7th Annual Poll, Funniest Names in The NFL Draft

“If I could remember the names of all these particles, I’d be a botanist.”–Enrico Fermi

Ah, spring has sprung.   Flowers are blooming.  The world is reborn (just ask Tiger Woods if you don’t believe that one).  And that means one special thing: it’s time for the 7th annual funniest names in the NFL draft poll.  As sure as the spring pollens emerge, so do the weird and wonderful names that populate the NFL.   And as for that identity crisis, unless they are paranoid about their strange monikers, none of the nominees  have to worry about it.  They are all well-known–most of them–already.

So what will it be this year?  We’ve had short names (Jake Butt), long names (Halapoulivaati Vaitai), double-barrelled names (Ha-ha Clinton-Dix), write-in names (Jaquiski Tartt), aristocratic sounding names (Equanimeous St. Brown) and even a name that sounds like a Dothroki warrior (Barkevious Mingo), win the previous six iterations.

Without further ado, let’s skip to the chase.  Here are this year’s nominees.  As usual, I’ll say what I think the name sounds like it’s owner should be, if not a football player.

Just the man to front Lil’ Jordan

Lil’ Jordan Humphrey–WR, University of Texas.  How’s this for a start.  We’ve had many a double-barrelled names among the ranks of contestants.  Even a double-double-barrelled winner in Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix.  But we’ve never had an apostraphe-d name seriously compete.  OK, I just made up the word “apostrophe-d,” but give me a break.  We need some way to describe it.   And I threw in a hyphen just for added confusion.  What I think his name sounds like: the bass singer from Little Anthony and the Imperials.

Rock Ya-Sin–CB, Temple.  I just love how this name flows off the tongue.  There always has to be a nickname or two in the list (again, we recall “Ha-Ha” Clinton-Dix), and this year we have a couple of them.  His given name is actually Abdurrahaman.  What I think his name sounds like:  a rap artist from Taiwan.

Ceejhay French-Love, TE, Arizona State.  Nicknames and alliterative names  always play well in this poll.  But for my money, I love a great double-barreled name, and you literally have to love this one.  So much so, in fact, that I parted with convention and picked somebody who is  more likely to wind up being an undrafted free agent; this one is too good to leave out.  What I think his name sounds like: Sorry–not touching this one with a ten foot tongue.

My name….Oshane Ximenes

Oshane Ximenes–LB, Old Dominion  I’m curious to know exactly what ethnicity or nationality this name hails from.  How often do  you see a last name starting with X? What I think his name sounds like: The Greek pronunciation of Jose Jimenez.

Greedy Williams, CB, LSU–OK, his given name is Andraez, and while Williams is a rather pedestrian surname, I just love the nickname.  And while it seems a rather appropriate sobriquet for a cornerback intent on swiping the ball from opposing receivers, that’s not how he got it.  His aunt called him “Greedy-Deedee” after babysitting him in his infancy.  He’s also likely to be a first round pick.  What I think his name sounds like: a bag man for the mob.

In the TakiTaki Tiki Room

Sione Takitaki, LB, BYU–Here’s a name that’s not quite like anything we’ve ever showcased in this feature.  Like French-Love, he’s more likely to wind up playing in Canada–or the arena league, but this was another one too good to omit.    What I think his name sounds like: the designer of Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room.

You can vote as often as you like (“Vote early and vote often.”–Al Capone).  And write-ins are allowed and encouraged.  You can even write in the name of the next politician you’d like to see flattened with a corner blitz,  but be sure to consider these honorable mentions: Kingsley Keke, Jachai Polite, Devine Ozigba, Freedom Akinmladun, Yodney Cajuste, D’Cota Dixon, Deebo Samuel and just about any other combination you can find the next time you spill a bowl of alphabet soup.  Happy voting–and here’s hoping  your team drafts the funniest name.

Voting closes at noon, EDT, Monday May 6.

 

 

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About Mark Sackler

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."-Alan Kay; Let's invent a better future, together.
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8 Responses to 7th Annual Poll, Funniest Names in The NFL Draft

  1. Pingback: 7th Annual Poll–Funnies Names in The NFL Draft – The Millennium Conjectures™

  2. kerbey says:

    You are certainly on your game, as far as your name awareness for THIS game. Super props for use of both pedestrian and sobriquet in one breath, two terms with which I feel many of those names might not be familiar. While I should like to vote for my fellow Longhorn alumni, I cannot condone the positioning of the apostrophe in said name. So I have to go with the one from the tiki hut. It brings to mind some of my favorite things: mid-century camp, colorful alcoholic cocktails, exotic cuisine–and it says it TWICE. P.S. he will appeal to the Generation Z crowd, who made the hit “Hot Cheetos & Takis” go viral…

  3. ksbeth says:

    done, a challenge, but done.

  4. wdydfae says:

    “. . . Mark returns!!! As usual, he takes that pig iron and drives it down the center net for a triple hookie. Aw, heck, make that a quadruple hookie!!! . . .”

    “. . . Almost every one of the choices is so equally and fantastically awesome that I voted for the one that was not quite as fantastically awesome as the other five . . . It only seemed fair . . .”

    “. . . Did anyone but me notice that double-barreled is itself double-barreled? . . .”

  5. Arto says:

    Couldn’t resist French-Love. Too perfect.

    Another great crop of names this year! Hard to beat that Hall of Fame list from years before that you started with, but these are all prettttty good.

  6. Pingback: 6th Annual Poll: Funniest Names In The 2018 NFL Draft | The Blog of Funny Names

  7. Rock Ya-Sin just rolls off the tongue. Great list of names, Mark!

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