Salutations everybody! It seems like it’s been ages since we had a Funny Names in the News, and perhaps that’s because it has. So thrilled to be back in the saddle again, to deliver your weekly dose of fantastic names, and all the news that’s unfit to print (but totally worth blogging!).
Mr. Sax, pictured with moustache, was totally our kind of guy!
Leading off this week’s lineup, nothing says news like a person being born 200 years ago. Adolphe Sax, inventor of the Sax-ophone (get it?) would have celebrated his 200th birthday last week. Mr. Sax may no longer be with us, but he lives on through sexy sax solos and Kenny G!
Ultra fun fact: Adolphe didn’t just invent the saxophone. He also invented such orchestral staples as the saxotromba, saxhorn and saxtuba. I think we all long for the days when “musical instrument inventor” was a viable career choice. We need more Adolphe Saxes!
From tremendous cultural contributions to something a bit less wholesome, Funny Names HQ has gotten word that Oneal Ron Morris is a “Toxic Tush Doctor” (that’s a direct quote from the article) who is facing 100 years in prison for injecting illegal substances in people’s butt implants. I long for the day when “tush doctor” (toxic or innocuous) is not a viable career choice!
In showbiz news, the vaunted cultural institution that is TMZ has reported that Andy Dick has been arrested for “Grand Theft Necklace.” Apparently Andy Dick was bicycling around town when he saw a guy with a cool necklace, and asked if he could take a look at it. The guy, recognizing Andy Dick, said yes, and then Mr. Dick pedaled off with his plunder. The highlight of the article: TMZ fit in a wonderful pun, saying that the actor “allegedly pulled a Dick move.”
Moving on to sports: in women’s boxing news, Delfine Persoon won by 9th round TKO over Diana Prazak, retaining her WBC lightweight title. The fight happened in Zwevezele, West-Vlaanderen, Belgium. Is it just me, or would you feel a tad uncomfortable calling a lady a “heavyweight” or perhaps even a “middleweight”? Especially one who could knock you out. I’m glad Persoon is a lightweight champ, for the sake of boxing writers everywhere!
In basketball news, Zaza Pachulia might have the best name in the NBA right now. What an amazing name!
Hayden Panettiere and fiance Wladimir Klitschko have a romance that is of otherworldly proportions!
Finally, the best headline I’ve seen all week (with original formatting left intact):
HAYDEN PANETTIERE
I’ve got a Klitschko
IN MY GIANT OVEN
Seriously – that’s exactly what the article said! The story: famed actress Hayden Panettiere and her fiancee – world heavyweight champion (and one of the best heavyweight champs ever) – Wladimir Klitschko, are having a baby. The issue: 5’0″ Panettiere is carrying the baby of the 6’6″, 245 lb champ, so the proportions may be a tad out of whack. Still, that’s going to be an awesome kid, whatever size it ends up! Let’s hope they give the child an amazing Ukrainian-American celebrity baby name… something like Zaza Pachulia!
That’s it for today’s long-awaited FNITN. Enjoy your Friday, everybody!
The Blog of Funny Names 
Wow! People magazine may have declared Chris Hemsworth the sexiest man alive, but this is the saxiest post alive. So this is the man I have to thank for every sax solo in every 80s song? I can hear St Elmo’s fire burning in me right now. And as to Hayden–I love eating sammiches and seasonal turkey chili at her family’s restaurant–oops, I confused Panera with Panettiere. I did not realize she had been impregnated by such a tall Ukrainian. It reminds me of when Melissa McCarthy’s bridesmaid character says of a tall man, “I’m gonna climb that like a tree.” I guess Hayden did. I see her constantly promoting “the touch, the feel of cotton,” but really, it was the touch, the feel of Wladimir Klitschko. BTW, I believe aggressively that women should take their husband’s last name (and skip the hyphenating because filling out a scantron test with all those letters is absurd), but in this case, no woman would want that last name. She gets a pass.
Haha soooo much goodness in the comments section this morning, thanks to a one-woman comment-fest!
Haha, I love the part about the Scantron test… my friend with the last name Berg-Kirkpatrick will agree!
I like that you “aggressively believe” in that… I can see you browbeating someone, saying “Take your husband’s last name!!!”
