Armie Hammer: The Soldier’s Tool

Stop. Hammer Time.

I know; I thought it was spelled Army Hammer, too. Or Arm & Hammer, with which I brush daily to prevent gingivitis. But it’s Armie, short for Armand, a name that keeps getting passed down. Armand is both his father’s middle name, as well as his paternal great grand-father’s first name. 

You probably saw Armie portray identical twins, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss in The Social Network. Yeah, the preppy dudes. He also played The Lone Ranger, alongside Johnny Depp as Tonto (incidentally, the name of my half-bassett/half-heeler, who is not a great companion, but simply stupid, which is what “tonto” means in Spanish.) Did you know that Depp (the scarf accessory king) is actually John Depp II? He is.

Armand. Sound familiar? You may recall Armand Assante (Armand Assault-Me, as they used to say), the one who always plays Mafia gangsters. You know, the one who sucks his cheeks in?


Speaking of passing down family names, Assante is the junior to his father’s Armand Anthony Assante, Sr. Triple A! I love matchy-matchy initials! Especially when my car needs a tow…

I THOUGHT THIS POST WAS ABOUT ME!! (huffington post credits)

I THOUGHT THIS POST WAS ABOUT ME!! (huffington post credits)

But back to Armie. His funny-naminess doesn’t end with him being a tool: one of his eight times great-grandfathers was the Cherokee chief Kanagatucko. Sweet! Makes me want to sing, “Kanagatucko, Mr. Roboto, Domo. Domo.”  

Per my pal Wikipedia, Kanagatucko is known in English as Old Hop, but the Cherokee translates as Stalking Turkey. Wow, this just gets better and better. And not to beat a dead horse, but Old Hop was the uncle of Attakullakulla, who was better known as Little Carpenter. So Little Carpenter is kin to Tall Actor. That’s seven degrees of Kevin Bacon!

Fellas, go take a break. I need to chat with the ladies about Mistah Hammah.

Okay, so, he was born the week that Steve Winwood’s “Higher Love” peaked at number one. You want to talk higher love? Armie is 6’5″, y’all. He wears a size 15 shoe. I know, right?

Bedroom eyes? Check. Unzipped hoodie? Check. Iguana reptile on his leg? Check. Look at him communing with nature and beasts (while sporting his Rolie Bling). And P.S., he plays the guitar.

You want a bad boy instead? Get this: he told New York magazine that during his stint at private Christian school. “I poured lighter fluid outside the school and set it on fire.” Muy rebelde.

It’s not surprising that he was one of GQ’s 2011 Men of the Year, along with Mehcad Brooks and Anton Yelchin. Nothing like the company of those two men to make Armie Hammer sound like a normal name! And I’m sure they’re fine young men. But I bet they don’t rock a size 15 shoe.



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43 Responses to Armie Hammer: The Soldier’s Tool

  1. Rio says:

    I clicked the “like” button but I just want to say, it wasn’t enough. I REALLY liked it. (Sorry for yelling.)

  2. kerbey says:

    Reblogged this on I Don't Get It and commented:

    Today I was fortunate to take a trip over to the Blog of Funny Names and guest post about Armie Hammer. Please visit if you’ve got the time. Thanks!

  3. Benson says:

    Size 15 shoe.. huh. Six foot five… huh. With Cherokee great Grandpas what were his Grandmas? Watusi Princesses? I mean that is one tall drink of water. The only 2 guys I’ve heard of is Assante and Depp so this was all new to me. As a matter of fact when I saw your title I actually though you were making a play on words about a Military tool. Speaking of which I thought GQ was ” old hat”. Out dated. That is just another cool thing about your posts. You give us a thought and a laugh. Rock on Lady.

    • kerbey says:

      🙂 Well, Armie is a young thing who hasn’t peaked yet, so I can understand why you hadn’t heard of him. GQ has free cologne samples, so I always like that…

  4. Liz says:

    First Dave’s Iggy and now this. I am out of The Loop. But you’re here to pull me back in, Kerbey, and for that I am grateful. I did see Social Network and remember those Winklevoss twerps. You’re telling me now it was just one twerp? Who knew? (Anyone who read the credits or is in the Loop, that’s who.)

    Love your crazy post–all over the place. But first we paused (er, I mean stopped) for Hammer Time. Woo hoo! Back to Armie: He has great eyes and that’s a nice hoodie, but the iguana is not hot. Do you think the iguana is hot? (not the iguana per se, but the fact that Armie has an iguana on his right knee) Maybe it’s just me.

    • Dave says:

      I like that you capitalized The Loop. It is kind of a proper noun, isn’t it?

      I’ve never been attracted to a guy with an iguana on his leg. But maybe that wasn’t related to the iguana….

    • kerbey says:

      I probably wouldn’t touch it myself. Not into reptiles. Except maybe as cowboy boots. And yes, just one snide twerp! One tall drink of watery twerp.

  5. Dave says:

    So much goodness in this post! I’ll reply in line-item fashion 🙂

    Perhaps my favorite initials ever are held by baseball player Ugueth Urtain Urbina, who somehow hasn’t yet been featured on this blog. (Rob… come back! We need more good baseball-related posts!)

    I never knew that “unzipped hoodie” was a thing. I usually alternate between fully zipped and completely unzipped. Maybe I’m doing it wrong!

    Impressive research with the Steve Winwood stuff!

    I really like the name Kangatucko!

    Thank you for getting Mr. Roboto stuck in my head! It’ll be a fun morning!

