryn Fudge, Dutch rower Sjoerd Hamburger, and British judo guy Colin Oates… all of whom will be consumed by German discus-thrower Markus Munch.
  • In the “Names that are repetitive and repeat themselves” category, we’ve got Egyptian wrestler Mohamed Mohamed and his countryman/soccer star Mohamed Mohamed, Chinese trampolinist Dong Dong and Mexican diver German Sanchez Sanchez
  • The “Onomatopoeia” category is populated by such greats as Dutch cyclist Lars Boom and Ecuadorian track star Rosa Chacha

We love the name Sparkle McKnight, and apparently the feeling is mutual!

And frankly, there are just some names that must be listed in their full glory. The contradictorily-named “Names That Defy Categorization Category” includes:

  • Indian badmintonner (hey, Shakespeare invented words too!) Diju V
  • Brazilian rower Kissya da Costa
  • Chinese shooter Yu Du
  • American hurdler Lolo Jones
  • Bahrainian track star Shitaye Eshete
  • British basketball player Pops Mensah-Bonsu
  • The legendary Trinidadian track athlete Sparkle Mcknight
  • and once again, the entire US Women’s basketball team.

Funny Names at the Olympics are driving Gaylord Silly – FNITN 7

(Dave’s note: With today’s post, Rob returns to the Blog of Funny Names after working 113 hours in a 9-day span on a big consulting case. We’re glad to have him back, and I’m sure he’s glad to be back as well. Enjoy Funny Names In The News, Volume 7!)

Like everyone else on earth, we’re here scrambling to find out as much news as possible to become acquainted with the brand new Olympic athlete names that we’ll be hearing a lot of over the coming weeks. However, being the Blog of Funny Names, we take a somewhat different approach.

We’ve already covered 2/3 of the U.S. Women’s basketball team in our Cappie Pondexter article, but our research for these Olympians has brought us upon the name of a talented runner who unfortunately just missed out on a trip to London.

Gaylord Silly made news by setting a new Seychelles record for the 800-metre event, but came short of making the Olympics at the Istanbul indoor championships in March.

If only Olympic trials were judged based on funny names, then this screenshot might have been reversed, because frankly, there are four very good names coming from this heat, and it was the boring one that came in first. At least the great Adam Kszczot earned a qualifying spot in next week’s Olympics.

We’ll be bringing you more funny Olympian names next Monday, but until then, keep your eyes peeled for Adam Kszczot (Polish runner), Florian Fuchs (German hockey player), Bahrainian track star Shitaye Eshete, Chinese trampolinist Dong Dong, and Brazillian soccer player Hulk. Just “Hulk.

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In what has to be the best headline of the week, Chelsea (the soccer team) has acquired the treacherous Thorgan Hazard from Lens.

Gosh, I’m getting thirsty. Get in here, Schmidlap!

Hazard (born 1993) is an up-and-coming youngster, who was once described by a coach as a “technically gifted player who can settle a match by himself with ease”. He also, in my expert opinion, bears a striking resemblance to pro wrestler “The Miz” in the photo in that article. Hazard plays as either a midfielder and a winger. His brother, Eden Hazard, also plays for Chelsea. Talk about a dangerous duo! One final note on this story – Thorgan’s former team, Lens, is technically known as RC Lens. What does RC Lens stand for? Racing Club de Lens, of course! What kind of soccer team calls itself a “Racing Club?” Beats me.

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On a more serious note, some news that has likely been talked about endlessly at office water coolers around the country is the story of…well, Irving Schmidlap. Just kidding folks, but Schmidlap and water coolers aren’t exactly poorly-acquainted. You see, Irving Schmidlap serves as a (possibly fictitious) “adviser” to the Mitt Romney presidential campaign, despite the fact that his main job is filling water coolers. How he made the news beats me, but it begs the question – how thirsty must Romney’s folks be that they need an intern simply to refill their water cooler?

Stirling Silliphant

“Are you telling me this movie is about killer bees? I really need to start reading scripts before I agree to a film.”

Stirling Silliphant had one of the best names I’ve ever known. He got it from his Canadian immigrant parents upon his birth in the great city of Detroit, Michigan back in 1918. I was unable to trace the Silliphant name back any further but I think it’s enough to say that any name that blends the words “silly” and “elephant” should be celebrated across the globe.

Like everyone  in Los Angeles, Stirling wound up in the entertainment business, first working PR for Walt Disney and then writing some segments for the Mickey Mouse Club back in the 50′s. From there he moved on to writing for shows like Naked City and Perry Mason and he was off to what was to be a nearly half-century career of writing for the movies and television. In between writing movies Silliphant found the time to marry four times, each time to reasonably funny named ladies, in this order :

1. Iris Garff
2. Edna Marie Patella
3. Margot Roth Goelke
4. Tiana Alexandra DuLong

He won an Oscar for his script for In the Heat of the Night. If you ever wondered who wrote that famous line “They call me Mister Tibbs!”, that was Stirling Silliphant. Only someone with a name like his could name a leading character Virgil Tibbs. Priceless.

Silliphant also had plenty of time to experience the sillier side of Hollywood (is there any other side?). Having finished a screenplay for The Towering Inferno for producer Irwin Allen, he was forced to rewrite the script so that co-stars Paul Newman and Steve McQueen would each have the exact same number of lines. In Hollywood, that’s a perfectly reasonable request.

