Howdy doody cowboys!!! Notice how I didn’t capitalize “cowboys” there? There’s a reason for that… there ain’t none “Cowboys” in today’s post. Instead, there’ll be a few Patriots, and a couple of Seahawks. Plus our usual assortment of funny names in the news. Sounds like a party!
This is a truly SuperB owl!
Unlike last year’s “Marijuana Bowl” (where the Broncos & Seahawks – the NFL representatives of the two states that legalized pot – played in the Superb Owl), we’ll only have one team whose fans can (legally) smoke themselves into oblivion if they lose. But we’re bound to see some football and some funny names.
Funny Names from the New England Patriots:
- LeGarrette Blount
- Jimmy Garoppolo
- Stephen Gostkowski
- Rob Gronkowski
- Dont’a Hightower
- Michael Hoomanawanui
- Sealver Siliga
- Rob Ninkovich
JR Sweezy looks tough… I hope he realizes our goal is to *celebrate* funny names. I hope for all of our sake, he understands that!
Funny Names from the Seattle Seahawks:
- Kam Chancellor
- Demarcus Dobbs
- Garry Gilliam
- Steven Hauschka
- Cooper Helfet
- Lemuel Jeanpierre
- Ricardo Lockette
- O’Brien Schofield
- J.R. Sweezy
- Tharold Simon
Based on those names, it’s tough to say who I’ll be rooting for, but Dont’a Hightower and J.R. Sweezy are two names I’ll look forward to seeing on the gridiron.
Enjoy football day!
In other sports news, our esteemed correspondent Mark “The Shark” Sackler informs us that perennial BoFN favorite Madison Bumgarner is getting a run for his “Madison money” by two other Madisons – Madison Keys and Madison Brengle – who made some news at the Australian Open tennis tournament.
Marky Mark also tells us that “backwardly-named” Taylor Harry Fritz was the only American to make it through to the men’s junior singles quarterfinals. Way to go Fritz! Or Harry! Or Taylor!
On to hockey, where goalie Reto Berra scored a goal for the AHL’s Lake Erie Monsters! The only thing better than a goalie with an awesome name is a goalie with an awesome name scoring a goal for an awesomely-named team!
Reto’s Extraordinary Shot
Deontay Wilder (Left) may have been the better boxer, but Bermane Stiverne (right) has the better dreads!
On to news of the greatest sport, BOXING! Recently, Deontay Wilder of Tuscaloosa, Alabama became the first US Heavyweight champion in nearly a decade, with his victory over Haitian-Canadian former champ Bermane Stiverne.
Closing out the sports section, a European football (soccer) coach has a pronunciation of impressively-accomplished BoFN favorite Gylfi Sigurdsson that must be heard to be believed. Hat tip to Eurosport correspondent Arto for this one!
Football is fun when you play it without hands and bumble all the players’ names!
Moving on to human interest nudes news, the long-standing British tradition of The Sun newspaper’s topless Page 3 ladies “came to an end” recently, in a move met with cautious support from Page 3 critics, but also some criticism from models such as Rhian Sugden.
But the next day, it emerged that it was a giant fake-out, and ladies on page 3 ARE STILL FREE to go shirtless! (I don’t think that’s a popular interpretation of the events). Seems like The Sun is benefiting from the publicity, but perhaps it’s also a sign that if you have awesome-named spokespeople like Rhian Sugden, your side will win in the end.
Finally, a touching story from a local Fox station about a vacuum salesman named Al Archie, who went to an autistic, vacuum-loving child’s birthday party, and apparently moved the room to tears. Both autistic children and vacuum salesmen need more people to be kind and friendly… then again, don’t we all?
That’s it for this week! Enjoy the super bowl and join us next week for more funny names!
The Blog of Funny Names 
I would have to agree with you about the Dont’a Hightower and JR Sweezy. “Sweezy” makes me think of someone who it the perfect combination of swanky and sleazy. I hope this would not offend Mr. Sweezy, though. It also makes me think of someone who could be both sweet and sneezy.
I dont’a even know what to say about “Dont’a” (I couldn’t help but entertain that bad pun)!