You’re the first person in a while who has brought up the weirdness of the name Klitschko to me. An ex-girlfriend and I had a laugh when we saw that Wladimir’s brother Vitali Klitschko (equally tall and intimidating, slightly slower but takes a better punch) was fighting Chris Arreola. Klitschko vs. Arreola is the kind of fight junior highschoolers would love, if they knew what those words meant 🙂
This is not possible. Klitschko vs Arreola? I would think Arreola could certainly take a better punch, but the junior highschooler might interject that Klitschko could take a pounding, so really, it could go either way. And toss in some fisticuffs, a blow to the head, a bum rush–and what about this? “When a boxer is dazed from getting hit hard on the head or has taken too many punches to the head he is said to be on Queer Street or taking a walk on Queer Street.” Talk about needing a minute to sit in a neutral corner…
Haha, wow “Queer Street” is one I haven’t heard in a long time except on some older broadcasts… I’m guessing it’s not PC to say someone’s on Queer Street these days, but it’s an interesting term!
You are a master at using boxing metaphors in a sexual context. I’m extremely impressed, Kerbey!
I’m gonna climb that like a tree … forgot that line so that’s a sign I need to rewatch Bridesmaids. Such a great movie, and I’m a huge supporter of female-fronted comedies!
And female fronts!
Haha, most certainly!!! 🙂
Last comment before I get back to doing medical stuff…
The Klitschko brothers are two remarkable dudes. The two greatest heavyweights of the past 15 years, and VERY intelligent. Both of them have PhD’s in Sports Science from the University of Kiev. Vitali presented his dissertation in 2000, and Wlad in 2001. They are the first two boxing champions to hold PhD’s. Wladimir speaks 3 or 4 languages, and Vitali is now the mayor of Kiev.
They’re both very high level chess players and enjoy playing each other, but they promised their mom they would never box each other, and never did. This meant that before Vitali’s retirement a year or two ago, there was no way of knowing who the true heavyweight champion was – Wlad held 4 belts and Vitali held 2. It was a two-headed Russian giant at the top of the division.
And just look at these guys! This photo was taken at one of their MANY Humanitarian events. http://www3.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Wladimir+Klitschko+Vitali+Klitschko+Ein+Herz+XCK7QuS4ZBGl.jpg
Such cool dudes!
Adolphe used to walk around with his instrument slung over his should. He wrote a song about it. It was called SaxyBack.
I’ll just use the exit over there.
No, stay! Don’t leave out the doggy door! I loved that comment! 🙂
FNiTN’s back. Yeah. I can’t possible follow up with anything else after Kerbey’s spectacular comments.
I know, she set the bar high, didn’t she?!? I’m just so glad to have FNITN for the first time in… way too long!
zaza-zoom!
Haha, that comment made me laugh way too loud!
Adolphe Sax. Nice ring to it. Shame that the name Adolphe has fallen out of favour because of some of its previous holders pulling some Dick moves. It’s a good name.
I know! The basketball player Dolph Schayes was another good example of an Adolph!
Hayden and Wladimer and certainly the short and long of it, Arto. And you just know they are doomed to have an average child.
And name him or her Joe or Sue.
Haha, I don’t know why I had to read that comment twice to catch the obvious pun there, but I have to say, I doubt they’ll have an average child! A Panettiere-Klitschko child is going to be exceptional, and hopefully have a better name than Joe or Sue!
Size-wise, I say average. Want to start a pool?
Haha, I kind of do, but what would we wager? I think this is actually a very intriguing question… I’d expect a slightly larger than average child…
We might not be able to find out, if they respect their right to privacy when the child is born. I wouldn’t want to be the person to poke dad for the inches of baby! The wager would have to be something like “height of child at 6 years old.” That would be too long to wait … But I do think it’s an intriguing concept, Dave. Big, small or average child from these two?
Slightly taller than average, but not Klitschko-sized!
You got it in the pool. I’m going with exactly average, Dave.
Sounds good! Let the 6 years commence! 🙂
Absence makes the heart go FNitNer!
Didn’t realize until this FNitN hiatus ended how much I was missing my weekly dose.
I didn’t realize how much I missed writing them! It’s so nice to be back into the FNiTN-groove!
Dave?! I had this one tagged as Arto, and I never even checked.
Just goes to show.
What, I don’t know.
But something.
Well, for a brief moment of time, I forgot to change the authorship, and it said it was by Arto for an hour or two. So yeah… let’s blame that…
good to read you, Dave. Clever as always! I did not know the guy who invented the saxophone had such a name. Can we safely assume then that Monsieur or Madame or Mademoiselle Flute invented the flute and so on? I suppose not. Great post and great comments 🙂
I sure hope we can assume that! In any case, I’m glad you enjoyed reading it. I certainly enjoyed writing FNITN again!!! It had been way too long!
http://weknowmemes.com/2011/12/too-much-sax-and-violins/