“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”– George Burns
The 2021 poll, due to a razor sharp margin and no clear winner, will now go to a runoff between the top three finishers. Voting closes whenever I feel like it and there will be a winner, even if I have to cast the deciding vote.
My, how time flies when you’re having fun with funny names. I can’t believe this is year #9 for this warped feature. Before you know it, I’ll be nearing the end of that George Burns sequence quoted above. You’ll know it; I probably won’t. The only consolation I have now is that some of the big lugs mentioned herein, thanks to all the knocks on the noggin they’ll be getting in the pros, will go tearing down that highway of cognitive deterioration a lot quicker than I will.
Anyway, let’s get down to it. 2021’s draft has a bumper crop of mind-tickling monikers, but there is no clear favorite. Here are the primary candidates [And of course, this feature wouldn’t be complete without my postulation of what these names might be, if they didn’t belong to football players]
Oh, and if you want to refresh your memory before you go into cognitive decline, here are the links to previous eight polls.
- 1st Poll (2013): Barkevious Mingo
- 2nd Annual Poll: Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix
- 3rd Annual Poll: Jaquiski Tartt
- 4th Annual Poll: Halapoulivaati Vitai
- 5th Annual Poll: Jake Butt
- 6th Annual Poll, Equanimeous St. Brown
- 7th Annual Poll, Rock Ya-Sin
- 8th Annual Poll: Prince Tega Wanahgo
Amon-Ra St. Brown, WR, USC– You have to wonder about his parents and their infatuation with names of Egyptian gods. His older brother Equanimeous Tristan Imhotep St. Brown was the winner of the 6th annual poll, and his younger brother, Osiris plays for Stanford and is likely to show up in a future draft. Do funny names run in the family? And speaking of running, they are all three wide receivers–maybe they are running from their names? What I think the name sounds like: the offspring of The Mummy and a British Archeologist.
Kwity Paye, Edge, Michigan–Is brevity soul of wit in funny names? Paye has the shortest name of any nominee since 5th draft winner, Jake Butt. His story is rather amazing, as his family came to the US to escaped a civil war in Liberia. What I think his name sounds like: the hippo ballerina from Fantasia.
Isaiahh Loudermilk, DE, Wisconsin–If you didn’t do a double take when you read this name, then you didn’t notice that first name spelling with the double h. Were his parents alphabetically challenged? His father’s first name is Carteze. Gesundheit! What I think his name sounds like: A second cousin of Ezzzekial Softswill.
Racey McMath, WR, WR, LSU–Sadly, there are no nominees this year in the hyphenated name category. But McMath becomes the first “Mc” name in the history of the poll, and the funniest Mc in sports since the boxing Arroyo brothers, McJoe and McWilliams. And outside of the sports world, who can forget Boaty McBoatface? What I think his name sounds like: an arithmetic-teaching Muppet on Sesame Street.
Divine Deablo, S, Virginia Tech–Wow. Just…like…wow. Maybe you can make up a name like this. I sure can’t. This call up memories of seeing God Shammgod playing basketball for Providence College back in 90’s. I never forgot that name; I never will. What I think his name sounds like: A character in an online fantasy role-playing game.
Josh Imatorbhebhe, WR, Illinois.–Ok, so this year’s poll is top heavy with wide receivers. In the case of Josh Imat…Imator–sorry my keyboard ran out of letters–It’s bottom heavy. Remember the line from Amadeus–“too many notes?” This name has too many letters. What I think the name sounds like: A skipping phonograph needle.
We went with six nominees this year, as it was tough to eliminate any of the aforementioned. As usual, there’s a gang of honorable mentions eligible for write-ins. They include, but are not limited to, Creed Humphrey, Simi Fehoko, Tutu Atwell, Tommy Tremble, Chuba Hubbard, Kyhiris Tonga, Dillon Stoner, Whop Philyor and frankly, anyone else whose name you can make a reasonable attempt at spelling.
Original Results (closed). Scroll down to vote in runoff.
RUNOFF. Voting closes…um…er…eventually.