This is a real movie. It’s awesome. Stallone’s name changes half way through the film, presumably because they just forgot what it was.

Silliphant is also famous for a fateful meeting in a coffee shop with fertilizer salesman Hal Warren. Warren bet an incredulous Silliphant that he could make a real horror movie all on his own. Silliphant accepted the bet, and Warren went on to craft Manos : The Hands of Fate, perhaps the worst film ever made. Still, you have to admit Warren won the bet. Regardless of its quality, the film was definitely made. Silliphant himself had nothing to do with that movie’s production, but he made up for it by later writing the preposterous Michael Caine vs. killer bees movie The Swarm, which turned out to be one of the biggest flops of the 70′s and almost killed his career.

In his awesome life, Stirling Silliphant also wrote or produced the first three Shaft movies, learned martial arts under the tutelage of Bruce Lee, whom he then recommended to movie producers in Hollywood, and co-wrote the awesomely bad arm-wrestling saga Over the Top with Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone. After that Silliphant was about ready to call it a day and retired to Thailand to enjoy his family and count his stack of money. Not a bad move.

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Kenesaw Mountain Landis

(Dave’s note: Rob’s litigation consulting company has been working crazy long days on a huge case for the past week or so, and I’m covering for him today. Rob will be back in action  doing his first Funny Names In The News post on Friday, which gives me a rare opportunity to write a baseball post, since Rob has been hogging those lately :) )

“Hey, why don’t we name our son after the place his father got shot in the leg?” – A statement that was made probably made once, ever.

Effective leadership is a tricky thing. Sometimes you really need a person with a nuanced understanding of complex issues, and other times it takes a firebrand – someone who is hellbent on one or two issues to the exclusion of all others. For the latter category, being described as “the only successful dictator in United States history” is a very good thing, and for that reason, today’s nominee not only became the first commissioner in Major League Baseball history, but is remembered as one of the sport’s finest.

Just look at that guy. Just by looking at his face, you can see why his parents named him after Kennesaw Mountain, Georgia – the place where his father served as a Civil War medic and got shot in the leg.

It’s safe to call Kenesaw Mountain Landis a hardcore SOB – but only because he’s no longer alive. If I said something like that between about 1905 and 1944, he would probably have me banned not only from ever writing about baseball again (hey, he’s kind of like Rob! ;) ) but also from writing about anything, period.

That’s just the way Kenesaw was, and to understand his legacy, you need to understand what baseball was like before he became commish in 1920. In 1919, the Black Sox Scandal tarnished the game’s already-spotty reputation, when eight players were paid off by gamblers to intentionally lose the world series. This, combined with the sport’s freewheeling, slap-happy reputation and questionable financial dealings, created the need for a strong authoritarian to clean up the game, and almost unanimously, people chose ol’ Kenny Landis (who probably would hate me for calling him that too).

Apparently, in the days before the Funny Names Blog, people thought stuff like this was funny. It was a simpler time.

Landis was a former judge, who was ballsy enough to sue Nelson Rockefeller $30 million dollars, and take on other leaders of giant monopolies during the early part of the century. To show he could hit from both sides of the plate, he later sent a lot of radical labor leaders to prison for sedition. In between, he presided over an antitrust case against Major League Baseball that many believe saved the sport.

His first move as commissioner was to ban the eight Black Sox culprits from baseball for life, inadvertently creating one of the best-named groups of all time. The players who got the axe: Eddie Cicotte, Happy Felsch, Chick Gandil, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Fred McMullin, Swede Risberg, Buck Weaver, and Lefty Weaver.

Then just to show he feared no one, he then went after hall-of-famers Ty Cobb, Tris Speaker, and Smokey Joe Wood. Then he decided to suspend Babe Ruth – the game’s most famous player – for a month and half in the 1922 season.

Later on, in the final game of the 1934 World Series, he kicked another hall-of-famer, Joe “Ducky” Medwick out of a game for sliding too hard into third base. (Perhaps Landis had decided that the best way to ensure his dominance over the league was by going after talented, funny-named players – a decision I simply can’t support)

Either (a) Kenesaw Mountain Landis throwing a ceremonial first pitch, or (b) the last thing some rulebreaker ever saw before Landis smote him.

Unsurprisingly, the legacy of Kenesaw Mountain Landis is one that has stoked considerable controversy, as some blame him for keeping baseball’s “color barrier” in place longer than it otherwise might have. This accusation of racism is obviously not flattering to Landis for several reasons – not the least of which was because Major League Baseball would have been much better if guys like Spottswood Poles were allowed to participate.

There’s no blatant evidence supporting the accusation, but observers note that less than three years after Landis’ death, under his successor Happy Chandler,Jackie Robinson became the first African-American to play in the big leagues.

Nonetheless, most baseball historians say Kenesaw Mountain Landis was exactly the iron-fisted ruler that baseball needed during a time when its very existence was on the ropes. I’m tempted to agree.

Hopefully that last paragraph proves two things:

  1. I’m way better at using boxing metaphors than baseball ones.
  2. As you might expect, I’m willing to give a guy named Kenesaw Mountain Landis the benefit of the doubt.

P.S. Last week, our brilliant blog friend (and minor baseball celebrity) Mark Sackler awarded me with the inaugural BLAHS award! You know what that means: bragging rights and a second great way to pick up girls!

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