9th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in the NFL Draft–RUNOFF

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”– George Burns

The 2021 poll, due to a razor sharp margin and no clear winner, will now go to a runoff between the top three finishers. Voting closes whenever I feel like it and there will be a winner, even if I have to cast the deciding vote.

My, how time flies when you’re having fun with funny names. I can’t believe this is year #9 for this warped feature. Before you know it, I’ll be nearing the end of that George Burns sequence quoted above. You’ll know it; I probably won’t. The only consolation I have now is that some of the big lugs mentioned herein, thanks to all the knocks on the noggin they’ll be getting in the pros, will go tearing down that highway of cognitive deterioration a lot quicker than I will.

Anyway, let’s get down to it. 2021’s draft has a bumper crop of mind-tickling monikers, but there is no clear favorite. Here are the primary candidates [And of course, this feature wouldn’t be complete without my postulation of what these names might be, if they didn’t belong to football players]

Oh, and if you want to refresh your memory before you go into cognitive decline, here are the links to previous eight polls.

The true Aman-Ra?

Amon-Ra St. Brown, WR, USC– You have to wonder about his parents and their infatuation with names of Egyptian gods. His older brother Equanimeous Tristan Imhotep St. Brown was the winner of the 6th annual poll, and his younger brother, Osiris plays for Stanford and is likely to show up in a future draft. Do funny names run in the family? And speaking of running, they are all three wide receivers–maybe they are running from their names? What I think the name sounds like: the offspring of The Mummy and a British Archeologist.

Kwity Paye, Edge, Michigan–Is brevity soul of wit in funny names? Paye has the shortest name of any nominee since 5th draft winner, Jake Butt. His story is rather amazing, as his family came to the US to escaped a civil war in Liberia. What I think his name sounds like: the hippo ballerina from Fantasia.

Isaiahh Loudermilk, DE, Wisconsin–If you didn’t do a double take when you read this name, then you didn’t notice that first name spelling with the double h.  Were his parents alphabetically challenged? His father’s first name is Carteze. Gesundheit! What I think his name sounds like:  A second cousin of Ezzzekial Softswill.

The best Mc name ever?

Racey McMath, WR, WR, LSU–Sadly, there are no nominees this year in the hyphenated name category. But McMath becomes the first “Mc” name in the history of the poll, and the funniest Mc in sports since the boxing Arroyo brothers, McJoe and McWilliams. And outside of the sports world, who can forget Boaty McBoatface?  What I think his name sounds like: an arithmetic-teaching Muppet on Sesame Street.

Divine Deablo, S, Virginia Tech–Wow. Just…like…wow. Maybe you can make up a name like this. I sure can’t. This call up memories of seeing God Shammgod playing basketball for Providence College back in 90’s. I never forgot that name; I never will. What I think his name sounds like: A character in an online fantasy role-playing game.

Josh Imatorbhebhe, WR, Illinois.–Ok, so this year’s poll is top heavy with wide receivers. In the case of Josh Imat…Imator–sorry my keyboard ran out of letters–It’s bottom heavy. Remember the line from Amadeus–“too many notes?” This name has too many letters. What I think the name sounds like: A skipping phonograph needle.

We went with six nominees this year, as it was tough to eliminate any of the aforementioned. As usual, there’s a gang of honorable mentions eligible for write-ins.  They include, but are not limited to, Creed Humphrey, Simi Fehoko, Tutu Atwell, Tommy Tremble, Chuba Hubbard, Kyhiris Tonga, Dillon Stoner, Whop Philyor and frankly, anyone else whose name you can make a reasonable attempt at spelling.

Original Results (closed). Scroll down to vote in runoff.

RUNOFF. Voting closes…um…er…eventually.

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Kerb Yore Enthusiasm: The Best of Kerbey

It goes without saying around here that Kerbey is one of a kind. You might find her offering up a post full of cryptic, Zen koan-like epigrams. She could be shooting off some wild, out-of-left-field observations in the comments. Or, she might be laying down some Cheshire Cat style psychedelic free association in the comments about comments. Whatever it is, Kerbey’s awesome riffs will leave you asking, “Wh- What just happened?”

Almost from the beginning, I thought it would be great if Kerb ever turned her paragraphs into free verse . . . We won’t take that liberty here, but we will honor Kerb’s dizzying verbal dexterity with some choice excerpts. Since Kerb’s quips turn the world upside down, we recommend reading these with Larry David’s theme running in the background. Just push play and . . . Gooooo Kerb!

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Entry #1: from “Klippity Klopp-Klopp” (June 19, 2019)

“Or what about your inner pig-dog, the voice in your head that tells you to sit on the couch and watch ‘American Ninja Warrior’ instead of actually doing push-ups? Your pig-dog tells you to hit the snooze button, to order another pint at the pub. Your inner pig-dog is your weaker self, but mercy, it’s cute as a button.”

You have to read it in context.

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Entry #2: Comment (May 30, 2017) on “Mopsy Strange Kennedy, Ph.D.” by Fannie

“I actually had a stuffed dog animal as a tween named Mopsy. It did not survive past the 80s. Mopsy sounds like a good hosting name bc it reminds me of the names out of The Preppy Handbook: Muffy, Missy, Buffy, Bitsy, Bootsy, Bunny. Right?”

