We know you’re all sick of election coverage by now, considering the networks started speculating and reporting on this particular cycle back in 1989. Or so it feels sometimes.
But no one has asked the truly important questions in the mainstream media. Questions like, “Which candidates in the 2012 elections have the funniest names?”. Well, worry no longer, for the Funny Names Blog is here for the rescue!
Right here, the best names in the 2012 Congressional and Senate elections. Honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg, local elections in my area alone could fill a few dozens pages of this blog. Regardless, here is the pick of the lot from next week’s ballot.
We begin in Arizona, where Helmuth Hack is running on a libertarian platform, presumably including lots of puns about his plans to “hack” the federal budget to pieces. He’s probably doing better than the “her name is so long it caused the nation’s largest roadside sign budget to bankrupt her campaign” party’s Leah Campos Schandlbauer who didn’t make it past her local primary. They’re both winners here at the Funny Names Blog.
We’re really hoping Arizona Senate candidate Jeff Flake will show up at the office if elected, though you never really know.
In California, funny name seeking voters can check off the name Gail Lightfoot on the ballot. Lightfoot may also be a superhero, but that is unconfirmed.
In Wisconsin, a young man representing what he identified as the “I.D.E.A” party named Nimrod Allen III is trying to score a seat in the Senate. As funny as his name is, his efforts of turning unused urban real estate into lots that provide healthy food to urban communities is nothing short of highly admirable. I wish him the best of luck next week.
In Oregon, we find Progressive Party candidate Woodrow Broadnax, while New Jersey General Assembly member Upendra Chivukula will be trying to upend his adversaries on his way to a House seat and lots of bad puns just like the one I just made.
In the “always misspelled” category of House of Representatives hopefuls we find Kansas candidate Tobias Schlingensiepen. Coincidentally, his last name is German for “Representative of the great state of Kansas”. It’s also Portuguese was “lollipop”, so go figure.
In another popular category, the “bad joke that has to be made and then we can all move on”, Virginia Representative Bob Goodlatte is trying to drop his nightly job of making decent beverages at Starbucks by gaining reelection. I wish him luck, and now also want a coffee for some reason.
Also in Virginia, we find Democratic candidate and author Andy Schmookler. That’s just a good name.
In the long, great category of “Unfortunately defeated in an earlier primary and therefore not on the ballot next week“, we find these candidates :
Rollin Wilson Stooksberry, Tennessee
Parnell Diggs, South Carolina
Rusty Bliss, Ohio
Bader Qarmout, New Jersey
Xiomara Rodriguez, Nevada
Gregory C. Dildilian, Michigan
Cynthia Clinkingbeard, Idaho (Her campaign unfortunately collapsed after she apparently pulled a handgun and made threatening remarks to employees at Staples. That kind of thing is usually bad for your campaign.)
One of my personal favorites is Q. Byrum Hurst, who unsuccessfully ran for the House in Arkansas. In spite of his friendly smile and beautifully initialed name, we won’t be finding him on the ballot next week as he too, tragically lost his primary. The same fate befell the decidedly less distinguished sounding Orly Taitz in California.
Last, but not least, or perhaps least, we have Goodspaceguy, who ran for the House in Washington. Maybe next time, Goodspaceguy, maybe next time.
And that wraps up our election round-up for the week. Tune back in next week for more of the kind of election writing that makes you smile rather than recoil in horror (bad puns and latte jokes excepted).