Funny Names in the News 32: Cheese Puns, Impish Sleeping, and Alison Brie

Hello folks! Believe it or not, today is Friday, and you know what that means! Funny Names in the News!

A picture of the lovely Alison Brie, because her name is cheese-related and Amb got 3 hits this week for "Joel McHale shirtless." I don't want to be outdone, especially when Community is involved.

A picture of the lovely Alison Brie, whose name is cheese-related. Because Amb got 3 hits this week for “Joel McHale shirtless” and I don’t want to be outdone, especially when Community is involved.

We’ll get to your usual news of NCAA March Madness updates and Amb’s sleeping talents shortly, but it would be imprudent to ignore the most pressing news item this week.

Our Fromage Filching Correspondent Arto brings us the horrible news that a man from Illinois stole 21 tons of hot Wisconsin cheese and ended up getting arrested in New Jersey. I don’t know what’s the worst part of that tri-state story… that he thought stealing 21 tons (21 tons!) of hot cheese was a good idea, that he got arrested for it, or that the arrest ended up happening in New Jersey. However, I do know the best part of that story: the Provolone Pilferer was named Veniamin Konstantinovich Balika. We wish him the best, and promise not to make any cheesy jokes or cheese puns at his expense. No whey! Unless they’re gouda jokes, you’re feeling bleu, or think cheese puns would be fondue read. Or if they give me a chance to talk about Community’s Alison Brie, who if she ever went to Utah looking for romance would certainly not leave Provo lone.

Sorry for stringing you along. This was only a test, and will not be grated.

On to our next exciting update, from our eminent (not to mention witty and charming) Showbiz and Slumber Correspondent Amb, who brings us news that Tilda Swinton is sleeping for an audience at MoMA. Now normally when I hear about celebrities sleeping for an audience, it usually is the sign that they’re trying to resurrect a slumping career, but not for Ms. Swinton. The Oscar-winning actress has a “fabulously complex, sexual, asexual, mysterious, powerful, impish” aura, and has inspired a Tilda Swinton weirdness quiz. Amb believes that the artistic merits of her own sleeping talents are vastly underrated and perhaps she should get gallery representation too. I’m not one to judge, so we’ll leave it up to you.

On to sports, where the absurdly-named Florida Gulf Coast University became the first 15-seed in NCAA March Madness history to reach the Sweet Sixteen, no doubt bolstered by Filip Cvjeticanin‘s presence on their roster. They beat second-ranked Georgetown, then my hometown San Diego State Aztecs, and face off against upstate rivals Florida today. My bracket is already busted, so I’m fine with you cheering them on!

In Washington sports news, our Sitcom Name Synergy correspondent (and burgeoning author) Fannie Cranium brings us news that George Monica has become the second active high school baseball coach in Washington State to reach 500 wins. A capstone achievement for a Seinfeld and Friends-inspired name guy, whose 34 year history with the Bishop Blanchett High School squad came after he graduated from there himself. And to think, all I contributed to my alma mater was years of shameful memories for all involved 🙂

Just make sure not to chuckle when Elvis Dumervil tells you his name.

Just make sure not to chuckle when Elvis Dumervil tells you his name.

In “I hope they never name a town after that guy” news, the Baltimore Ravens have agreed to terms with Elvis Dumervil. Dumervil himself has said he’s glad to get the “change of scenery,” and we wish him the best with the defending Super Bowl champions.

In international news that actually matters, Congolese and Rwandan rebel commander Bosco Ntaganda is being tried by an international criminal court for war crimes associated with conscription of children under the age of 15 after turning himself in to authorities last week. The surrender came just one year after his most notable military accomplishment with the March 23 movement. We know far too little about military happenings in central Africa, but we hope that justice is properly served.

In news that may give Liz nightmares, Nadezhda Tolonnikova, Yekaterina Samutsevic, and the masked Russian social revolutionaries known as Pussy Riot were covered recently on an episode of 60 minutes, saying they were advocating for a peaceful overthrow.