    • Dave says:

      P.S. GQ’s Man of the Year 2011 list seems like it was chosen by one of us! There are funny names lovers everywhere!

    • kerbey says:

      Are you certain that UUU’s middle name wasn’t really supposed to be Curtain? We had a straight A homecoming queen at school whose initials were AAA, and I’m pretty sure that’s why she was pretty and popular. Triples lead to success.

      Perhaps I should say “partially unzipped,” as it were. (You weren’t supposed to read that far anyway, male). A partially unzipped hoodie is like an invitation to a secret.

      Dōmo arigatō misutā Robotto to you.

      • Dave says:

        “(You weren’t supposed to read that far anyway, male)” and Liz’s cracks about my news aggregation have been my favorite recent comments I’ve seen on the blog 🙂

  6. Strange names, eh? Here’s what I deal with daily:

    “King Ke’eaumoku was born to Keaweʻīkekahialiʻiokamoku and his half-sister, Princess Kalanikauleleiaiwi.”

    Hmppph. Amateurs.

    • kerbey says:

      Yeah, Hawaii puts all this to shame, no? You have so many Ks to deal with. How do you do it? I guess nothing on this blog will ever impress you. Just a thought: maybe they could cool it with all the syllables and vowels. It’s overkill.

      Princess Kalani has a much nicer ring to it. Plus, how do you yell at people in a crowd? By the time you’re half-way through with the name, you may have named 7 other people. I guess that’s the downside of living in paradise.

    • Dave says:

      Wow, that’s amazing! I love Hawaiian names!

      • Liz says:

        even the comments and replies are winners, here. Dave, can we name Kerbey the BoFN Queen? I think she qualifies for King in that she should be Ruler (not saying you shouldn’t be–just saying that in only two posts she’s taken us so many places and gotten so many new and brilliant readers over here), but because she is female she can not be King. That glass ceiling always hits the ladies eventually.

        • kerbey says:

          Ha ha ha. Very funny. I’m no Lorde; “let me be your ruler (ruler).” Speaking of royalty, did you know Prince William is also called Baron Carrickfergus?

          • Liz says:

            No, I did not know that. My list of what I’m learning from you is growing quickly today, Kerbey. Love how my head is getting crammed with so much knowledge. This is awesome. 😀

        • Dave says:

          Wow, that’s pretty bold! What about Amber? I’ll have to think about it, but it’s rad having Kerbey around! She is taking us in a lot of awesome new directions.

          P.S. Did you see how many hits Iggy Azalea has brought in today? I’m telling you… aggregation through Facebook is the way to go!

          • kerbey says:

            Hurray for Iggy Azalea and hurray for facebook!

          • Liz says:

            I love Amb like a sister, but she is more the Princess type (have you see her collection of sparkly tiaras?).

            And yes, rad is the first word that comes to mind for Kerbey 😉 Hoping you’re remembering who suggested we bring her on board. ’cause I’m still angling for that raise. Though I think we’re getting paid in points, so maybe not important.

            You once offered to find me a nickname, but I’m going to beat you do it and give one to you. You, dear Dave, are The Aggregator. (said with a Schwarzenegger sort of growl). That word totally describes you! ‘Cause we know you’ll be back etc etc. 😀

          • kerbey says:

            A second that emotion, even if my vote doesn’t count. Agg-reg-at-ah.

          • Liz says:

            um, as King, your vote totally counts. You rule, remember?

          • kerbey says:

            I sing harmony in all aspects of life, never lead singer.

          • Dave says:

            I have not seen her tiara collection, but I feel like that’s something I must do!

            Of course I remember who brought Kerbey on board (I’m giving you credit for more than just “suggesting” it… you played an active role in that).

            As a reward, Liz, I’m offering you a choice: I can either triple your salary, or triple your points… your choice… choose wisely!

            The Aggregator… I like it. That’s the first nickname I’ve gotten since middle school!

  7. Arto says:

    So much good nameliness and meaning related fun. On top of all that, “depp” is German for “idiot”. You can tell why he’s so popular over there. Imagine Summer Action Film starring Johnny Idiot. It’d sell like blueberry pancakes on a Saturday morning.

    Tonto Winklewoss would be a great pen name for some up and coming artist.

    • kerbey says:

      Well, I’ll be doggoned. You’re right. Depp=idiot, prat, schmuck. Now I want blueberry pancakes. That would be a good pen name, too. I agree.

      • kerbey says:

        Arto said pancakes, so now I’m thinking pancakes. But instead I had a jalapeno burger that was meh.

        • Liz says:

          I know where you can find some green onion pancakes. But blueberry sounds good, too. Sorry to hear about the burger. Life is too short to waste on meh food. 😦 You’ll probably have to have a cocktail to make up for it.

          • kerbey says:

            I want to desperately, but I’m trying to be good. I had water. Stupid boring water because I’m a manatee. But I celebrated the end of my acupuncture and herbs with a Coke today.

  8. ksbeth says:

    i could never be in the family because there is simply no way i could address the christmas cards. though i wouldn’t have minded if we were not related, opens up more possibilities.

  9. wdydfae says:

    Another armazing BoFN contribution!

  10. Sandra says:

    Oh Kerbey. Let me count the ways I love you:
    1) mc hammer
    2) Johnny dreamy Depp…who said idiot? Let me at ’em!!!!
    3) the “higher love” reference with bonus tie in to the subject’s dimensions, including shoe size.

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