“Awards do not pay the mortgage.”–Kevin Chamberlin
I’m taking a poll. All those who don’t agree with the above quote, send me $100. Let’s prove it wrong.
Now, let’s get down to business. 2014 may be over, but the awards season for its achievements is just beginning. Not to be outdone, let’s be the first to throw out meaningless accolades in the new year, with the second annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards, honoring the best of the past year’s funny names previously covered in these pages. Yes, we do consider it an honor. By the way, due to numerous complaints from readers, we have dropped last year’s requirement that you be wearing a tuxedo or evening gown when you read this post. But please, no tank tops or bare feet; and if you do chose formal attire, wearing both a tuxedo and an evening gown at the same time would be awesome!
It’s going to be tough to outdo last year’s winners. How do you top the likes of 2013 Funny-Named Athlete of the Year, Barkevious Mingo and 2013 Funny Name in the News of the Year, Janice “Lokelani” Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele? The latter should also win a special achievement award as the longest name ever presented herein–or maybe anywhere else for that matter. Anyway, we may not be able to top them, but let’s give it a go.
Two of these will be awarded for Englebert Humperdinck. Sadly, this still doesn’t make a whole horse.
We’ll start with a bit of nostalgia and bestow the 2014 Funny-named Entertainer of the Year on Engelbert Humperdinck. Both of them! The cheesy 1960’s and 70’s British pop singer and the not-quite-as-cheesy 19th century German opera composer. British Englebert had a number of top 40 hits back in the day, the first and biggest of which, Release Me, peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in April of 1967. German Englebert composed any number of forgotten hodge-podges, but had one smashing success, Hänsel und Gretel, which premiered in 1893 under the baton of one Richard Strauss. It has held down the #1 spot on the Fairy Tale-Themed Opera hit parade for most of the 120+ years since. Oh, he also had a cheesy pop singer copy his name. Our correspondent Kerbey originally profiled the British Engelbert back in April of last year, and included a shout out to the late German composer.
Next up is the 2014 Funny Named Athlete of the Year award, and the field of nominees is a crowded one. With the likes of World Series MVP and Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Madison Bumgarner, Funniest Names in the NFL Draft poll runner-up Jadaveon Clowney, Minor League Baseball Moniker Madness runner-up Joey Pankake, and probable NFL Offensive Rookie-of-the-Year Odell Beckham, Jr. all in the running, it’s going to be hard to pick a winner. But since we have to, the envelope please!
And the winner is….none of the above, because there is just no way we can deny our readers’ wishes. The winner is the 2014 Funniest Name in the NFL Draft poll champion Ha-Ha Clinton Dix. He was not chosen as early in the NFL draft as Clowney and did not have as great a rookie year as Beckham, Jr. But he sure led the league in bad jokes on his name.
Next, we move on to Funny-Named Politician of the Year. I was very tempted to delve into the realm of nostalgia again, and award posthumous trophies to two classics I profiled back in July: Harry Baals and Wankard Pooser. But those names are in such an elite class of their own, it seems almost unfair to award them Horseys. So instead, we’ll actually name this award after them, and give the 2014 Wankard–Baals Award for the funniest name in politics to one Zephyr Rains Teachout. Profiled by Arto back in September, Ms. Teachout had the audacity to challenge the unfunny-named, but very powerful Andrew Cuomo, for the New York Democratic gubernatorial nomination. She lost; but she won our hearts. Being that she is a professor of constitutional law–a teacher!–at the Vermont School of Law, we need to create another new honor for actually being her name. Let’s call it the Major Major Major Major Aptly-Named Award. Too bad she doesn’t look like Henry Fonda; the image below could have been her campaign poster.
He’s not Major Major Major Major, but he sure looks like him.
Moving on to the 2014 Funniest Name in the News Award, we have a dilemma. Nothing could possibly top the aforementioned 2013 winner, Janice K. We have limited storage space on WordPress, so we can only spell out her name so many times, even though the abbreviation makes her appear to be the sister of Joseph K., from Kafka’s The Trial. And again, space limitations prevent us from naming the award after her. So let’s be brief. The winner this year is pop singer Iggy Azalea, for repeated news mentions mainly due to legal problems and for having a name that sounds more like a coniferous evergreen than an actual person. She was first covered here in a Funny Names in the News post in August. Hopefully this will be her last mention.
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for–well, I’ve been waiting for it because my hands are cramping up from all this typing–the ultimate award, The 2014 Funny-Named Person of the Year.
May we have a drum roll please. Ratattattat
And now a trumpet fanfare. Tarantara
And finally, one stupendous, ear-splitting volley of flatulence! Pffffffffffttttttttttttt!
And if that introduction did not clue you in to the identity of the winner, you clearly have not been reading this blog very closely. Because, yes, our winner is the man who famously described his own name as sounding like “a fart in a bathtub,” the irrepressible British actor Benedict Cumberbatch. He’s been nominated for both an Emmy as best actor for his portrayal of the title character in the BBC TV series Sherlock, and for a Golden Globe as best actor for his portrayal of Alan Turing in The Imitation Game. He’ll almost certainly get an Oscar nomination for the latter role, as well. But he doesn’t have to wait to actually win an award. He’s got one now. So let’s give him a big round of applause and drown out all that flatulence. Or at least the sound of it.
Benedict Cumberbatch, Funny-Named Person of the Year. Only his name is flatulent.
Check out the insanity on my own blog here, and have a happy and prosperous 2015
Cheers,
The Blog of Funny Names 
Woohoo! The Horsey Awards are back!!! One of my favorite posts of the year!