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Entry #3: Comment (May 19, 2014) on “Iggy Azalea: would Amethyst Amelia Kelly by any other name sound as sweet?” by Dave

“Well, she’s certainly less wizened than Iggy Pop, but I’m getting a Nicki Minaj vibe here. Palm trees on her boobies? Touting her fanciness? Pride comes before the fall, Amethyst. On the plus side, Mullumbimby is fun to say. But doesn’t hailing from such a place set you up to be called a Mullumbimbo? Just a thought. She can flick her hair like nobody’s business. And I still prefer ‘Get Lucky’ to ‘BL’… “

The fashion on this blog has come a long way since the days of Outerbridge Horsey and his awesome dogs.
Benedict’s hair ruffle ain’t got nothin’ on Iggy, or her friend’s hat!

(with Dave’s original captions!)

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Entry #4: Comment (April 1, 2014) on “Captain Lorenzo Dow Baker knew there’s always money in the banana stand” by Liz

“You made me read the word ‘Orinoco,’ like ‘Orinoco Flow,’ and I hate Enya, so now I am mad. Yesterday I bought bananas, explaining to my son that it was Monday and on Mondays, the store only offers blackened dead bananas or lime green unripened, so it’s lose-lose. Also, as I was purchasing a bottle of sangria, there was a bottle of banana bread beer right next to it. !! So your post is timely. I did not purchase it.”

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OK, what was your favorite entry? Answer below! Better yet, find another Kerbey gem in BoFN’s archives!

Posted in Funny names in blogging | Tagged | 8 Comments

9th Annual Poll, Funniest Names in the NFL Draft.

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”– George Burns

My, how time flies when your having fun with funny names. I can’t believe this is year #9 for this warped feature. Before you know it, I’ll be nearing the end of that George Burns sequence quoted above. You’ll know it; I probably won’t. The only consolation I have now is that some of the big lugs mentioned herein, thanks to all the knocks on the noggin they’ll be getting in the pros, will go tearing down that highway of cognitive deterioration a lot quicker than I will.

Anyway, let’s get down to it. 2021’s draft has a bumper crop of mind-tickling monikers, but there is no clear favorite. Here are the primary candidates [And of course, this feature wouldn’t be complete without my postulation of what these names might be, if they didn’t belong to football players]

Oh, and if you want to refresh your memory before you go into cognitive decline, here are the links to previous eight polls.

The true Aman-Ra?

Amon-Ra St. Brown, WR, USC– You have to wonder about his parents and their infatuation with names of Egyptian gods. His older brother Equanimeous Tristan Imhotep St. Brown was the winner of the 6th annual poll, and his younger brother, Osiris plays for Stanford and is likely to show up in a future draft. Do funny names run in the family? And speaking of running, they are all three wide receivers–maybe they are running from their names? What I think the name sounds like: the offspring of The Mummy and a British Archeologist.

Kwity Paye, Edge, Michigan–Is brevity soul of wit in funny names? Paye has the shortest name of any nominee since 5th draft winner, Jake Butt. His story is rather amazing, as his family came to the US to escaped a civil war in Liberia. What I think his name sounds like: the hippo ballerina from Fantasia.

Isaiahh Loudermilk, DE, Wisconsin–If you didn’t do a double take when you read this name, then you didn’t notice that first name spelling with the double h.  Were his parents alphabetically challenged? His father’s first name is Carteze. Gesundheit! What I think his name sounds like:  A second cousin of Ezzzekial Softswill.

The best Mc name ever?

Racey McMath, WR, WR, LSU–Sadly, there are no nominees this year in the hyphenated name category. But McMath becomes the first “Mc” name in the history of the poll, and the funniest Mc in sports since the boxing Arroyo brothers, McJoe and McWilliams. And outside of the sports world, who can forget Boaty McBoatface?  What I think his name sounds like: an arithmetic-teaching Muppet on Sesame Street.

Divine Deablo, S, Virginia Tech–Wow. Just…like…wow. Maybe you can make up a name like this. I sure can’t. This call up memories of seeing God Shammgod playing basketball for Providence College back in 90’s. I never forgot that name; I never will. What I think his name sounds like: A character in an online fantasy role-playing game.

Josh Imatorbhebhe, WR, Illinois.–Ok, so this year’s poll is top heavy with wide receivers. In the case of Josh Imat…Imator–sorry my keyboard ran out of letters–it’s bottom heavy. Remember the line from Amadeus–“too many notes?” This name has too many letters. What I think the name sounds like: A skipping phonograph needle.

We went with six nominees this year, as it was tough to eliminate any of the aforementioned. As usual, there’s a gang of honorable mentions eligible for write-ins.  They include, but are not limited to, Creed Humphrey, Simi Fehoko, Tutu Atwell, Tommy Tremble, Chuba Hubbard, Kyhiris Tonga, Whop Philyor and frankly, anyone else whose name you can make a reasonable attempt at spelling .   Voting closes at noon, EDT, May 3.

