Tag Archives: athletes

Apr 24 2013
37 Comments
funny names

Funny Names in the NFL Draft 2013

I am about to commit the ultimate heresy as a 50-year keeper and chronicler of baseball funny names.

This post is about funny names in football,  which I admit concede nothing to baseball in this post-post-modern era. One has simply to look at just a few of the names in the recent history of the game to get the drift.  Plaxico Burress. Osi Umenyiora. Mathias Kiwanuka. Santana Moss.  D’Brickashaw Ferguson.  And this list is only a partial accounting of the unusual and funny names that have passed through just one NFL city–New York–over the past decade.

The NFL draft begins tomorrow evening.  We would be remiss in not giving it its due.  Further, we will involve you, the reader in a stirring competition: a poll to pick the funniest name in the 2013 NFL draft.  So without further banter, here are the nominees for Funniest Name in the 2013 NFL draft.

The nominees  (listed in the order they are likely to go in the draft):

  1. Barkeveious Mingo, Defensive End, LSU.   Mingo is widely regarded as one of the top defensive ends in the draft. with many mock drafts projecting him as a top ten first round pick, and almost all of them putting him in the top 15.
    Barkevious Mingo. (Pick me! Pick me!)

    Barkevious Mingo.
    (Pick me! Pick me!)

    Too bad, because my beloved NY Giants, picking 19th, could use his skill and his awesome name to replace the departed Osi Umenyiora.  Oh, and if the name Barkevious isn’t enough, he has two older brothers named Hugh and Hughtevious.  If the latter was in the NFL, too–what a pair that would make!

  2. Star Lotulelei, Defensive Tackle, Utah.  Another defensive lineman likely to be selected in the first 15 selections of the first round, he will join a handful of other NFL players born in the Kingdom of Tonga.  (Other Tongans in the NFL include Deuce Lutei,  Haloti Ngata and Naufahu Tahi among others.  The place is a veritable font of funny names.) His family moved to Utah when he was nine and he has been there ever since.  It is also noteworthy that he added to his funny named glory by marrying one Fuiva Hola.
  3. Manti Te’o,  Inside Linebacker, Notre Dame.  This poor guy. If he didn’t get enough press for being victimized by an insensitive prank, now he gets victimized by his name.  But we consider this an honor, even if he doesn’t.  Te’o led Notre Dame’s strong defense to the national championship game in January of this year.  He is a likely choice for the latter stages of the first round or early in the second round.  Manti is Hawaiian, and he’s got some other funny names in the family:  mother Ottilia, sister Tiare and brother Manessah.  Well, they’re funny if you’re not Hawaiian.
  4. Cornellius Carradine,  Defensive End, Florida State.  A probable second-rounder, Carradine was only slated for honorable mention on my original list.  But then I read the Corneli are Never Superfluous Truism and realized this guy had to be in the fight.  The only detraction is that his nickname is “Tank.”  Heck, why ruin an awesome name like Cornellius with a rather hackneyed nickname? Oh well, after baseball hall-of-famer Cornelius McGillicuddy, A.K.A. Connie Mack, the name Cornelius should have been retired from all sports, even if spelled with two l’s.
  5. Blidi Wreh-Wilson, Cornerback, Connecticut.  You have to help me on this.  I can’t decide if this name would be funnier if it was just Blidi Wreh.  Does the -Wilson help or hurt here?  You, the voters must decide.  Hey, there is less bio information online about this guy, so I had to say something besides just “GO UCONN!” (Oh yeah, “Go UCONN.” My wife and daughter are both alums.)
  6. Bacarri Rambo, Safety, Georgia. Wow!  There really is somebody named Rambo in real life–and with a better first name!  I’m also guessing he is probably more dangerous on a football field than Sylvester Stallone. Like Wreh-Wilson, he is projected for about the third round–he probably would be rated higher if not for a drug suspension last year.

Honorable mentions…Shariff Floyd…D.J. Fluker…Chance Warmack…Luke Jaeckel…Ezekial Ansah…Darius Slay…the list goes on and on, and that’s just in the first two rounds.

We can make a couple of observations from the above, both possibly fodder for Funny Names Theory.  First, the best funny names tend toward the higher rounds in the draft and second, funny names tend to run in the family, at least with football players.  The voting begins now and will run through next Wednesday.  The results will be announced in next week’s Funny Names in the News.  As Al Capone said, vote early and vote often;  there is no limit.  (This means you can vote as many times as you like.)

So tell us… who would you pick? (based only on their name)

(Note: for baseball related posts and other mental effluvia, check out my own blog,  The Millennium Conjectures.)

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Mar 06 2013
38 Comments
funny names in baseball

Mel Ott

I think I’ve just set a record for the shortest name of any person profiled on the blog. Huzzah!

