Hello mellow yellow fellows! Happy Friday morning! It’s that time of the week again.

Is it really? Yikes!

Fresh off a 13-hour essay writing stint where I finished 19 of the 22 application essays I was aiming for today, I’m jumpin straight into Funny Names in the News and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.

Where’s my brain? Have you seen it? It looks kind of like this:

Whoops, that’s Stormin’ Gorman Thomas! One time back in my high school art club days I was drawing a baseball player and Rob said “Hey, that looks like Gorman Thomas! He was a Brewer legend who could bop one out with the best of ’em!” and so I found out about Gorman Thomas. He was a Brewer legend (I guess he still is). He could also bop one out with the best of ’em.

What was I saying? Oh yeah… my brain. It looks like this:

My brain’s more badass than your brain! 😛

In bourbon heist news, our very own Liz brings us news that a recent heist (or at least it was recent a few weeks ago when she told me about it before I negligently forgot it) of 20-year-old Pappy Van Winkle bourbon is likely an inside job. I remember having some Pappy Van Winkle with my friend Courtney after a dancing lesson back in the days of yore (like 2-3 months ago). It probably wasn’t 20 years old though. Still, a delicious bourbon.

Wait! Courtney, Dave, bourbon… sounds familiar doesn’t it?

Why yes it does! Because back in the days of yore, Liz wrote a delightful post about a delightful bourbon cake that Courtney delightfully prepared for me. Fun fact: if I’m not dead on Monday, I’ll be giving Courtney her first boxing lesson. Yippee skippy! Fun Fact 2: That post reminds me that Liz has never seen Community. Dear friends: make sure to mention that in the comments section 🙂

Moving on…

The existence of stock photos like this one reaffirms my faith in humanity and God and boxing and our founding fathers and smart phones and all that is good in the world.

The BoFN’s very own Exhaustion correspondent Dave Who Is Me brings us news of a thoughtful reflection on poverty and spending habits by the awesomely-named Tressie McMillan Cottom.

Honestly though, as a guy with a name like Dave, I have to wonder what kind of authority Tressie McMillan Cottom can have on issues of poverty, since she possesses such a richness of awesome names.

On to politics, where folks took a break from their usual muckraking and name calling on Tuesday to vote in some important elections. Beleaguered Ex-Politico Correspondent, Dave Who Is Still Me brings us the important news that Chris Christie defeated Barbara Buono in the New Jersey gubernatorial election, also known as the battle of the double monogrammed. Congrats to Mr. Christie.

Chris Christie rockin’ the … I don’t know what the heck that look is!

In People Who Look Nothing Like Chris Christie news, Celebuzz and Cuteness Correspondent Amb! brings us news that Taye Diggs was on New Girl this week. She then goes on to eloquently explain the notability of such an occurrence. “Which wouldn’t be that newsworthy, except that he was shown in bed. Naked. And there’s a GIF: (see below). While I’m recovering, sit back and watch your stats climb because of all those “naked taye diggs” search results. You’re welcome. amb xo.”

In old high school buddies news, Dave Who Is Surprisingly Still Me brings us the pleasant convergence of old Torrey Pines alum Rodrique Zsorryon Benson and former NBA center Olumide Oyedeji in the Korean Basketball League. The announcement came in the form of a finger-lickin’ good Berkeley article on one of their tallest ex-students.

In Abe Vigoda wearing a Wombat Suit news, an anonymous tipster who I’ll guess is Amb since it’s a link to a Vulture article brings us the delightful news update that was summarized thusly: Abe Vigoda, Wombat suit, Phish. And it’s true. Abe Vigoda did wear a wombat suit at a Phish concert.

In Pussy Riot news, Esteemed Pussy Riot Expert Who Is Also Me, Dave, brings us a concerning update that Pussy Riot’s very own Nadezhda Tolokonnikova has not been heard from in 19 days despite supposedly being transferred to a different prison. While we wish her only the best, and eagerly await her return, you can take some comfort in the sheer number of awesome Russian names in this BBC article. Have I mentioned lately how much I love Russian women? Well that goes twofold for Russian women who are in a band called Pussy Riot, even though I’ve never actually listened to their songs.

Well that just about sums up another tired and weary and corybantic edition of Funny Names in the News. Join us next week when we tell you how to turn a platypus into…

… wait, what?

are you telling me there’s still some unfinished business?

Does it have anything to do with Dave’s straight man card being revoked?

Yes, yes it does.

Here’s the aforementioned naked Taye Diggs gif, which makes me grateful that there were no subpoenas ordered on my hard drive in the twenty seconds this existed on there.

Remind me to never again use the words “grateful”, “hard drive” and anything that sounds like “subpoenas” in the same sentence where I mention a naked black man. Kthxbai!