Lord Tunderin’! It’s Funny Names In The News 41 – All The News That’s CANCON-Compliant

Hello, eh! With this week’s FNITN, we’re gonna take a trip north of the border to good ol’ Canada!

But don’t worry if you don’t know how to speak Newfie – we’ll stick with our usual vernacular. But this week’s post is very much CanCon-compliant. “By golly, what’s that?!?” you may be asking… well let me explain. Back in the early ’70’s, in an effort to bolster Canada’s artistic community, they began requiring that Canadian radio stations play 25% Canadian content, and over the years this number has been raised to 30, 35, and in some cases, 40%. That means a lot of Rush and Neil Young on your classic rock stations, and for contemporary listeners, some funny-named fare like Hawksley Workman and The Slakadeliqs.

MAPL.... get it?

MAPL…. get it?

Now in order to enforce this requirement (and embed Canadian stereotypes for all posterity), they established the MAPL system. In order to classify as Canadian content, a recording must meet two of the following criteria:

  • Music composed entirely by a Canadian
  • Artist playing the music or singing the lyrics is principally a Canadian
  • Performance was made in Canada, or recording was entirely done in Canada
  • Lyrics were written entirely by a Canadian

However, when that meant that a Bryan Adams song may not get the airplay it deserved, they went ahead and revised the criteria in 1991, because Bryan Adams really is that important up there.

Ryan on the left

Ryan on the left

Strombo on the right!

Strombo on the right!

In our first piece of CanCon-compliant news, our intrepid doe-eyed celebrity correspondent Amb informs us that cigarette smoker John Malkovich helped save a man’s life… while in Canada! An Ohioan man named Jim Walpole tripped and cut his neck on some scaffolding, and while his wife feared that he may have cut his carotid artery or jugular vein, Malkovich leaped to the rescue and helped stop the bleeding until an ambulance arrived. This led Amb’s favorite gossip site to declare Malkovich the new Ryan Gosling, which upset me, because I always wanted to be the next neuroscientist Ryan Gosling and I make better neuroscience pickup lines than John Malkovich and… I dunno… I guess I need to go out and do something heroic.

…and I will. Just you wait, Amber, just you wait! (until Monday when I make my victory speech)

In other Canadian news (that somehow Amb forgot to announce to the entire world and thus caused the show to open to subpar ratings), everyone’s favorite Canadian-Greek talk show host George Stroumboulopoulos has a new show on CNN called Strombo! Any and all Americans out there in our audience should go watch that show because Strombo is a super cool cat!

In non-CanCon compliant news… I think we’ve filled our 40% quota, Cicero Satterfield, a former Tuskegee Airman (and father of famed Ring Magazine boxing writer Lemuel Satterfield, along with thirteen other children who gave him 43 grandchildren), has passed away. Our deepest condolences to Lem and his family.

That's quite the chorus line!

That’s quite the chorus line!

In news that is sure to give Arto a tingle, his favorite congressman, Michigan Democrat John Dingell, just became the longest-serving congressman in history. Sadly, there was no mention of the Dingell-Norwood bill, which Albert A. Gore made famous in a debate with George W. Bush back in 2000. However, Dingell did receive quite a treat when a chorus line that included cabinet member Kathleen Sebelius and House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi came to serenade him. Oh, and the declared that the Energy and Commerce Committee Hearing Room has been renamed the John D. Dingell Room. Seems like a place both Fannie and Arto should put on their funny named travel destinations.

In heartwarming news from Texas, Gael Fishingbauer Cooper brings us news that a crowd gave the adorable and talented Sebastien De La Cruz a “roaring standing ovation” when he returned to sing the national anthem during the NBA Finals. The American-born De  La Cruz made news earlier in the series when his rendition of the national anthem brought out a bizarre eruption of racist tweets, and handled it with tremendous grace. Let’s hope this time doesn’t see the same response, especially after the boy was congratulated by Spurs’ coach Gregg Popovich and Heat coach Erik Spoelstra.

Lastly, our 90’s Teen Movie Adaptations of Classic Literary Works correspondent Amb brings us the mind-blowing news that M. Night Shyamalan was the ghostwriter for the Freddie Prinze Jr. hit “She’s All That”. Given that Shyamalan is known for his twist endings, we shouldn’t be too surprised by the news of this ghost-obsessed writer being an actual ghost writer, but he stunned us once again. Shocking!

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About Dave

Based out of San Diego, California. Co-founder of the Blog of Funny Names. funnynamesblog.wordpress.com
This entry was posted in Funny Names In The News, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Lord Tunderin’! It’s Funny Names In The News 41 – All The News That’s CANCON-Compliant

  1. amb says:

    I’m sorry – victory speech? Listen babe, just because you’re calling me doe-eyed and giving me Superhero Gosling and Strombo and Canadian content in the same post (SWOON) doesn’t mean you’ve actually won anything. While you’ve been spending your time this week conquering physiology and completing your degree, I’ve been doing the really important stuff … like talking about you and me and television. xo.

    • Dave says:

      Haha, changing the terms of the contest are we? 🙂

      • amb says:

        LOL. Did we even actually define terms? I’ve been talking so much this week that I’ve lost track.

        • Liz says:

          as an unbiased third party (really, I am!), I’m going to side with amb and say that she’s been working really hard on this Davember smack-down project (and again, “smack-down” has only the most positive connotations here) and she’s going to win unless you can pull some really good stuff out of your virtual hat. I believe the terms were something along the lines of “who can talk enough (positive) smack to get the other one to back down.” Seems as if neither one of you have done that (you’ve really only been half in the game, though for legit reasons–CONGRATULATIONS, btw). Maybe the contest needs another week? Just sayin’

  2. ksbeth says:

    i would love to marry hawksley workman just so i could share his name

    • Dave says:

      That would easily make you one of my favorite people ever. Hawksley is a legend.

      • amb says:

        When Kristen and I were at Alan Doyle’s show a few weeks back, Hawksley slipped in to watch the second set. (He and Alan and the boys have done a few projects together). I chatted him up at the bar a bit. (of course I did). He’s such a nice guy!!

  3. Now I have a reason to visit the other Washington. 🙂

  4. Liz says:

    Enjoyed this, Dave, though was a bit tricky having to translate from Canadian to American. lol the 40% thing. Lots of great names. And find it funny that Arto will be all a-tingle because of Dingell. This could go downhill fairly quickly, so will sign off now. Hoping you have a great time celebrating all your successes this weekend 🙂 Though I hardly know you outside of funny name posts, I’m kinda proud of you little bro 😉

    • Dave says:

      Thank you! It’s finally hitting me that I’m done, but I’m saving the celebrating for if/when I get a med school acceptance letter, which should be any day now. Any day…

  5. Arto says:

    Why Liz, I sure am all a-tingle about Dingell. Pleased to see this week’s Dingell quota is filled again, CanCon or not.

    I’ve never seen “She’s All That”, but if I was Shyamalan and was (ghost)writing it, I would end with the twist that she, in fact, is NOT all that. Boom, minds blown.

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