Here at the Funny Names Blog, we don’t consider ourselves humor writers – we are historians and explorers seeking to enrich the world and contribute to the understanding and advancement of the exciting new field of funnynameology. We are pioneers.
As part of our efforts in this emerging academic discipline, we occasionally reach new epiphanies that signify a quantum leap forward in nominal knowledge. Like all responsible scientists, we recognize that we must publish our work and share it with the world. Since science presently contains a massive void in journals addressing funnynameology, we will unveiling the Funny Names Theory page on our blog next week, which will serve as the official repository of all significant breakthroughs in Funny Names Theory.
In celebration of this, we opened up a poll last week asking our exceptional readers to vote on which theories you’d like to see previewed over the weekend.
Here were the results:
- The “Kermit Can Kill” Conjecture: 19.51%
- The Outerbridge Horsey Certainty Principle: 17.07%
- The Izzy Skenazy Postulate: 14.63%
- The Bone Wars Settlement (and the Muffet McGraw Corollary): 14.63%
- The Baldwin Churchill Rule: 12.20%
- The Armstrong-McLish Allowance (and the Bramble Exception): 12.20%
- The S.E.O. Confusion Conclusion: 9.76%
Last night, when we last checked the results, there was a three-way tie for second place, so I decided to wait for the voting to resolve itself. I checked again this afternoon and we now have two clear winners!
Here are the two Funny Names Theories previews as chosen by our enlightened readership!
The Kermit Can Kill Conjecture
People born with unusual names (especially boys named Kermit) often become some of the most hardcore tough guys (and gals) on the planet. It is theorized that this could be due to a natural response to early schoolyard heckling at the hands of unenlightened youths who have not yet learned the awesome power that the funny name holds.
Item ∞ – The Outerbridge Horsey Certainty Principle
Part 1: In the beginning, there was Outerbridge Horsey.
Part 2: Outerbridge Horsey is the standard by which all funny names are measured.
Every system of measurement requires a standard by which all other measurements can be referenced. For most of its history, the metric system used a one-meter long bar of platinum at the freezing temperature of water as its standard. For the Funny Names Blog, Outerbridge Horsey is our de facto bar of platinum-iridium alloy.
There are several reasons for this:
- Over five years ago, it was the name that inspired the creation of the Funny Names List that eventually led to this blog.
- The original Outerbridge Horsey was born in Maryland in 1715, sixty years before the original 13 U.S. colonies had declared independence from the British. Outerbridge Horsey VII is alive today. While most names have to be examined in the context of their particular time period, Outerbridge Horsey provides a benchmark for nearly 300 years of funny name history. No other name we have encountered has that kind of staying power, with the slightly less-accomplished – and slightly less-amusing – lineage of Return J. Meigs (which started 35 years later) its closest known competitor.
- The name has always been unusual. While names like Archibald, Gladys, or Skylar can be considered normal by some people and strange by others, there was never a period where Outerbridge didn’t raise eyebrows.
- For any person to have the funniest name in the world since 1715, it would have to pass the Outerbridge Horsey test. While it is all subjective, and there are definitely some names that can make a strong and valid claim to that title, we have yet to find a name that has had an obvious edge over Outerbridge Horsey.
So there you have it – the first two theories ever to be published in the emerging scientific discipline of funnynameology, and if you comment on this post, you can tell your (hopefully funny-named) grandchildren that you were there when history was made.