Stop. Hammer Time.
I know; I thought it was spelled Army Hammer, too. Or Arm & Hammer, with which I brush daily to prevent gingivitis. But it’s Armie, short for Armand, a name that keeps getting passed down. Armand is both his father’s middle name, as well as his paternal great grand-father’s first name.
You probably saw Armie portray identical twins, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss in The Social Network. Yeah, the preppy dudes. He also played The Lone Ranger, alongside Johnny Depp as Tonto (incidentally, the name of my half-bassett/half-heeler, who is not a great companion, but simply stupid, which is what “tonto” means in Spanish.) Did you know that Depp (the scarf accessory king) is actually John Depp II? He is.
Armand. Sound familiar? You may recall Armand Assante (Armand Assault-Me, as they used to say), the one who always plays Mafia gangsters. You know, the one who sucks his cheeks in?
Speaking of passing down family names, Assante is the junior to his father’s Armand Anthony Assante, Sr. Triple A! I love matchy-matchy initials! Especially when my car needs a tow…
But back to Armie. His funny-naminess doesn’t end with him being a tool: one of his eight times great-grandfathers was the Cherokee chief Kanagatucko. Sweet! Makes me want to sing, “Kanagatucko, Mr. Roboto, Domo. Domo.”
Per my pal Wikipedia, Kanagatucko is known in English as Old Hop, but the Cherokee translates as Stalking Turkey. Wow, this just gets better and better. And not to beat a dead horse, but Old Hop was the uncle of Attakullakulla, who was better known as Little Carpenter. So Little Carpenter is kin to Tall Actor. That’s seven degrees of Kevin Bacon!
Fellas, go take a break. I need to chat with the ladies about Mistah Hammah.
Okay, so, he was born the week that Steve Winwood’s “Higher Love” peaked at number one. You want to talk higher love? Armie is 6’5″, y’all. He wears a size 15 shoe. I know, right?
Bedroom eyes? Check. Unzipped hoodie? Check. Iguana reptile on his leg? Check. Look at him communing with nature and beasts (while sporting his Rolie Bling). And P.S., he plays the guitar.
You want a bad boy instead? Get this: he told New York magazine that during his stint at private Christian school. “I poured lighter fluid outside the school and set it on fire.” Muy rebelde.
It’s not surprising that he was one of GQ’s 2011 Men of the Year, along with Mehcad Brooks and Anton Yelchin. Nothing like the company of those two men to make Armie Hammer sound like a normal name! And I’m sure they’re fine young men. But I bet they don’t rock a size 15 shoe.