“Zoinks! Egad! Jeepers!” he proclaimed, upon remembering at 1:00am that Funny Names in the News was set for press a mere hours from now. “Better get movin’!” he resolutely decreed.

This week, I (Dave) had collected no fewer than thirteen FNITN updates, to go with two others from our intrepid correspondents, so I’ll see how many I can get to this week, and then pass the rest on to Arto to pinch hit with next week.

Eka Darville, whose name is so awesome it makes his cool hair seem unremarkable

Batting in the leadoff position, the Ever Ebullient Amb!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 brings us an update from one of her “Favorite Television Shows [I’ve] Never Heard Of” series, which is frankly a list so large I think it would overwhelm Santa Claus. Apparently, Eka Darville’s character got killed off on The Originals a couple of weeks ago. Now before you exclaim “Oh no! Someone was killed!!” let Amb console you with these words of wisdom:

“This isn’t really FNITN-worthy, since characters get killed off on The Originals more often than I swoon over Imaginary Boyfriends … but the Emmy nominations were just announced, and The Originals is nominated for Hairstyling for a Multi Camera series, and the fact that this is an actual Emmy Category that actually exists makes me so very happy. xo amb”

To that I say: Dearest Amb, thanks for easing our minds… but anything involving Eka Darville is FNITN worthy! I also am super glad that this Emmy Category exists. I can store that one in the vault for our future “Funny Named Award Show Categories” feature, which is bound to be a crackerjack feature that’ll get the kidz talking!

Next we turn to Nominative Determinism in Local News expert Arto, who tells us Marijuana farmer Freddie Alexander Smoke III had been arrested on suspicion of recklessly causing a fire. A guy named “Smoke” who works with weed should be happy enough, but apparently the man had larger ambitions for making his name an even more apt descriptor. We hope the fire’s containment is rapid and justice is swift.

Now… where did I put my priorities… Oh, that’s right, I found them! Boxing! Boxing boxing boxing…sort of…

She used to box as “Hottie” Holly Holm, and then presumably punched guys who looked at her.

Former Women’s boxing champ-turned-mixed martial artist Holly Holm announced she has been signed to UFC!! It’s huge for the women’s division, possibly setting up a showdown with Ronda Rousey.

But that’s not all – in her official announcement on her Facebook page, Holm said she was indebted to her coach Mike Winkeljohn, her former promoter Lenny Fresquez, and the Legacy team including Mick Maynard. That’s a star-studded cast of awesome names right there!

We move on to another insanely fit female. In “Things Crazy People Do” news (also the topic of Wednesday’s post), former gymnast Kacy Catanzaro became the first woman ever to beat the American Ninja Warrior course. Watch it… it’s awesome! The Towson University alum brought national attention to her school, which led to people’s delightful realization that Maravene S. Loeschke is the current President of the university. Go Kacy and the Towson Tigers!

Maazel tov, music man, and may you find symphonies in heaven

From triumph to tragedy, we are sad to announce the deaths of two very different people this week. Former Golden Gloves champion boxer Cashmere Rip DeWayne Jackson passed away after a fender bender led to a series of events that caused her death.

And in the arts, America lost a legendary symphony conductor, Lorin Maazel, who died in his home at age 84. Described as “Intense and Enigmatic,” the former child prodigy went on to become conductor of the country’s most prestigious orchestras.

Back to boxing, where touted prospect Cletus Seldin (who is surprisingly a Russian New York Jew and not a redneck), is primed to make his epic ESPN debut. I can never root against a guy named Cletus!

That’s 700 words, so we’ll save the rest for Arto in FNITN 90. Until next week, may you wonder if a webpage is in fact a thing ducks walk on! (1:20 of this AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING video will help you understand)

An early webpage prototype. Seriously, watch the 1:20 mark of this video!!