Melvin Thomas Ott (1909-1958) was a major league right fielder. And he was a heck of a right fielder, to say the least. A career-long New York Giant (he played with them from 1926-1947), the diminutive Ott – 5’9”, 170 pounds – was the first National League player to surpass 500 home runs. He racked up 511 career dingers to go along with an impressive .304 average and 2,876 hits. Amazingly, from 1928-1945, he led his team in home runs. His 18-year streak is a major league record – no other player has led his team in home runs that many years in a row. Another neat fact about Ott is that he started his Big League career at the age of 17, and he hit for the cycle at age 20 – wow! He is still the youngest man to hit for the cycle.

Thank you 1940's baseball card makers for the quote marks. I wouldn't have had a clue that "Mel" is short for something.

Thank you 1940′s baseball card makers for the quote marks. I wouldn’t have had a clue that “Mel” is short for something.

Ott’s managerial career was also of some note, and helped spawn a famous quote. Ott’s easy-going managing style, and the fact that he was managing a bad Giants team, led Leo Durocher to coin the now famous phrase “nice guys finish last!” in reference to Ott and his 1946 Giants. Actually, the story is a bit muddier than that , as Durocher may not have said exactly that line, but the phrase became attributed to Durocher, and a famous saying was born.

You go, Mel!

Here’s Ogden Nash (who else?) to close it out, as only he can.

O is for Ott
Of the restless right foot.
When he leaned on the pellet,
The pellet stayed put.

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Mar 04 2013
19 Comments
Uncategorized

Nonito Donaire

Howdy everyone! Today we’ll make a little return to normalcy after one of the craziest weeks in this blog’s history. Seriously, every day had something unusual. Some days more than others :)

Monday – Arto forgets to write his post, so Amb fills in instead
Tuesday – Arto then posts an Oscars update, pushing Fannie back to Wednesday
Wednesday – Fannie posts a delightful Ethel Merman post, and Rob decides to pre-empt himself this week, and then we post a rare “special feature” telling you to vote for Hankybook
Thursday – Mailman returns!
Friday – I had an exam (to cap off a crazy week in the non-funny-names world), and so the night before, I enlisted Amb and Liz to write this week’s FNITN. And they return with this delightful, off-the-wall recap.

I was considering posting about one of my all-time favorite loons, but decided that one can wait until my next post, so everyone has a chance to breathe :) Instead, I’m posting someone with a funny name who I admire tremendously instead. I hope you enjoy. – Dave

Seriously, look at that face!

Seriously, look at that face!

Nonito Donaire.

5’6″ tall.

122 pounds.

This face:

His hobbies include photography and anti-bullying activism, and his wife includes sitting on the beach and reading as one of her favorite things to do.

Nonito is a sweet and sensitive fellow – polite, friendly, humble, and extremely well-adjusted.

If I were to have you guess what that guy did for a living, I bet “knocking out people with his fists” would not have ranked in the top 5.  (Unless you’re an astute follower of our blog.)

But “top 5″ “knocking out people with his fists” and “Nonito Donaire” have a lot in common, because he’s one of the top five pound-for-pound boxers in the world today, and he’s notable for other reasons.

Nonito is the leading voice for clean boxing, speaking out against all forms of blood doping and becoming the poster child for VADA, the voluntary anti-doping association. He is reportedly the only boxer to follow ongoing, 24/7/365 (and 366 on leap years) randomized blood testing protocol, and has now mandated that all of his opponents enroll in a similar anti-doping program in order to fight him.

The best thing: he is such a big name in the lower weight divisions that they often do. This list includes his upcoming opponent, Guillermo Rigondeaux who reluctantly agreed to the tests after weeks of contractual brinksmanship, and then posted a video of himself just before getting his blood drawn, while a member of his camp called Donaire “un rata de laboratorio” (a lab rat).

But lest anyone think Donaire is a “protected fighter” (one of the biggest insults in boxing… meaning someone who only fights tomato cans…which might be the biggest insult in boxing), he isn’t. The Filipino Flash fought four times last year, en route to the 2012 Sugar Ray Robinson Award – the Boxing Writers Association of America’s annual “fighter of the year” award.

Oh, and in case any of his opponents get caught doping anyway, Donaire has said that he’d be willing to make sure they learn the error of their ways.

“I believe that people who try to enhance themselves in that way should be punished in every way. But at the same time I’m still willing to fight, I’m a fighter. I want to fight guys who are on it because it gives me a better challenge. I’m crazy like that.” – Nonito Donaire

Admire me all you like... just don't call me "cute." (I prefer the term "adorable")

Alright Dave, admire me all you like… just don’t call me “cute.” Have I made myself clear?!

No, apparently I have not.

