My name is Sue! How do you do? Now you’re gonna die!
That said, at least you’ll die happy b’cause….. it’s FUNNY NAMES IN THE NEWS FRIDAY! We’ve got a whole slew of fantastic news to share with y’all so let’s get this party started!
In discredited sea beast news, we bring you this “hot off the presses” update from 1994 that Marmaduke Wetherall was the man behind the Loch Ness Monster after all! Apparently he was peeved at his old employer, The Daily Mail, and decided to attach a toy to another toy in order to make gullible folks waste millions of man hours over subsequent decades investigating the apocryphal monster with the irrefutable photographic proof.
That said, it reminds me of one of my favorite one jokes from the late, legendary comic Mitch Hedberg.
“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.”
In sports news, our Butt Humor correspondent Arto informs us that colorful football coach Bum Phillips has passed away at the sprightly age of 90. It was a good life, Bum!
In younger-people football news, I’m glad to announce that “Famous” Jameis Winston piloted his Florida State Seminoles to victory over the Clemson Tigers this past weekend, solidifying the Freshman quarterback’s status as a rising star on the gridiron.
Now why the heck do they call it a gridiron? No one knows….
Let’s move up the age ladder again, because ad-loving internet denizens have crowned two unlikely viral video stars: Morty and Lee Kaufman. The 90-year-old married couple is still swingin’, literally, as they showed off in a recent series of Swiffer commercials, including one featuring a lovely dance number. You go, Morty and Lee! Way to pick up dust from hard-to-reach places and be awesome while doing it! These Swiffer folks give cleaning a whole new meaning!
In pro wrestling news, Rob is still alive, and he took me and his pops to see TNA Wrestling’s Bound for Glory pay per view show in San Diego on Sunday. The main event saw reigning champion Bully Ray (also known as Mark LoMonaco, who shares a birthday with yours truly) lose his title to fan-favorite pretty boy AJ Styles. But the highlight for me was finding out that Bully’s real-life wife is none other than beautician Fawnfeather Carr. I can’t blame him: if I met someone named Fawnfeather, I’d probably propose on the spot.
We’re still in sports, and our Football – No, Not That Kind of Football… the Other Kind Correspondent Arto tells us some brilliant information:
“CSKA Moscow coach Leonid Slutsky admits the pitch for his side’s clash with Manchester City is in a poor state. “I suppose the quality of the pitch is, absolutely, equal to the quality of our latest results,” sniffed Slutsky, whose side have lost five of their last seven.” (from the Guardian’s futbol newsletter The Fiver). The Stadium is called Khimki Arena. – Arto
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
In “I’m Surprised It Wasn’t Rob Who Shared This” news, the excitable icicle (better known as showbiz correspondent Amber) brings us the news that the new Metallica concert movie is directed by Nimród Antal. Nimrods are really making a comeback in FNITN these days!
In Flagrant Fragrance news, Amb brings us an update that simply can’t be outdone, even though she basically set up the joke for me. I’ve been under the weather and Amb is witty enough on her own, so take it away, Amb!
“Funny-named Slate columnist Dahlia Lithwick conducted an experiment where she used nothing but Axe body products for an entire week. First of all, the article is hilarious. Second of all, Dave, I feel like you can get a lot of mileage out of this one: you, me, smelling delicious, how you’re spending time in the research lab to create a customized scent that attracts certain bloggers by capturing the essence of Nathan Fillion, peanut butter cups, and wit … ” amb xo.
And last, but not least… Cumberbitches!
Wow, was that a jam-packed week of hilarity or what? Tune in next week when we explain how to get Trichinosis on a 100% vegan diet. It’s one thing you won’t wanna miss!
Happy Friday everyone!