Hello y’all! It’s time to fall off the turnip truck and tune in to Funny Names in the News, now in its 85th edition!
We lead things off some soccer tournament that’s going on and features a lot of funny names. The World Cup began on Thursday, making a lot of folks happy – particularly folks in Brazil, whose team of one-named wonders scored a 3-1 victory over Croatia. Star forward Neymar da Silva Santos Junior, better known as just Neymar, scored two goals in the opening game of this year’s tournament.
Speaking of people who were delighted by Brazil’s victory, our old pal Dikembe Mutombo Mplondo Makumba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo took to Twitter to cheer on “his team” Brazil. The oh-so-clever internet has begun calling the Congolese basketballer “literally the world’s biggest Brazil fan.”
Moving from the pitch to the links, Things White People Like Correspondent Arto informs us that A PLANE LANDED ON TORREY PINES GOLF COURSE! near San Diego.
Among the chill, laid-back golfers who took it pretty easy was Dustin Dinsmore, who said “He just hit his shot, and we watched him land and, ‘wow, look at that.’ And we just kept playing.”
People are awesome, aren’t they?
On to baseball, where heralded hardball correspondent Mark “No Snark” Sackler brings us some lukewarm news from the first round of the draft:
I don’t see anything that jumps out at me in the way of great baseball names in the first round of this year’s MLB amateur draft.
The only really good funny name is Touki Toussaint.
The name that sums things up in this literally blandly named draft class? Number 29, to Cincinnati. ALEX BLANDINO – Mark
From hitting balls with sticks to hitting heads with padded mittens, Kissing the Canvas correspondent Dave (me!!!) brings some bittersweet news from the world of boxing.
My favorite boxer, Sergio Martinez faced my second-favorite boxer, Miguel Angel Cotto, last Saturday, and Cotto dominated en route to a 9th round stoppage.
I think it’s time for the 39-year-old Martinez to hang up the glove, but I’m elated for Cotto, who becomes the first Puerto Rican to win world titles in four weight divisions.
This win is sure to please Funny Names fans, who get to examine the list of three-division Puerto Rican champs, which includes: Felix “Tito” Trinidad, Wilfred Benitez and Wilfredo “Bazooka” Gomez. (Unfortunately, no Kermit “The Killer” Cintron).
This list led Cutting Commentary Correspondent Arto to quip that the best way to become a great boxer in Puerto Rico is to have Wilfred in your name.
Which is a sentiment I can agree with. More people need Wilfred in their names.
Lastly, Important International Issues Correspondent Dave reminds us that sports aren’t everything, as Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl has arrived in the US for rehabilitation at a military hospital. The trade of Bergdahl for five detainees has created controversy in Washington (then again, what doesn’t), and shed light on prisoner-swapping practices commonly done worldwide.