Here comes Peter Cottontail, hoppin’ down the blogging trail, bringing you another F-N-I-T-N.
Bringin’ every girl and boy, lots of nomenclature joy.
Hippity hop, Funny Names In The News!
On that youthful note, let’s start off this week’s FNITN with a precocious youngster and his quest to achieve the unachievable: get a toy out of one of those silly claw machines. Turns out an unnamed tot from Lincoln, Nebraska climbed into a claw machine, achieving every young person’s dream, but at the same time getting stuck in the machine. If even an enterprising young human can’t get out of those things, how the heck do we expect a hackneyed claw and a plush treasure to do so?!?
Now, our Awesome Infant Correspondent Dave found this one, but without a name provided, we’ll just have to assume that the child had a spectacular name, in a case of early onset Nominative Determinism.
Of course, a blank slate is a true artist’s canvas, so perhaps it’s our job to anoint the youngster with a name befitting his snazziness. I propose Eustace Aloysius Crabamuffin – what say you? Do you have a better name for him? Sound off in the comments!
That intro about new lives was set up to prime you for the saddest funny-named story in the news this week – the death of our beloved Peaches Honeyblossom Geldof (whose protesting was covered in detail by Mark “The Lark” Sackler. No information is provided on the cause of death, which was classified as “unexplained and sudden”, and Peaches will be missed by many.
Exclaimed her father Bob Geldof:
“We are beyond pain. She was the wildest, funniest, cleverest, wittiest and the most bonkers of all of us. We loved her and will cherish her forever.” – Bob Geldof, father of Peaches Honeyblossom
From the saddening to the slightly-more-maddening, Philandering Politico Correspondent Dave brings us news that another “moral majority” congressman from Louisiana was caught canoodling with a staffer. Sometimes it seems like those guys are the most likely to be up to something fishy. The most recent addition to the pantheon of “Family Values turned Family Upheaval” politicos is Louisiana’s Vance McAllister, whose only saving grace is that he chose a mistress with a positively delightful name: Melissa Peacock.
In news that may apply to some of us more than others (but luckily none of us too much), our Bio-ish Correspondent Dave notes that a panel of experts are saying biomedical research in its current form is heading for a meltdown. That’s grim news, but let our spirits be uplifted by the fact that the authors of the report include Bruce Alberts, Marc Kirschner, Shirley Tilghman, and Harold Varmus. In those names, we trust!
Lastly – and speaking of trust – Aquatic (and Only A Little Psychotic) Correspondent Dave drops the impressive news that a lady named Ocean Ramsey has been swimming with sharks. They call her “The Shark Whisperer”, and after viewing this lovely, remarkable footage, it’s hard to disagree!
What a week! Rabbits to claws to Peaches to Congress to biomedicine to sharks! That’ll do it for Funny Names in the News 79! Enjoy yo’ Fridaysss!