Tag Archives: hockey

Oct 09 2012
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Greatest hits

Orland Kurtenbach and the Legend of Flin Flon, Manitoba

The Funny Names Blog appreciates people with funny names. It appreciates people with funny names who come from funnily named towns, play for strange sounding sports teams, and connect to cities in Canada named after science fiction characters even more.

Orland Kurtenbach, the handsome devil, live on fake TV.

The great Orland Kurtenbach ticks all the boxes, and more.

Orland, being a Canadian, was of course a professional hockey player. Hailing from Cudworth, Saskatchewan, where he grew up on a farm, young Orland seemed destined for a hockey career from the start. He began as a defenceman, playing for the Prince Albert Mintos for two seasons, just the first of a series of hilariously named hockey teams in his career.

After a while, his attacking instincts proved him more suitable as a forward, where he was to be deployed for the rest of his playing days. During his junior career, along with the Mintos, he also appeared for the Saskatoon Quakers and the Flin Flon Bombers. At the latter he won the legendary Memorial Cup in 1957.

Before we move forward, I should probably address the Flin Flon Bombers here. Yes, Flin Flon is a real town in Canada, in that tropical paradise sometimes referred to as Manitoba. The town probably deserves its own blog post here, but I will just mention that it was named after its founding in 1927 after a science fiction novel called The Sunless City, whose main character bore the fantastic name of Josiah Flintabbatey Flonatin. Hey, if I was reading that book and happened to be founding a town immediately afterwards, I’b be tempted to flonatin it up a bit myself.

The town of Flin Flon, population 5592, give or take a few, is home to this statue of Josiah Flintabbatey Flonatin, one of the nicest statues of Josiah Flintabbatey Flonatin erected anywhere.

But we’ll return to that story at a later date.

Orland Kurtenbach started his professional career immediately following his triumph in Flin Flon, earning a contract with the Vancouver Canucks, then in the minor WHL league. He did well enough in his first season to earn Rookie of the Year honors as Vancouver went on to playoff success that year, managing not to incite any riots in the process.

He toiled in the minor leagues for a long time, eventually ending up with the Toronto Maple Leafs where our old friend Punch Imlach gave him a chance to be a regular player in the biggest of pro leagues, the NHL. Later he wound up back with the Canucks, who had in the meantime joined the NHL as part of its ongoing expansion. He became their captain and ended up playing a highly respectable 639 games in the NHL before his retirement.

To keep his funny name legacy going, Kurtenbach turned to coaching after his playing career, holding jobs with the Seattle Totems, Tulsa Oilers, and best of all, the Richmond Sockeyes in the minor leagues. He retired from hockey in the mid 80′s and now runs a golf range in British Columbia with his wife, enjoying his memories of Flin Flon.

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Jul 06 2012
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Funny Names In The News

A Cornelius Sighting and Zoard Action! It Must Be Funny Names In The News – Week IV

Another week, another update on Funny Names in the News! Wear your finest suspenders and dust off that sponsored baseball cap from an obscure local business (I love my Dusty’s Hydroponics hat) because it’s time to dress up in style and honor the more accomplished silly-named individuals of the week.

NBA Champion Dexter Pittman, showing off his pits, man.

My Esteemed Colleague® Dave tells me Adele Laurie Blue Adkins, better known as just Adele, or “that voice in my head for the past two years”, has broken her barren streak in the news by announcing she’s having a baby. Here’s hoping it’s a Cornelius!

In more celebrity baby news, Twilight “star” Cam Joslin Gigandet and fiancee Dominique Geisendorff are expecting another child. Their first child was named Everleigh, which is kind of like Ever Gabo, except not nearly as good.

In the sports section, an amusing story tells us NBA champion LeBron Raymone James almost lost his Playoff MVP Award moments after winning it. It should be a win enough to have that name, and to get to play with people named Dwyane Wade, Udonis Haslem, and Dexter Pittman.

Elsewhere in sports, The University of Massachusetts hockey program has hired the excellently named Rand Pecknold, who was previously employed by Quinnipiac. He replaces Don Cahoon, according to this story in the College Hockey News, which looks legitimate, but is so filled with funny names it almost seems fake.

