March Madness, Lemur Madness, Dam Madness and Funny Names in the News 31!

Hello folks and welcome to a Funny Names in the News roundup so chock full of funny names it’ll make every forthcoming post on this blog seem disappointing. But hey, I’m here to disappoint, and always have been, so logically no one should be disappointed by that. Hooray!

A basketball, in a white place, earlier.

A basketball, in a white place, earlier.

We start with our celebrated coverage of March Madness, which I’m dubbing March Madness Madness!! Yes, that’s right, with two (2) exclamation points. Courtesy of our intrepid March Madness Madness!! correspondent Mad Dave, here are the best of the best funny names from the 2013 NCAA March Madness Tournament.

  • There’s a team in existence called St. Louis Billikens, which should fill their funny name quota already, but oddly, it doesn’t! They have room for a player dubbed Kwamain Mitchell. Extraordinary! (Mad Dave’s edit: What is a Billiken you ask? Why, it’s one of these!… I’m not sure if that helps answer your question…)
  • The country’s third leading scorer this year goes by the name of Lamont “Momo” Jones, instantly answering the question “what to name my child if my last name is as dull as Jones?”. Lamont “Momo”, that’s what.
  • Of Iowa State’s top six scorers, four are transfer students. That’s a stat that will impress some, but we’re more interested in their names, which include Tyrus McGee, Korie Lucious, Chris Babb, and Will Clyburn. They can’t lose with those guys!
  • And finally in the “How Do You Spell That Again?” category we have Saint Mary’s star Matthew Dellavedova, whose 22 points helped his team beat the glamorous sounding Middle Tennessee to make it to the final 64.
Patrick Stewart and his magnificent hair. Amb has requested I mention that his proposal surely included him bellowing "ENGAGE" at his bride-to-be, and that sounds right to me so I will repeat it as fact. Quote me as you please, fine journalists!

Patrick Stewart and his magnificent hair. Amb has requested I mention that his proposal surely included him bellowing “ENGAGE” at his bride-to-be, and that sounds right to me so I will repeat it as fact.

Moving beyond basketball, where our…ahem, Amsterdam Correspondent Amb brings us this priceless news item from Canada’s Finest, the CBC, which I had to check several times to make sure it was not actually from the Onion. It concerns Amsterdam’s two longest working prostitutes, twin sisters Louise and Martine Fokkens (yes, Fokkens). I truly recommend reading the article, for it is full of unintentional, semi-intentional, and definitely intentional puns from a clearly amused, but gotta-be-serious CBC staff writer. I give you this paragraph about their experiences in the Red Light District as a teaser.

“We like to work in the red light district,” said Louise in broken English. “You had fun, we know a lot of people … the American boys, the Canadian boys, the German … every country come there.”

Can’t beat that.

In more unfortunate news, folk singer Michelle Shocked thought her concert at a bar in San Francisco would be the perfect time to announce to her sure-to-be-receptive audience that gays are like, totally not cool, and that Jesus would set them straight (no pun intended…really, I swear). Accordingly, everyone left, the bar turned off the mic and left her sitting in the darkness all alone. So it goes.

These are lemurs. They have nothing to do with this post, and aren't in the news, but clearly they should be. Look at them! They're hilarious!

These are lemurs. They have nothing to do with this post, and aren’t in the news, but clearly they should be. Look at them! They’re hilarious!

Adding insult to injury was funny-named bar The Hopmonk Tavern, who cancelled her upcoming appearance. This article was presented by Mad Dave, Budweiser, J.C Penney, the Ghost of Christmas Past, and the Howard Hawks film His Girl Friday*.

Finally, some magnificently “engaging” news from the world of Show Business from our There’s No Business Like Show Business Correspondent Amb. Actor, Starship Enterprise captain, and all-around sweetheart Patrick Stewart is marrying a lucky lady by the name of Sunny Ozell. We can see why he’d marry a person of such a fine name. But that’s not all! The wedding will be officiated by the great Ian McKellen, who I should mention grew up in the town of Wigan in England, and deserves an honorary Funny Names Blog Mention for having played characters with names like GandalfIorek ByrnisonKurt DussanderAmos Starkadder, and of course “Porn Photographer” in 1978’s Corvette Summer. That’ll be some wedding.

*We stress these companies did not actually present this news item, but we stress this for legal reasons only. We fully embrace gratuitous, transparent and unethical corporate sponsorship opportunities. Please contact Dave between the hours of 2 am and 5 am Pacific Time for details. Thank you. 

P.S. Eat Cheetos.

P.P.S. You owe us some cash, Cheetos.

P.P.P.S. I want Cheetos now.

P.P.P…..What? What? Enough? What do you mean, enough? Where are you taking me? What’s that? Nooo, noooooooooo! See you all next weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!


About Arto

Co-founder of the Funny Names Blog, Hawaiian shirt enthusiast, and holder of a funny name himself with too many vowels for any sensible person. Currently residing in San Diego, California, scouring through obscure documents on a hunt for more funny names.
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28 Responses to March Madness, Lemur Madness, Dam Madness and Funny Names in the News 31!

  1. Dave says:

    Grrr…… I’m so mad!