No, apparently I have not.

 

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Jan 15 2013
14 Comments
Greatest hits

Clyde Kluttz

(Dave’s Note: With today’s post, we welcome the consistently remarkable Mark Sackler of Millennium Conjectures to our list of Funny Names Blog columnists. Join us in giving a warm welcome to Mark!)

Klutz–noun, Slang. 1. a clumsy, awkward person.  2. a stupid or foolish person; blockhead.

Origin:
1965–70,  Americanism; < Yiddish klots  literally, wooden beam < Middle High German kloc  ( German Klotz )

Wow.  Can you imagine a more unfortunate name for a professional athlete?  There may be many that come close, and I will cite a couple at the end of this post.

Clyde Kluttz baseball card, c. 1952

Clyde Franklin Kluttz (1917-1979) was a journeyman major league catcher for the Boston Braves, New York Giants, St. Louis Cardinals, Pittsburgh Pirates, St. Louis Browns and Washington Senators.  His  career was so undistinguished that  four of the six teams he played for no longer even exist in their original cities.  In nine major league seasons between 1942 and 1952 he hit .268 with career HR and RBI totals of just 19 and 212.  In fact, his post playing career as a scout was far more distinguished.  The pinnacle of his post-playing days came as director of scouting for the New York Yankees (1974-75) and director of player development for the Baltimore Orioles from 1976 until his death in 1979.  One of his greatest achievements was to convince then free agent Jim “Catfish” Hunter–one of the greatest nicknamed players of all time–to sign with the Yankees after the 1974 season, thus contributing to the foundation of the Bronx Zoo that won world championships in 1977 and 1978.
So back to the name itself.  While his playing days certainly seem to have predated the development of  the American slang usage of the term, as the dictionary.com definition above indicates, I must take issue with their timing.  Back in my junior high school days, c.1962-64, my best friend and I compiled a list of the 50 wackiest baseball names of all times.  Now, going through an entire all-time baseball register in this manner is something only an adolescent boy would do in the first place, but it is something I have never forgotten.  Clyde Kluttz was #1 on both of our ballots.  Believe me, it wasn’t just that the name sounded funny and had a great ring to it.  We knew well even then the meaning of the word klutz.
As for other inappropriately or unfortunately named athletes,  two of my favorites are Richie Incognito, an offensive lineman for the Miami Dolphins, and Grant Balfour, a relief pitcher for the Oakland Athletics.  If there is anything Richie Incognito can’t do, it’s go incognito.  He is 6’3″ and weighs 324 lbs.  As for Balfour–I can’t imagine the ribbing he must get on the field, particularly from opposing teams.  A pitcher named Ball Four? Really?  There are others out there, but for the the most unlikely professional sports name of all time, Clyde Kluttz still takes my cake!
Mark Sackler
Read about my own baseball history here.
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May 18 2012
12 Comments
Greatest hits

Abbye “Pudgy” Stockton

“Foremost Female Physical Culturist, Writer, Authority on Feminine Figure Contouring, Cover Girl.” 

“There, you can go ahead and grab those keys that were wedged under this 5000 pound weight now”.

So read the business card of one Abbye “Pudgy” Stockton, a pioneer of female bodybuilding and weight lifting in the 1940s and 1950s. She also briefly ran a gym on Sunset Boulevard named “the Salon of Figure Development”. With credentials like those, you’re Funny Names Blog- bound from the start.

Abbye had acquired the nickname “Pudgy” as a child, and as nicknames tend to do, it stuck. It wasn’t a particularly apt name, considering at 5’2” she only weighed about 115 pounds, but it does sound funny and personable so we at Funny Names Central are certainly delighted she kept it.

Pudgy found fame after her husband Les bought her a pair of dumbbells to help her shed some of the weight she had gained working as a telephone operator. Not long after, she and Les found themselves frequent visitors to Santa Monica’s Muscle Beach. They soon attracted huge crowds who came to watch them perform acrobatics and displays of strength.

Pudgy was a breath of fresh air in an age when women weren’t exactly synonymous with weight lifting. She was featured on the covers of dozens of magazines in her patented two-piece swimsuit, and wrote an advice column in Strength & Health magazine for years.

Moments after this picture was taken, a stray bird ruined the party.

She helped organize the very first sanctioned women’s weight lifting contest way back in 1947  in Los Angeles. In 1948 she acquired the title of “Miss Physical Culture Venus”, a rare honor in an age where women’s “physique contests” barely existed.

We remember her fondly not just for her great accomplishments and amazing job titles, but also the unusual spelling of her first name and delightful nickname.

Those of you expecting girls, go ahead and add Pudgy to your list of potential names. It’s only a fitting tribute to a great woman who literally smashed through gender barriers.

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