“I call everyone ‘darling’ because I can’t remember their names.”–Zsa Zsa Gabor
If you can’t remember the names of the following guys, you are ditzier than Zsa Zsa. Yes, it’s time once again for The Blog of Funny Names annual poll where you, the un-ditzy followers of this hallowed portal, choose the most outrageous and memorable of a bumper crop of funny-named pro-bowlers-to-be. The 2014 draft starts Thursday evening, so let’s get right to this year’s amazing nominees.
Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina–Right off the bat, we have our odds-on favorite. How do you beat a guy with “clown” in his name who is likely to be the number one overall pick in this weekend’s draft? And his mother Josenna works in a Frito-Lay plant, to boot. Josenna Clowney in a Frito-lay plant? Some people are just born to live on this blog! Clowney is going to be tough to beat, but this next guy might just give him a run for the money.
Ha’Sean “Ha-Ha” Clinton-Dix, FS, Alabama–This is almost too good to be true, and it’s almost unfair. Guys with “Clown” and “Ha-Ha” in their names have a major advantage over everyone else. They have “funny” embedded in their names! We ought to give a special award to both of them and let everyone else compete on a level playing field. Can you imagine the jokes if this guy had been playing back in the mid 90’s? ” Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix” sounds like something Monica Lewinsky would have said at a senate hearing.
Jeremiah Attaochu, OLB Georgia Tech–Please cover your mouth and excuse yourself when you say this name. Gezundheit!
Louchiez Purifoy, CB, Florida–Nope, this guy is not a former partner of the 1970’s R&B duo, James and Bobby Purify. At any rate, with his hairdo, he looks more like a Conehead from the Saturday Night Live sketches of that era.
Xavier Grimble, TE, USC–Wait a minute–didn’t I already cover this guy in my post about funny names in the works of Charles Dickens? This name sounds as if it came straight out of The Pickwick Papers. And it’s appropriate that he’s a tight end, because Xavier Grimble would make a great moniker for a prototypical Dickensian tightwad. (Note: there actually was a Dickens character named Arthur Grimble in Nicholas Nickleby, but I think ‘ol Charles missed the boat. Xavier is just sooooooo much better.)
Honorable mentions go to:
- Kony Ealy, DE, Missouri, with one of the most mellifluous of this year’s entries.
- Cyrus Kouandjio, OT, Alabama, and if Cyrus isn’t as awesome as Cornelius, it sure comes close.
- Ego Ferguson, DT, LSU. Finally, somebody gets the first name Joe Namath or Mohammed Ali should have had.
- Xavier Su’a-Filo, OG, Virginia. Wow, an apostrophe and a hyphen. Too bad he will probably split the Xavier vote with Grimble.
- IK Enemkpali, DE, Louisiana Tech. Yes, he apparently spells his first name with two capital letters. IK is short for..er–uh–something-or-other.
As an added twist to this year’s voting, write-ins will be allowed. And they don’t have to come from the honorable mentions. You can put in any ol’ name you please, as long as it’s an amateur football player. Even your 8-year-old nephew playing Pop Warner is eligible because, hey, you never know. You can vote as often as you like, but the polls will close one week from today. So as the oft-quoted and unfunny Al Capone said, “vote early and vote often.”