I have missed being here as often as I used to be! And, as usual, I love reading your posts, Dave!
Thanks Lucky Wreck! We’ve missed you a lot! So good to have you back!
Any name with a punctuation mark is a winner in my book. Not sure what the other BoFN columnists think, but I’m totally smitten with Dont’a.
“Sweezy”… not sure what it is about it, but I just love that name! So glad you agree, and I like your analysis. 🙂
I say we’re only two letters away from another ganja bowl, Dave-ster, or at least a big spliff, what with LaGarrette Blount playing for the Patriots and Demarcus Dobbs suiting up for the Seahawks. There just might be some bleary-eyed, snacking fans who got an early start who read their jerseys as Blunt and Doobs, don’t you think?
Wow, so good! I didn’t even think of those puns! That’s what I get for writing a post the night before a histology final! 🙂 Thanks for the brilliant stuff, Mark!
Great, Dave, now I have to go look up histology. You are so damn smart. 🙂
I’m sorry that you had to look up histology. So sorry. It’s probably my least favorite part of med school!
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histology
Histology (compound of the Greek words: ἱστός histos “tissue”, and -λογία -logia “science”) is the study of the microscopic anatomy of cells and tissues of plants and animals. zzzzzzzzzz — No wonder, Dave-ster. Not like those classes where you hold a human heart in your hands.
Yep! Those are a lot more fun! I’ve recently found out that many histologists have a bit of an odd-ball reputation too 🙂
My imagination is running away with that one, Dave. Happy Super Bowl Sunday. Seahawks?
Sweezy makes me think of Weezy on “The Jeffersons,” which reminds me that fish don’t fry in the kitchen, unless it’s a Friday Fish Fry (which it IS today, woot woot!). I shudder to think there truly is a Dont’a Hightower. I can’t believe you went there. Oh, no you din’t. Oh, no you dont’a. I like what you did with the superb owl. You should be like a doctor or something, with that brain. And what did we call it when a vacuum salesman is named Al Archie? That’s nominative determinism or something, right? I am telling you, Bermane’s sweet turquoise belt could be held vertically and BOOM, it becomes a 1985 Swatch Watch. I would buy that.
I would buy that watch too… and then turn it sideways to convince people I’m a world champion!
Is there a such thing as a Friday Fish Fry in Texas?!? To quote Liz Lemon: “I want to go to there!”
Haha, thanks for the career advice! That made me laugh out loud!
It’s so good to hear you talk about nominative determinism!
Maybe it’s a Southern thing. Texas isn’t considered part of the south; we don’t have antebellum mansions covered in Spanish moss, but most Baptist churches (I don’t go to one) have fish fries. And catfish restaurants. And barbecue restaurants. Even Short Stop, the nasty fast food chain, has Friday fish fry specials. None in Cali? Just tilapia tacos?
Wow, no Friday fish fry specials here, but I’d like to go to one. Back when Arto and I were going to school in Calgary (’05-’07) we liked to go to a southern restaurant that sold good stuff like Catfish Po’ Boys and fried pickles. The south can be tons of fun!
I know nothing of Calgary except that they have a stampede, right? A huge rodeo? So that makes sense to have catfish, although po’ boys are Cajun. I don’t get it.
Yep, their claim to fame is definitely the Calgary stampede, and maybe the Calgary Flames hockey team next. It was an alright city but not anywhere either of us ended up staying for long!
As a Seattle Fan, I’m loving this post! And our Governor has ordered three consecutive days for moments of loudness at 12:12 p.m.. Only in a legalized “doobs” state.
Either way, Sunday will be fun. Thanks for the laugh.
Wow, a moment of loudness is the greatest idea I’ve ever heard! What an enchanted state!
these rosters seal it for me, pats take it by a mile with the names )
I’ve heard the Pats’ quarterback is fairly handsome too….
As for the pats winning the roster names category… J.R. Sweezy has something to say about that!
yeh, i guess some would say that about tom b, and he’s a former michigan wolverine too, but sweezy this!
I really hope the kids start saying “Sweezy” or “Sweezy this”! It’s such a fun word to say, and I’d like to fit in with the cool kids!