Hello y’all! It’s time to fall off the turnip truck and tune in to Funny Names in the News, now in its 85th edition!
Brazil fan Dikembe Mutombo Mplondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo… would this guy by any other name be as awesome? Luckily we’ll never have to find out!
We lead things off some soccer tournament that’s going on and features a lot of funny names. The World Cup began on Thursday, making a lot of folks happy – particularly folks in Brazil, whose team of one-named wonders scored a 3-1 victory over Croatia. Star forward Neymar da Silva Santos Junior, better known as just Neymar, scored two goals in the opening game of this year’s tournament.
Speaking of people who were delighted by Brazil’s victory, our old pal Dikembe Mutombo Mplondo Makumba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo took to Twitter to cheer on “his team” Brazil. The oh-so-clever internet has begun calling the Congolese basketballer “literally the world’s biggest Brazil fan.”
Moving from the pitch to the links, Things White People Like Correspondent Arto informs us that A PLANE LANDED ON TORREY PINES GOLF COURSE! near San Diego.
Among the chill, laid-back golfers who took it pretty easy was Dustin Dinsmore, who said “He just hit his shot, and we watched him land and, ‘wow, look at that.’ And we just kept playing.”
People are awesome, aren’t they?
Touki Toussaint. No word on whether people heckled him by saying “Heyyyy Touki Touki Touki”, but it seems Touki took it pretty well!
On to baseball, where heralded hardball correspondent Mark “No Snark” Sackler brings us some lukewarm news from the first round of the draft:
I don’t see anything that jumps out at me in the way of great baseball names in the first round of this year’s MLB amateur draft.
The only really good funny name is Touki Toussaint.
The name that sums things up in this literally blandly named draft class? Number 29, to Cincinnati. ALEX BLANDINO – Mark
From hitting balls with sticks to hitting heads with padded mittens, Kissing the Canvas correspondent Dave (me!!!) brings some bittersweet news from the world of boxing.
My favorite boxer, Sergio Martinez faced my second-favorite boxer, Miguel Angel Cotto, last Saturday, and Cotto dominated en route to a 9th round stoppage.
I think it’s time for the 39-year-old Martinez to hang up the glove, but I’m elated for Cotto, who becomes the first Puerto Rican to win world titles in four weight divisions.
Wilfredo “Bazooka” Gomez. This charming chap became the youngest-ever world champ, at age 17.
This win is sure to please Funny Names fans, who get to examine the list of three-division Puerto Rican champs, which includes: Felix “Tito” Trinidad, Wilfred Benitez and Wilfredo “Bazooka” Gomez. (Unfortunately, no Kermit “The Killer” Cintron).
This list led Cutting Commentary Correspondent Arto to quip that the best way to become a great boxer in Puerto Rico is to have Wilfred in your name.
Which is a sentiment I can agree with. More people need Wilfred in their names.
Lastly, Important International Issues Correspondent Dave reminds us that sports aren’t everything, as Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl has arrived in the US for rehabilitation at a military hospital. The trade of Bergdahl for five detainees has created controversy in Washington (then again, what doesn’t), and shed light on prisoner-swapping practices commonly done worldwide.
dmmmjjw. a wonderful set of initials
Just rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?
If you don’t bite off your tongue trying to pronounce it!
Haha, I’ve never even realized that, but I agrree… a very nice set of initials!
I hope most of the people in Dikembe Mutombo Mplondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo’s country did not have names that long, or roll call would have taken FOREVER. Can you imagine that scene instead of “Bueller? Bueller?”
Haha, there’s a film project that Arto should take on!
You guys make sports seem like plasma physics.
And make me glad there’s not going to be a test on it.
But Naymar’s plays and dribbling are amazing, even for a sports deficient person like myself.
I barely even know what plasma physics is, but I’m glad you appreciate Neymar. I’m a soccer newbie myself; Arto’s really the guy who knows what’s going on!
kinda sporty up there, so I wasn’t able to fully take it all in, but good call on all the funny naminess. One connection to Heyyyy Touki Touki Touki is a recent Disney vacay where I most thoroughly enjoyed the Enchanted Tiki Room and will readily and gladly sing In the Tiki Tiki Tiki Room for anyone who would like to listen. Unfortunately there was no rum in the Enchanted Tikki Room.
You’ve definitely won the World Cup for funny sports names in the news 🙂