Love the trophy and comment for Engelbert! (I’m “Live-commenting” as I read this, in case that isn’t obvious) 🙂
Ha-Ha Clinton Dix is THE best name in sports, without question! Great pic!
I’m bummed we couldn’t get Joey Pankake to #1 in this year’s Moniker Madness like we helped do for Sicnarf Loopstok last year. I must amend my previous comment though… Sicnarf Loopstok ties Ha-Ha Clinton Dix for best name in sports!
All of those Politics names are awesome! Zephyr Teachout is one I encountered 2 or 3 times this year, and each time I had to tell Arto… then I realized he had covered it already, because how could you see that name and not cover it!!
I hope this isn’t the last we hear of Iggy! This was the year of Iggy Azalea… she brought our blog more hits than anyone this year, and occupied the top slot in the Billboard charts for over a month. She can be obnoxious, for sure, but I really enjoy her songs “Fancy” and “Change Your Life.” Plus, an Australian rapper achieving success using a style from the American South is the kind of weird cultural trivia that we eat up here at the BoFN.
It’s also prompted a lot of discussions of cultural appropriation to enter the mainstream, which is a meaningful contribution. We’ll see what her next move is… it honestly could go either way, but I hope she becomes like Macklemore and becomes a force for racial healing in the hip hop community.
Congrats to Benedict! He’s a very worthy winner. Has a sense of humor about his own name, and is talented and fantastic. Congrats to the 2014 BoFN Horsey Awards winner for Person of the Year! (Where’s Amb to comment on his dreamy eyes when you need her?!?!)
Congratulations to Mr. Cumberbatch (who, like other nominees) makes saying his name in Pig Latin quite challenging). When I googled “Benedict Cumberbatch looks like…”, google filled it in with “turtle.” Pity that. So he has so many things for which to be thankful. BC sounds very uppity, the complete opposite of Wankard Pooser, which sounds like two insults. Wiki says Pooser’s headstone says this:
The one and only
Wankard POOSER
She love me too
27 Sep 1893
22 Feb 1978
To be continued
That’s weird, eh? We’ll put that on the Blog of Funny Headstones, along w/ Rodney Dangerfield’s “There Goes The Neighborhood.”
I love that ridiculous headstone, and completely agree with a Blog of Funny Headstones, or at least a Funny Headstones feature. One submission for that category is the spoof one that we made for a FNITN a while back, designed by me but heavily inspired by Amb: https://funnynamesblog.com/2014/03/07/funny-names-in-the-news-74-with-a-travolta-revolta-some-ghastly-news-and-a-zany-announcement/
Ah, yes, Mr. Egon Spengler, RIP. I do recall this post. For the sake of fun, I went and Travoltified my name again on that generator, and it became Sophia Warshington, which is not really very funny at all. That’s more like countrified. Warshing clothes.
One of the better moments of my life was when my brother Rob walked into a Taco Bell wearing a fake wrestling championship belt, and tasted the “Mountain Dew Baja Blast” and said “Ugh! It’s Mouthwarsh!”
“Warshing” also reminds me of Loretta Lynn (one of my favorite singers) in “Coal Miner’s Daughter” saying “Mama scrubbed our clothes on the worshboard ever’day”!
LOL priceless Bell memories you have. And I agree that Loretta had a certain Kentucky dialect in her songs about Butcher Hollow “Holler.”
Congratulations to all the winners. Well done, Mark. Smashing job with the finale!
😀 I take my responsibilities seriously. Even the un-serious ones.
Bravo to the winners and the talented MC Mark! Now pardon me while I change out of my tux and evening gown and back into the snowveralls …
Yes, I am making a (now rare!) appearance in the blogsphere in honour of this post, which I absolutely loved. Yes, Mark, I’m afraid I am indeed wearing a tank top (but if it helps, there are approximately 7,532 layers on top of it, because I am still here in Canada, even if I’m not online). No, Dave, you weren’t overly excited in your messages telling me about this post; Benedict is worth every exclamation mark! (and two amb-mentions per live-commenting session happens to be the perfect amount).
I’m actually just back home after seeing The Imitation Game, and in my (totally biased) opinion, my beloved Benny C deserves all of our accolades and more. He was marvelous!
As are you all. Happy New Year, kittens! Sending much love from my oft-absent (but still so geeky) heart. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go add another 42 layers onto my pajamas, and get to bed.
xo.
Yay amb! It’s so nice to read another comment of yours. I’m glad you’re bundling up… it’s cold here in San Diego so I’m sure it’s absurdly cold in T-dot! I MUST go see The Imitation Game soon… Turing is so awesome, and I could use a good movie. Happy sailing until next time!
while bc does have a funny moniker, indeed – it is all worth it. )
😀
Cumberbatch deserves all the honors imaginable, his moniker has inspired the imaginations of thousands of name enthusiasts around the world. Great to see a real movie star with such an enjoyable name.
Deserving winners all around, particularly Ha-Ha Clinton Dix, whose name you could say is literally laugh out loud funny. Ha-Ha.
Awesome job with the Awards. I will wear a tux sometime within the next five years to honor this ceremony.
Am late to the par-tay. Well done–great collection of names. We are awesome, aren’t we? 😉 You are awesome for writing this post.
Aw, shucks.
Me too late for the par-tayyyyyyyy.
Bravo, bravo, a very worthy and impressive trophy distribution. Bravo, bravo!
Is it just me or did someone else sense an Amb-blip around here?
Just me? Oh. OK.
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