Hello mellow yellow fellows! Happy Friday morning! It’s that time of the week again.
Is it really? Yikes!
Fresh off a 13-hour essay writing stint where I finished 19 of the 22 application essays I was aiming for today, I’m jumpin straight into Funny Names in the News and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.
Where’s my brain? Have you seen it? It looks kind of like this:
Whoops, that’s Stormin’ Gorman Thomas! One time back in my high school art club days I was drawing a baseball player and Rob said “Hey, that looks like Gorman Thomas! He was a Brewer legend who could bop one out with the best of ’em!” and so I found out about Gorman Thomas. He was a Brewer legend (I guess he still is). He could also bop one out with the best of ’em.
What was I saying? Oh yeah… my brain. It looks like this:
In bourbon heist news, our very own Liz brings us news that a recent heist (or at least it was recent a few weeks ago when she told me about it before I negligently forgot it) of 20-year-old Pappy Van Winkle bourbon is likely an inside job. I remember having some Pappy Van Winkle with my friend Courtney after a dancing lesson back in the days of yore (like 2-3 months ago). It probably wasn’t 20 years old though. Still, a delicious bourbon.
Wait! Courtney, Dave, bourbon… sounds familiar doesn’t it?
Why yes it does! Because back in the days of yore, Liz wrote a delightful post about a delightful bourbon cake that Courtney delightfully prepared for me. Fun fact: if I’m not dead on Monday, I’ll be giving Courtney her first boxing lesson. Yippee skippy! Fun Fact 2: That post reminds me that Liz has never seen Community. Dear friends: make sure to mention that in the comments section đ
Moving on…

The existence of stock photos like this one reaffirms my faith in humanity and God and boxing and our founding fathers and smart phones and all that is good in the world.
The BoFN’s very own Exhaustion correspondent Dave Who Is Me brings us news of a thoughtful reflection on poverty and spending habits by the awesomely-named Tressie McMillan Cottom.
Honestly though, as a guy with a name like Dave, I have to wonder what kind of authority Tressie McMillan Cottom can have on issues of poverty, since she possesses such a richness of awesome names.
On to politics, where folks took a break from their usual muckraking and name calling on Tuesday to vote in some important elections. Beleaguered Ex-Politico Correspondent, Dave Who Is Still Me brings us the important news that Chris Christie defeated Barbara Buono in the New Jersey gubernatorial election, also known as the battle of the double monogrammed. Congrats to Mr. Christie.
In People Who Look Nothing Like Chris Christie news, Celebuzz and Cuteness Correspondent Amb! brings us news that Taye Diggs was on New Girl this week. She then goes on to eloquently explain the notability of such an occurrence. “Which wouldn’t be that newsworthy, except that he was shown in bed. Naked. And there’s a GIF: (see below). While I’m recovering, sit back and watch your stats climb because of all those “naked taye diggs” search results. You’re welcome. amb xo.”
In old high school buddies news, Dave Who Is Surprisingly Still Me brings us the pleasant convergence of old Torrey Pines alum Rodrique Zsorryon Benson and former NBA center Olumide Oyedeji in the Korean Basketball League. The announcement came in the form of a finger-lickin’ good Berkeley article on one of their tallest ex-students.
In Abe Vigoda wearing a Wombat Suit news, an anonymous tipster who I’ll guess is Amb since it’s a link to a Vulture article brings us the delightful news update that was summarized thusly: Abe Vigoda, Wombat suit, Phish. And it’s true. Abe Vigoda did wear a wombat suit at a Phish concert.
In Pussy Riot news, Esteemed Pussy Riot Expert Who Is Also Me, Dave, brings us a concerning update that Pussy Riot’s very own Nadezhda Tolokonnikova has not been heard from in 19 days despite supposedly being transferred to a different prison. While we wish her only the best, and eagerly await her return, you can take some comfort in the sheer number of awesome Russian names in this BBC article. Have I mentioned lately how much I love Russian women? Well that goes twofold for Russian women who are in a band called Pussy Riot, even though I’ve never actually listened to their songs.
Well that just about sums up another tired and weary and corybantic edition of Funny Names in the News. Join us next week when we tell you how to turn a platypus into…
Oh, honey. I need to go to bed early and leave you alone to write FNITNs on no sleep more often. You and your badass brain crack me up.
Thanks, I appreciate it. Actually only the second part. Me want sleep!
This is . . . I just . . . I mean . . .
Words fail me.
I don’t have a bad*ss brain but I literally had Bad*ss as a name, though just for a short period.
Look everyone! Diddy didn’t have the ability to write a blurb today! I take this as some sort of feather in my cap. Either he was so blown away by the awesomeness of this post, or its wacky, directionless tone left him totally incapacitated. Either way, I think I’ve accomplished something notable!
“Either he was so blown away by the awesomeness of this post, or its wacky, directionless tone left him totally incapacitated.”
These are not mutually exclusive possibilities. It doesn’t have to be “either . . . or”; it could be “both . . . AND”!
Both…AND! I like it!
While I’m sorry I did not see your plea for help last night, I love what you did with the FNITN. Except for the animated Taye Diggs, that’s a bit disturbing. đ
I know! I wish I could say that even my nightmares were disturbed by that gif, but I slept so deeply I don’t even remember the dreams I had.
As for not seeing my plea, it’s all good. That’s what happens when I decide to call for help at the last minute. It all culminated in a wacky FNITN, so I consider it a minor victory.
you made my taye )
Dearest Beth, I’m not sure whether I should love you or hate you for that pun. Just kidding, I love puns. That’s how I roll! I’m happy I made your Taye!
when in doubt, always choose to love me
Good policy đ
I’ve never heard someone say their brain looks like Gorman Thomas.
I’m a pioneer Rob. A pioneer! I’m the Ferdinand Magellan of brain analogies!
realizing I never hit this on Friday–sorry! (am busy working multiple projects, etc, much like yourself đ ) Thanks for the hits for Pappy. Hope they catch the high-end bourbon stealer and bring him/her to justice.
Your post is definitely a cry for help đ Though you’re not giving anyone much reason to fill in for you when you put awesome reads like this one out… Carry on, Dave!
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