Posted in funny names in sports, funny NFL draft names, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Cornelius Galore – The Best of Dutch Names from Duck to Kok

We’ve written about some Dutch names on these pages before – see now-ancient posts about Cornelius Drebbel or Guus Hiddink or (take a breath) Kees A. Schouhamer Immink. But having now lived for almost three years here in the land of windmills, tasty cheese and towns named after said cheese, I have built a whole new kind of appreciation for Dutch names.

Everywhere you look, it seems the Netherlands has blessed the world with beautiful names. Almost everywhere there seem to be towns like Wommels or Sneek or Vlaardingen which make spotting signage on road trips a true adventure. (Those trips are pretty short though as you can drive across country in about 4 hours).

So, in honor of this fine land and its finely named people, I present this list of (some) of the best names the Netherlands has brought into the world. Only some, because honestly this list could be endless, so some editing had to be done. Here are some of the finest names of Dutch people through time.

First, some art. Jacob Duck was a painter in the 1600s from the town of Utrecht. It is unclear if he painted any bird pictures, but it would be a shame if he never got around to it.

Young Duck in a rare photo.

Next, Jacob Quaeckernaeck. Our second Jacob seems to flow logically from the first, sounding partially like a duck utterance, and partially like what you may say when stubbing your toe on Dutch furniture. Mr. Quaeckernaeck was a seaman and navigator, and of course the possessor of a magnificent name.

The Cornelius rule has already been immortalized in our Funny Names Theory section, stating “If your name is Cornelis, Kornelis, or Cornelius, then you are awesome.” There is no arguing that fact, certainly when it comes to legendary jurist Cornelius van Bynkershoek. I have run into some great lawyer names in my studies, from the legendary Learned Hand to England’s Lord Diplock. But a Bynkershoek is hard to beat.

Moving on to the ” pardon me, what was that?” department, we have Willem Godschalck van Focquenbroch. This delightful monstrosity is courtesy of a 17th century playwright. Be careful with the pronunciation of that last name, you wouldn’t want to slip into R-rated territory by mistake.

Staying in poetry, we also have the poet F. van Dixhoorn, which probably requires no further comment.

Which brings us logically to the world of Politics, and two consecutive Prime Ministers blessed with diplomatically promising names.

Wim Kok was PM of the Netherlands from 1994 to 2002. And he was immediately preceded by Ruud Lubbers. Can’t argue with those selections for country leadership, based on funny nameology at least.

This is an interestingly titled children’s book found at a local shop, by the great Willy Vandersteen.

Moving on to the world of science, where one of the inventors of the telescope, a Mr. Hans Lipperhey reports for duty. He is delightfully identified on wikipedia as a “spectacle maker”, which it can probably be said to apply to him in more ways than one.

Back to literature, where we find Beb Vuyk. She is one of the most celebrated names in Dutch literature, and not just because that name is fun to say (but probably hard to pronounce correctly).

Finally, but certainly not least amusingly, two names that can only come from the Dutch or children’s literature. Wubbo Ockels was an astronaut who became the first Dutchman in space. In a land famed for its flying citizens, Wubbo certainly flew higher than any before. And finally, we meet renaissance man Govert Bidloo, not to be confused with your favorite Star Wars characters.

We hope you enjoyed this journey through perhaps Europe’s most fruitful land for great and delightful names. Vote for you favorite below and leave a comment if I forgot one!

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Deep Purple Names

I’m betting you’ve never heard the names Antonino and Carol Vincinette LoTempio. I’m also betting, if you are of a certain age, that you’ve heard of them under two very different names. And, of course, you’ve heard them sing.

They are publicly known as Nino Tempo and April Stevens, a brother and sister singing act from Niagara Falls, NY, now 85 and 91 years old, respectively; they have a firm place in this history of 1960’s pop/rock music.

Most notably, if you were alive and old enough to remember the notorious date of November 22, 1963, the song that may have been interrupeted on your radio with the somber news that JFK had been shot, was Nino and April’s rendition of Deep Purple. I centainly remember that day–I was in 8th grade, and I certainly remember the song.

It was number 1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 that infamous week in 1963. We’d hardly call it rock today, but it went on to win a Grammy for “Best Rock and Roll Recording of the Year.” And we certainly wouldn’t call April’s spoken lyrics, under Tempo’s singing, “rap.” Apparently, that effect was an accident. In an early warmup session in the recording studio, Tempo forgot the lyrics and Stevens jokingly whispered them to him. The producer liked the effect and insisted on including it in the final release version, much to the consternation of Tempo who didn’t like somebody speaking over his singing.

Need some more trivia? I don’t know how Stevens felt–and maybe still feels today–about her brother briefly dating a budding singer named Cherilyn Sarkisian. But Cherilyn would later meet and marry one Salvatore Bono. So maybe, just maybe, Nino and April were the inspiration for Sony and Cher.

While the duo would go on to have a few modest hits, nothing ever came close to the success of Deep Purple. It’s timing, on top of Kennedy’s demise, may have signaled the end of an era for America’s pop charts. Less than three months later, Beatlemania struck the USA.

Posted in funny names in music, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments