Hap-hap-happy Friday everyone, and congrats to Amb/Tallulah for making it to Friday in one piece, as it’s apparently been quite the week!
Therefore, it only seems fitting to close out the workweek with quite the FNITN!
In our lead story, our venerable correspondent Mad Mark Sackler has returned from his stint as Moniker Madness Mark to bring us some more sporting updates, and these two names are quite a doozy! Take it away, Mark!
In the biggest sports news of the week, fans of American women’s tennis were thrilled by the stunning run of 15-year-old qualifier Tornado Ali Black at the US Open.
She made it all the way to the final of the junior singles bracket in a bid to become the youngest American woman to win the title since Jennifer Capriotti accomplished the feat as a 13-year-old in 1989. Although she lost a heartbreaking final in a tight third set tiebreaker to Ana Kunjah of Croatia, she is destined to be a force–in both tennis and funny name lore–for years to come. Best of all? Her 12-year-old sister, Hurricane Tyra Black is the number one ranked U.S. player in her age group. Move over Venus and Serena! Note: Tornado is not her legal name (think Eldred “Tiger” Woods) but her sister’s name is actually Hurricane. – Match Point Mark
Next, we turn to a far less legitimate sport: the sport of twerking and catching yourself on fire. Now some of you may have been among the 11 million people who watched the “Worst Twerk Fail Ever” video (warning: turn sound down near the end) where a girl twerks against a door that her friend unknowingly opens, and then falls through a glass table and catches her yoga pants on fire. Tragic!
However, it turns out the joke was actually on us. Late night comedian Jimmy Kimmel revealed this week that he was actually behind the video, and has footage of him busting in with a hot pink v-neck shirt and a fire extinguisher to prove it. It turns out the wayward twerker (no, I can’t believe I just wrote that either) was actually a professional stuntwoman named Daphne Avalon, although we doubt that’s her actual name. In any case, it was quite the stunt, and I’m impressed by how well the two of them Punk’d the internet.
In Awesome Feminist Bloggers Take Down Religious Zealots news, Lindy West (one of the blogosphere’s best-kept secrets) executed a skillful, sharply-worded and sarcastic retort to a bizarre “Catholic” weirdo named Rayland Allerman, who has made headlines for his suggestion that young women shouldn’t go to college. I won’t dignify the fool by visiting his page or linking to it, but my guess is that his #1 reason is because they’d realize that Rayland is even more off his rocker than they thought.
Speaking of things that Japanese people might call “rocker”, Tennessee Titans quarterback Jake Locker was the victim of an impressively-timed sack last weekend by Steelers’ safety Troy Polamalu. That’s a once-in-a-lifetime play right there.
In college football news, HaHa Clinton-Dix (who we previously saw in FNITN 50) had something to say about the Alabama Crimson Tide‘s respect for Texas A&M’s controversial quarterback Johnny Manziel. For those who don’t want to click the link, I’ll summarize it thus: despite having the team name “Crimson Tide” and a star safety named Haha, they believe Manziel is no laughing matter.
Finally, in the most important news of the week!!! there’s a huge boxing match tomorrow night between Floyd Joy Mayweather, Jr. and Saul “Canelo” Alvarez (a talented red-haired Mexican whose nickname means “cinnamon”). The bout, featuring the world’s #1 fighter against a young Mexican star on Mexican Independence Day weekend, has already broken records for most money collected through ticket sales, and is expected to break pay-per-view records as the most-watched PPV boxing match of all time. My prediction is that Mayweather gets win 45 and keeps his undefeated record, but it will nonetheless be an exciting event!
That’s it for Funny Names in the News Fifty Three! Take care of yourselves and don’t forget to tip your waitresses!