Soccer Punch! The Funniest Names in English Football Awards

As the soccer (or football, depending on where you are) season draws to a close, it’s time to hand out some awards. Of course, this is the Funny Names Blog, so we don’t give accolades for meaningless things like performance, success or winning stuff. We focus on the important things, like how well a name rhymes with itself, could a last name mean something mildly amusing if you really thought about it, and does the word “cock” appear anywhere in a name.

Christopher Samba performing one of his famous dance routines. He’s since taken his art to the promised land of ballet, Russia.

I know you’re dying to find out who the best performers were in the English leagues in 2011-2012, so with no further introduction, here are the results :

Most Musical Sounding Name
Pape Boupa Diop, West Ham United
Runner-up : Christopher Samba, Blackburn Rovers

Most Biblical
Reuben Noble-Lazarus, Barnsley

Best Advertisement for One’s “Goods”
Will Packwood, Birmingham City
Runner-up : David Goodwillie, Blackburn Rovers

Best African Name
Kazenga LuaLua, Brighton and Lomana LuaLua, Blackpool
Runners-up : Kagisho Dikgacoi, Crystal Palace, Papiss Demba Cisse, Newcastle

Most Impressive Combination of Western and African Names
Bartholomew Ogbeche, Middlesbrough

Our research indicates these fine creatures are not related to Mark Beevers.

Best Animal Themed Name
Jonathan Hogg, Watford

Best Rhyming Scheme
Angel Rangel, Swansea City

Best Superhero Name
Nile Ranger, Newcastle

Most Giggle-Inducing
Harry Bunn, Manchester City
Runner-up :  Mark Beevers, Sheffield Wednesday

Most Distinguished Sounding
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Arsenal

Best Prince Reference
Filip Kiss, Cardiff City

Danny Drinkwater, pictured not drinking water.

Easiest Pun
Danny Shittu, QPR

Solution to Thirst Award
Danny Drinkwater, Leicester

Most Mystifying
Exodus Geohaghon, Mansfield

Just Eccentric
Ronald Zubar, Wolves ; Jeffrey Schlupp, Leicester ; Dexter Blackstock, Nottingham ; Steven Swinglehurst, Carlisle

Best Nordic Name
Gylfi Sigurðsson, Swansea

Best Former Exotic Dancer
Aiden Chippendale, Huddersfield


And that, as they say, is that. Share your favorites in the comments!

I hope you enjoyed this end of season ceremony, and if I’ve left someone highly deserving off the list…there’s always next year!

About Arto

Co-founder of the Funny Names Blog, Hawaiian shirt enthusiast, and holder of a funny name himself with too many vowels for any sensible person. Currently residing in San Diego, California, scouring through obscure documents on a hunt for more funny names.
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14 Responses to Soccer Punch! The Funniest Names in English Football Awards

  1. beatrix mana says:

    Those were excellent. I have two grandchildren named Noah Peter and Onya Leigh(pronounced Lay) Have a wonderful day.

  2. Dave says:

    Haha, I love the “Best Prince Reference” category. I think we should try to use that phrase as much as possible on this blog.

  3. metan says:

    Angel Rangel, I love that one! The wonderfully rhyming names of some of the players in Australian rugby should give you a very happy feeling, my favourite is Fuifui Moimoi. I have added a highlights clip of this frighteningly unstoppable man just to show you how unlikely it is that anybody ever laughed at his name and survived. 🙂

    • Arto says:

      I’m going to not laugh at that name out of pure fear of being mauled by Mr. Moimoi (theehee). Soccer players are probably a safer target.

  4. TOO funny! (Although when it comes to names, that’s not exactly possible.)

    • Dave says:

      I know! What’s the best name you’ve heard lately? I’m wondering if anything will ever overcome Outerbridge Horsey VII on my list. That name is really special.

  5. Pingback: Danger Fourpence and the Eleven Weirdest Names in Soccer « The Blog of Funny Names

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