Beginning our sure-to-be-acclaimed series “This Week In Legal Threat- Inspired Nonsense“, a lifeguard in Florida was fired for saving a man’s life because the man was drowning outside of his work zone. This is relevant to our blog because one of the man’s co-workers who later resigned in protest and talked to the Globe and Mail is called Zoard Janko. Hey, if there’s one place you’ll find a guy named Zoard, it’s probably at the beach. Zoard!

Elsewhere in sports, Cornelius “K9″ Bundrage prevailed in a boxing match against Cory Spinks last Saturday, resulting in him barking like a dog on live television. I’m told this is perfectly normal, and perhaps should expected from someone named Cornelius Bundrage.

It can’t be easy being a kicker called Blewitt. That kid was just set up for abuse.

Jinky Llamanzares knows anyone named Jinky is an automatic badass.

And while this is technically not from this week, I can’t pass up the opportunity to share someone with the name Jinky, so here goes. The venerable stage performer Jinky Llamanzares is currently performing on stage in Rock of Ages in Toronto. We recommend you make the trip, or if you’re one of our regular readers in that fine city, do take the opportunity to see Jinky in action. (Dave’s Note: Manny Pacquiao’s wife Jinkee agrees!)

That’s it for this week! Happy Travels!

P.S We hope to see someone named Happy Travels in next week’s edition.

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Jun 28 2012
11 Comments
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The World According to Zemgus – Funny Names from the NHL Draft

Following up on Rob’s wonderful post on the prestigious MLB draft from a few weeks back, it’s time to take a look at weird and wonderful names from another North American draft. The NHL draft was held in scenic Pittsburgh last Friday and yielded a solid crop of funny names, courtesy of the usual sourcing of pro hockey players from Canadian towns like Saskatoon and tragically vowel-deprived families in the Czech Republic. Here’s a look at ten of the finest names from this year’s draft :

First overall pick Nail Yakupov gets points for being named “Nail”, as well as saying : “no one dreams of being second. That’s stupid”.

1. Slater Koekkoek – The Ontario-born defenceman was selected 10th overall by the Tampa Bay Lightning. In case you’re wondering, the name is pronounced “cuckoo”, which will be a delight to sportscasters for years to come. If only he could wind up on the same team with Jordin Tootoo.

2. Matthew Dumba – Not too many NHL stars are of Romanian-Filipino descent, but the highly promising Mr. Dumba may just become one of the greatest in that narrow category. Dumba was taken 7th overall by the Minnesota Wild, eager to add even more funny names to their impressive roster of amusingly named players. As a bonus, Dumba is a recent winner of the Jim Piggott Memorial Trophy in the junior-level Western Hockey League.

3. Zemgus Girgensons – The highest drafted Latvian in NHL history (quite a feat), Girgensons was taken 14th by the Buffalo Sabres, seeing a need for more Zemguses in their lineup. Zemgus is currently playing college hockey with the Vermont Catamounts, who win the prize for most obscure feline related hockey team name.

4. Jordan Schmaltz – St. Louis Blues selected the sweet-skating Schmaltz in the first round with the 25th selection in the draft. The Wisconsin- born defenceman will bring some smoothness and schmaltz-puns to a team desperately in need of them.

5. Mackenzie MacEachern – Already a winner in life with a coveted “Double-Mac” name, MacEachern won a state High School Championship last year with the delicious-sounding Brother Rice High School in Michigan. Now he can dream of even bigger success having been selected 67th in the draft by the St. Louis Blues, who are doing a good job trying to make sure they are never left out of one of our funnies names posts again like they were in our first NHL funny names post.

6. Teuvo Teräväinen – The fast-skating Finn went 18th to the Chicago Blackhawks, having played with the Finnish team Jokerit last year. It remains to be seen just how the American commentators will approach pronouncing his last name, but I’m sure it’ll be highly entertaining.

“That’s right ladies, my name is Zemgus. You can call me….Zemgus.”

7. Martin Frk – A man in search of a vowel or two, Martin Frk was picked by the Detroit Red Wings, which means that he may eventually get to fulfill two common dreams kids have growing up in the Czech Republic – playing in the National Hockey League, and living in Detroit.

