Hola mis amigos! Es la hora para los nombres comicos en las noticias!
Why am I speaking Spanish?!? Because I’m totally out of control!!!
Actually, it’s because I’ve been spending my hard-to-come-by leisure time lately learning Spanish on Memrise, and I’ve upped my vocabulary to 4,867 words!!
Although my accent probably still sounds as unconvincing as when British boxer Ricky Hatton wore a sombrero into his fight with Jose Luis Castillo (to presumably gain the favor of the Mexican crowd), my language skills are improving rapidly, and just in time for med school!
Our first piece of news this week comes from Emeritus Pantsuit Funny Names Correspondent ROB!!!!!
Yes, Rob took time from his insanely busy schedule to tell us all that Padres pitcher Odrisamer Despaigne threw seven shutout innings of baseball in his major league debut, becoming the first Padre since Ricky Bones to throw seven scoreless innings in his debut performance for the Friars. Gooooo Odrisamer (and Rob!) The rest of these updates are all from Not-so-emeritus-funny-names-correspondent-Dave-who-is-me, and there are some doozies of designations on this here list.
In other sports played on grass news, Pretends-He’s-Cultured-And-Worldy-Every-Four-Years Correspondent Dave enlightens us with the news that Ghana’s Asamoah Gyan came so close to earning his team a spot in the Round of 16, but Cristiano Ronaldo scored for Portugal to tie the game, and in the process, got the US through to the knockout round. No doubt, U.S. Soccer Federation president Sunil Gulati is thrilled by the developments. USA! USA!
Oh-ho-ho-kay, moving on, because nothing screams news like guys who retired 37 years ago. It has just come to my attention that the legendary Pele is actually named Edson Arantes do Nascimento (which means something like Edson Arantes of Birth). How’s that for fun?!?!
From sports where people get bitten, to progeny of crocodile hunters, an anonymous tipster whose name rhymes with Flave tells Funny Names HQ that Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late, famed croc wrangler Steve Irwin, has been giving young ladies some good advice, telling girls to “dress their age” and cover up. The proclamation gained Irwin front-page treatment on HelloGiggles (a fine website if there ever was one) and a full article on CNN, which is significantly more than I was doing at age 15.
In the puerile comedy sector, a lady has gained recognition for having The Most Florida Name Ever and shooting a car with a BB gun. The lady’s name – Crystal Metheny … get it… Crystal Meth-eny? Hahahaha!
Just proof that the collective internet has the sense of humor of a 15-year-old high schooler.
You knew it was going to happen eventually… and we return once more to boxing news. First off, it came to Funny Names HQ’s awareness that there has been an active boxer in the past few years named Emerson Chasing Bear, who actually put together a fairly respectable record. Frankly, if I were a judge, I’d give him a few extra rounds on the scorecard just because his name is so radicool!
Finally, boxing history was made last week, as Ukrainian two-time gold medalist Vasyl Lomachenko, who hails from Bilhorod-Dnistrovsky, Ukraine, won a world title with an impressive technical performance against Gary Russell, Jr. The win – in only Lomachenko’s third pro fight – means that he ties Saensak Muangsurin for the fastest fighter ever to win a world title. Pretty darn impressive!
And that does it for this week’s Funny Names in the News, presented to you by Coca Cola, Dave & Rob, and Vlasic Pickles. Not really, but I just want an excuse to use this image again! Catch you on the flip side, folks!