Hello folks! Believe it or not, today is Friday, and you know what that means! Funny Names in the News!
We’ll get to your usual news of NCAA March Madness updates and Amb’s sleeping talents shortly, but it would be imprudent to ignore the most pressing news item this week.
Our Fromage Filching Correspondent Arto brings us the horrible news that a man from Illinois stole 21 tons of hot Wisconsin cheese and ended up getting arrested in New Jersey. I don’t know what’s the worst part of that tri-state story… that he thought stealing 21 tons (21 tons!) of hot cheese was a good idea, that he got arrested for it, or that the arrest ended up happening in New Jersey. However, I do know the best part of that story: the Provolone Pilferer was named Veniamin Konstantinovich Balika. We wish him the best, and promise not to make any cheesy jokes or cheese puns at his expense. No whey! Unless they’re gouda jokes, you’re feeling bleu, or think cheese puns would be fondue read. Or if they give me a chance to talk about Community’s Alison Brie, who if she ever went to Utah looking for romance would certainly not leave Provo lone.
Sorry for stringing you along. This was only a test, and will not be grated.
On to our next exciting update, from our eminent (not to mention witty and charming) Showbiz and Slumber Correspondent Amb, who brings us news that Tilda Swinton is sleeping for an audience at MoMA. Now normally when I hear about celebrities sleeping for an audience, it usually is the sign that they’re trying to resurrect a slumping career, but not for Ms. Swinton. The Oscar-winning actress has a “fabulously complex, sexual, asexual, mysterious, powerful, impish” aura, and has inspired a Tilda Swinton weirdness quiz. Amb believes that the artistic merits of her own sleeping talents are vastly underrated and perhaps she should get gallery representation too. I’m not one to judge, so we’ll leave it up to you.
On to sports, where the absurdly-named Florida Gulf Coast University became the first 15-seed in NCAA March Madness history to reach the Sweet Sixteen, no doubt bolstered by Filip Cvjeticanin‘s presence on their roster. They beat second-ranked Georgetown, then my hometown San Diego State Aztecs, and face off against upstate rivals Florida today. My bracket is already busted, so I’m fine with you cheering them on!
In Washington sports news, our Sitcom Name Synergy correspondent (and burgeoning author) Fannie Cranium brings us news that George Monica has become the second active high school baseball coach in Washington State to reach 500 wins. A capstone achievement for a Seinfeld and Friends-inspired name guy, whose 34 year history with the Bishop Blanchett High School squad came after he graduated from there himself. And to think, all I contributed to my alma mater was years of shameful memories for all involved 🙂
In “I hope they never name a town after that guy” news, the Baltimore Ravens have agreed to terms with Elvis Dumervil. Dumervil himself has said he’s glad to get the “change of scenery,” and we wish him the best with the defending Super Bowl champions.
In international news that actually matters, Congolese and Rwandan rebel commander Bosco Ntaganda is being tried by an international criminal court for war crimes associated with conscription of children under the age of 15 after turning himself in to authorities last week. The surrender came just one year after his most notable military accomplishment with the March 23 movement. We know far too little about military happenings in central Africa, but we hope that justice is properly served.
In news that may give Liz nightmares, Nadezhda Tolonnikova, Yekaterina Samutsevic, and the masked Russian social revolutionaries known as Pussy Riot were covered recently on an episode of 60 minutes, saying they were advocating for a peaceful overthrow.
Finally, on a less controversial note, Funny Names That Start With S correspondent Amb brings us news that is sure to satisfy the Saskatchewan BoFN reading crowd. (You’re welcome, no one!) Everyone’s
favorite favourite Greek-Canadian MuchMusic host-turned-serious journalist and swoon-worthy Amb target George Stroumboulopoulos will be appearing in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan with none other than Oprah Winfrey. Sounds like a star-studded engagement… not to mention a perfect opportunity for me to share with you the most romantic pronunciation of Saskatchewan ever, courtesy of French renaissance-woman Charlotte Gainsbourg. (Scroll to the 1:20 mark to hear the word Saskatchewan sound like pure Tupelo honey).
Happy friday everyone! Go forth and be merry!