Here at the Funny Names Blog, we spend a fair amount of time evaluating the relative radness of various names. Sometimes, it’s hard to choose between two awesome names, so it’s always a treat when we can point to some objective reason that one name is more awesome than another.
Some examples of this:
- In U.S. politics, we’ll probably learn this November whether Barack Hussein Obama is a better name than Willard Mitt Romney (which itself has proven to be better than Newt Gingrich)
- In boxing, it has been established that Kermit “The Killer” Cintron is superior to Lovemore N’dou, and Livingstone Bramble defeats Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini (and everyone else) to reign as champion of the world in the super funnyweight division
- In an upcoming post on Bone Wars!, you’ll see that Othniel Charles Marsh slightly exceeds Edward Drinker Cope in paleontological prowess
The NCAA Women’s basketball tournament final last week gave us another chance to use this non-scientific (though highly majestic) method for determining the relative might of two monikers, when Kimberly Duane Mulkey‘s Baylor Bears defeated won 80-61 over the Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish team coached by Muffet McGraw.
Both coaches have impressive credentials – McGraw has four Final Four appearances and a national championship during a 25-year coaching career, while Mulkey is a member of the women’s basketball hall of fame who won two championships and an Olympic gold medal as a player and has now compiled 300 wins and two national titles as a coach.
Based purely on nomenclature, I would have a hard time not favoring a person named Muffet, and this line of argument was strengthened by the fact that she coaches a funny-named team called the Fightin’ Irish, whose most famous coach – the late Knute Rockne – will someday grace the pages of this blog as well.
However, deeper digging (note to self: use this as a pun in my Bone Wars article) uncovers the shocking truth: although known professionally as Muffet, Ms. McGraw’s actual first name is Ann, and Muffet is just a nickname!
This evidence helps advance our understanding of Funny Name Theory:
Funny Name Theory: The Muffet McGraw Rule – When a person with a funny legal name squares off against a person with a funny assumed name, the legally-named individual shall take precedence.
This explains why Livingstone Bramble stopped winning after changing his name to Ras-I Alujah Bramble, and why Vermin Supreme has struggled to establish a political foothold anywhere other than his boot-covered head.
Then again, Kimberly Duane Mulkey’s success could be due to the fact that she is the coach of basketball phenom Brittney Griner – the greatest dunker the women’s game has ever seen. In any case, congratulations to Mulkey, Griner, and the Baylor Bears on their national title and the first 40-win season in college basketball history!