8. Patrick Sieloff – The Calgary Flames have had trouble giving up too many goals in the past few years, so in the second round of the draft they picked this American born kid to “seal off” their defensive zone. Forgive me.

9. Dalton Thrower – A teammate of the famed Tommy Stipancik and Darian Dziurzynski in the great Saskatoon Blades team this season, the fearsome-sounding Thrower was selected by the currently far too gentle Montreal Canadiens to eventually bring some fear into the hearts of their opponents. With a current lineup including not-so-fearsomely named players like Josh Gorges, he sure fills a need.

10. Jujhar Khaira – The son of a gravel-truck operator from Surrey, B.C, Khaira was the one of five players from the small B.C. Hockey League selected in this year’s draft. He also draws a personal connection to the Funny Names Blog, having played for the former hometown team of two-thirds of this blog’s writers, the high-flying Penticton Vees, who dominated their league this year.

Whether all or any of these kids actually make it to the NHL, with names like these it’s clear they will succeed in one thing or another in life. We wish them the best of luck as they pursue their dreams of playing in this fine league (and living in Detroit).

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May 15 2012
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Punch Imlach

George Imlach packed a punch. That may just be why he was generally known as “Punch”. Of course, it’s possible he was a master at the beverage bowl at New Year’s parties but that seems like a bit of a stretch.

“I recognize that I am a stubborn, tough bastard to deal with.”
- Punch Imlach

Punch Imlach was a hard-assed general manager and coach with hockey’s Toronto Maple Leafs and Buffalo Sabres from the fifties all the way to 1980, winning four Stanley Cups and being named in the Hockey Hall of Fame in the process. He actually got his nickname during his own playing career, when he was knocked out by a stray elbow, got up, and came back swinging – at his own trainer who had rushed onto the ice to help him up.

While he had the dubious judgment to coach the Toronto Maple Leafs, Punch Imlach clearly had great taste in headgear.

Imlach was one of those larger-than-life hockey personalities in that era that left us a smorgasbord of great stories.

For instance, in the 1974 entry draft, Imlach was on the phone announcing the Buffalo Sabres’ draft picks.  He became increasingly bored with the drafting process which had dragged on for hours on end. Then, apparently just to mess with the commissioner Clarence Campbell, in the 11th round he selected an imaginary Japanese player, Taro Tsujimoto from the Japanese League’s non-existent Tokyo Katanas.

Amazingly, no one thought this was strange, in spite of the fact that there had never been a Japanese player either drafted or signed to a professional hockey contract in North America. It took several weeks until anyone caught on. Tsujimoto is officially now listed as “invalid claim” in history books.

Punch is also remembered for bringing four Stanley Cups to Toronto, including the last one they ever won in 1967, with a team including the now legendary doughnut merchant Tim Horton.

Imlach always had a controversial reputation, especially towards his later years when he feuded with players, traded away those he didn’t like, and assessed fines for breaches to his strict dress code.

Today he is remembered for his success in Toronto, his unique, hard-hitting name, and perhaps as a pioneer for Japanese hockey.

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Mar 16 2012
3 Comments
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Zarley Zalapski

Many intriguingly named players exist in the National Hockey League today, but none of them can hold a candle to the greatest name in hockey, Zarley Zalapski. Zalapski, hockey’s own ZZ Top,  was one of our childhood heroes here at Funny Names Central. This was not just because of his memorable name, but also his fiery zalapshot. Sorry, slapshot.

Zalapski is of course a legendary hockey player, who to our shock only retired from the game about a year ago. Shock because I remember being about 8 years old and controlling him in an early version of EA Sports’ hockey games.

I think I had this hockey card at one point. I definitely know I wanted his name.

 

Zalapski made his name with the Hartford Whalers, Calgary Flames and Montreal Canadiens in the late 1980′s and early 1990′s, and continued his career into his forties by moving to Europe and plying his trade in the Swiss league, and later acquiring Swiss citizenship through marriage.

Consequently, Zalapski can now be found as the very last name in the Swiss phone book.

 

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