Finally, on a less controversial note, Funny Names That Start With S correspondent Amb brings us news that is sure to satisfy the Saskatchewan BoFN reading crowd. (You’re welcome, no one!) Everyone’s favorite favourite Greek-Canadian MuchMusic host-turned-serious journalist and swoon-worthy Amb target George Stroumboulopoulos will be appearing in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan with none other than Oprah Winfrey. Sounds like a star-studded engagement… not to mention a perfect opportunity for me to share with you the most romantic pronunciation of Saskatchewan ever, courtesy of French renaissance-woman Charlotte Gainsbourg. (Scroll to the 1:20 mark to hear the word Saskatchewan sound like pure Tupelo honey).

Happy friday everyone! Go forth and be merry!

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About Dave

Based out of San Diego, California. Co-founder of the Blog of Funny Names. funnynamesblog.wordpress.com
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23 Responses to Funny Names in the News 32: Cheese Puns, Impish Sleeping, and Alison Brie

  1. I honestly could not get past the cheese story, which left me laughing yet stunned…lol

  2. Lucky Wreck says:

    I am still laughing at the no cheesy puns, no whey! Hhahaha! 😀

    • Dave says:

      Thank you! I put at least 3 minutes of work into them, so I’m glad they’re getting the appreciation they deserve 🙂

  3. marksackler says:

    You ain’t seen nothing yet as far as football names are concerned. Just wait until the NFL draft.

  4. Liz says:

    So much to process on a Friday morning! Well done as always 🙂

    • Liz says:

      I had to return to say “good job” on the cheese puns. You truly do have a gifted and brilliant mind. If I were the “swooning over other blogger” type (which sadly I am not), so many food puns bang bang bang in a row would make me swoon. Funny, as I saw mention of that cheese heist, but my mind never went to the puns. You are a rock star.

      • Dave says:

        Haha, thank you! I’ll take that as the equivalent of a Liz swoon. I hope the Pussy Riot reference didn’t remind you of too many bad memories 🙂

        It’s probably good that you’re not a “swooning over other blogger” type. I’d hate for anything to come between Amb’s and your legendary friendship. 🙂

        • Liz says:

          oh, amb and I are a force, that’s for sure 😉 I managed to avoid any PRiot nightmares thank goodness. I am simply in awe of the food being bantered about today–did I see some poutine down there in Arto’s comment? (Relatively) obscure food puns–the greatness of it all is almost overwhelming.

  5. amb says:

    Dave!! Those cheese puns were all so delicious that I camembert it to pick a favourite!!

    You’ve outdone yourself today. I’m swooning over the fact that you’re helping me bring “corybantic” to the masses – not to mention launching my career in the art world!

    Also, thanks to my Flin Flon connections, I can report that you currently have an audience of at least 3 BoFN readers in Saskatchewan … which will likely peak at 4 once we hit the sweet spot when hockey season is over and trout fishing season hasn’t started yet. You’re welcome. xo.

    • Arto says:

      Haha, Saskatchewan in a nut shell, I like it!

    • Dave says:

      Haha, I’m flattered (by your swooning, as well as the fact that we have three Saskatchewan readers), and feeling totally outdone by the fact that you just worked a camembert pun in there. Maybe feeling totally outdone is the thing that unifies us despite our differing opinions on coffee.

      • amb says:

        As I was saying to Liz over on words, I can pun when I’m properly inspired, and since I love both dairy products and you, good things were bound to happen! Agreed abut feeling outdone – my writing has only gotten better since you’ve come into my blogsphere, you know. A girl’s got to try and keep up, xo.

  6. Feel the cheese. Thanks for a great laugh. This is why I look forward to FNITN Fridays!

  7. Arto says:

    Yeah, whey to go on those cheesy puns. They could probably hear me laughing all the way in Curdistan. They even interrupted my morning poutine.

  8. Vanessa C says:

    21 tons of hot cheese stolen!!!!! That’s a recipe for disaster!!! Or a very large quiche. Either way, that man had it coming to him. No one, I mean no one – should attempt to make a quiche that large – my goodness!

  9. Pingback: Call The Magistrates and Constables! It’s funny Names in the News, Volume 34 | The Blog of Funny Names

  10. Pingback: Perri 6, and Getting By With A Little Help From Your Friends | The Blog of Funny Names

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