  2. Dave says:

    1. Cheetos does owe us money … A lot o’ money.
    2. My f key is broken, so when I don’t feel like copying and pasting an “f”, I end up sounding like a leprechaun!
    3. Is a Billiken a leprechaun? What the heck is it?!?
    4. It’s 4am and thus far nobody has contacted me about corporate sponsorship (gratuitous, transparent, unethical or otherwise). I’m deciding to punish them by getting a better score on today’s exercise physiology final. Take that, plebes!

  3. Dave says:

    Last thing: I wish I’d known about these names before I made my bracket. I picked Notre Dame’s fighting Irish (perhaps because o’ my keyboard predicament (see above)) to beat Iowa State in the first round. We’ll see today how well the funny names bracket picking strategy works. We already know that the southern states strategy was enough to propel ol’ Willie to victory in 2006, which was the largest March Madness pool I ever organized, containing 24 people.

    Oh, just kidding… not last thing! Amb… I should let you know that both Arto and I have used a strategy called “The George Effect” to some success in previous March Madness pools. Arto coined the George effect, but I later used myself, and also put it into action to describe why Strombo is awesome. (Arto’s a Clooney lover, so he still believes in the George Effect as well).

  4. Dave says:

    You know what, that wasn’t the last thing either…

    March Madness can be anagrammed to say SS Named Charm. Sounds like a ship I’d like to sail!

    Amb, you’ve met caffeinated Dave now. I had a 5-hr energy to study for finals. Its effect is incessant commenting and anagramming. It’s a little talent o’ mine that I let out on very rare occasions. It was also a major reason Mailman and I bonded in the first place.

    – Mad Dave

    • amb says:

      Dear Mad Dave,

      That was everything I hoped it would be, and more.

      Love, amb

      PS: The anagramming is kinda hot. I’m just saying.

      • Dave says:

        I’m glad to hear it. Now… 3 hour nap before I wake up at 9:30 to do the last stages of prep for my final. Love you my dearest!

        (P.S. This is also your first encounter with ambien dave… hey, amb… .ambien, that’s awesome. He doesn’t come around much because Arto and Leslie don’t want me to take ambien, so I only take it when I desperantely need some weird sleeping pattern like the one today . But he’s been known to be a prettty fun guy! Wooooohoooo! Glycolysis! Systolic pressure! Ventricular contractility! Sarcoplasmic Reticuli! Cholinergic signaling at the Neuromuscular junction! Woohoo!

        Alright, I think I was saying I am about to go to sleep. That’s what I should do. G’night lovies!

        • amb says:

          Goodness – just when I thought my morning couldn’t get any better, I get declarations of love and neuro-speak in a single reply! *swoon*

          Sweet dreams, and so much good luck with your final, xo.

  5. amb says:

    Oh, Arto. This post is even more magnificent than Patrick Stewart’s hair.

    • Arto says:

      Oh thank you, that is the highest level of compliment, and also one no one has ever heard before. Literally.

      • amb says:

        Hey, man, that’s how I roll. I don’t save up ALL of my sweet talk for Dave, you know. Especially if you’re going to be throwing Howard Hawks references around!

  6. Liz says:

    I hate to interrupt this bizarre sort-of monologue that turned dialogue when amb stepped in, but Dave–am worried about you. As your TV Land sister, I’m a little concerned what with all the above mentions of “drugs” such as 5 hr and ambien. You’re a bright guy and know that these things aren’t the way to sound mental health.

    Seriously, though, I thought my life was crazy nuts with little kids running underfoot, a moody tween who blames me for everything, a real-world job, and multiple blogging personalities. But now I see that I’m doing ok and maybe you should calm down a bit.

    Would you like that I bake you up a batch of my Classic Granola? The complex carb-protein balance might do you well. (kidding, all (or am I?). What we need to do is get BoFN readers together for drinks that contain bourbon and such.) Good luck on the finals!

    • Dave says:

      Haha, I’m doing fine. 🙂 It’s just this one final and then I get a whole week off to relax and things. Arto poked fun at me by saying “Please contact Dave between the hours of 2 am and 5 am Pacific Time for details. Thank you.” because he knows the way I get during finals. I’m all good. Just gotta ace this exam. Don’t worry, I’ll be relaxing tonight. A lot!

      • Liz says:

        ok, then. won’t worry 😉 just that you seemed so frenetic. (amb, psssst….that’s a good word for one of your Wed posts, y’think?) happy relaxing, Dave–you earned it!

        • amb says:

          It totally is – good call Liz! You can expect it to see it (along with, perhaps, a quote from the other half of Davember) coming to a superfluous blog near you!

        • Dave says:

          Thanks! I think I earned it, because the exam went well. Took a several-hour nap afterward. Things are good right now! And yes, I get frenetic sometimes. Who knows, perhaps it’s a side effect of an active mind and March Madness (which I really think should be celebrated by having a 4-day national holiday so we can all watch the first two rounds … which also always coincide with finals 😦 ). Have a good weekend!

  7. paralaxvu says:

    Hmmmm….Sunny’s initials will now be SOS. Not too good for a captain’s wife. Just sayin’…

  8. Pingback: Wordful Wednesday for March 27, 2013 | words become superfluous

  9. Pingback: Funny Names in the New(s) Year – Peculiar Monday edition | The Blog of Funny Names

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