Hello folks and welcome to a Funny Names in the News roundup so chock full of funny names it’ll make every forthcoming post on this blog seem disappointing. But hey, I’m here to disappoint, and always have been, so logically no one should be disappointed by that. Hooray!
We start with our celebrated coverage of March Madness, which I’m dubbing March Madness Madness!! Yes, that’s right, with two (2) exclamation points. Courtesy of our intrepid March Madness Madness!! correspondent Mad Dave, here are the best of the best funny names from the 2013 NCAA March Madness Tournament.
- There’s a team in existence called St. Louis Billikens, which should fill their funny name quota already, but oddly, it doesn’t! They have room for a player dubbed Kwamain Mitchell. Extraordinary! (Mad Dave’s edit: What is a Billiken you ask? Why, it’s one of these!… I’m not sure if that helps answer your question…)
- The country’s third leading scorer this year goes by the name of Lamont “Momo” Jones, instantly answering the question “what to name my child if my last name is as dull as Jones?”. Lamont “Momo”, that’s what.
- Of Iowa State’s top six scorers, four are transfer students. That’s a stat that will impress some, but we’re more interested in their names, which include Tyrus McGee, Korie Lucious, Chris Babb, and Will Clyburn. They can’t lose with those guys!
- And finally in the “How Do You Spell That Again?” category we have Saint Mary’s star Matthew Dellavedova, whose 22 points helped his team beat the glamorous sounding Middle Tennessee to make it to the final 64.
Moving beyond basketball, where our…ahem, Amsterdam Correspondent Amb brings us this priceless news item from Canada’s Finest, the CBC, which I had to check several times to make sure it was not actually from the Onion. It concerns Amsterdam’s two longest working prostitutes, twin sisters Louise and Martine Fokkens (yes, Fokkens). I truly recommend reading the article, for it is full of unintentional, semi-intentional, and definitely intentional puns from a clearly amused, but gotta-be-serious CBC staff writer. I give you this paragraph about their experiences in the Red Light District as a teaser.
“We like to work in the red light district,” said Louise in broken English. “You had fun, we know a lot of people … the American boys, the Canadian boys, the German … every country come there.”
Can’t beat that.
In more unfortunate news, folk singer Michelle Shocked thought her concert at a bar in San Francisco would be the perfect time to announce to her sure-to-be-receptive audience that gays are like, totally not cool, and that Jesus would set them straight (no pun intended…really, I swear). Accordingly, everyone left, the bar turned off the mic and left her sitting in the darkness all alone. So it goes.
Adding insult to injury was funny-named bar The Hopmonk Tavern, who cancelled her upcoming appearance. This article was presented by Mad Dave, Budweiser, J.C Penney, the Ghost of Christmas Past, and the Howard Hawks film His Girl Friday*.
Finally, some magnificently “engaging” news from the world of Show Business from our There’s No Business Like Show Business Correspondent Amb. Actor, Starship Enterprise captain, and all-around sweetheart Patrick Stewart is marrying a lucky lady by the name of Sunny Ozell. We can see why he’d marry a person of such a fine name. But that’s not all! The wedding will be officiated by the great Ian McKellen, who I should mention grew up in the town of Wigan in England, and deserves an honorary Funny Names Blog Mention for having played characters with names like Gandalf, Iorek Byrnison, Kurt Dussander, Amos Starkadder, and of course “Porn Photographer” in 1978’s Corvette Summer. That’ll be some wedding.
*We stress these companies did not actually present this news item, but we stress this for legal reasons only. We fully embrace gratuitous, transparent and unethical corporate sponsorship opportunities. Please contact Dave between the hours of 2 am and 5 am Pacific Time for details. Thank you.
P.S. Eat Cheetos.
P.P.S. You owe us some cash, Cheetos.
P.P.P.S. I want Cheetos now.
P.P.P…..What? What? Enough? What do you mean, enough? Where are you taking me? What’s that? Nooo, noooooooooo! See you all next weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!