This post appears concurrently on The Millennium Conjectures
“I want to own an NFL franchise. I understand the business of football.”-Jon Bon Jovi
I honestly have no idea if Jon Bon Jovi understands the business of football. But with a name like his, he should certainly understand this piece of NFL business. Yes, it’s that time of the year again–the 8th annual poll of the funniest names in the NFL draft. Presented this year with a little extra voting time because, hey, what else is there to do besides stream endless 60s sitcom reruns during this social lockdown? So vote early, vote often, and yuck it up for these great names–just make sure you’re laughing at least six feet away from the next guy. I guarantee these monikers will all be crowd pleasers. [And of course, this feature wouldn’t be complete without my postulation of what these names might be, if they didn’t belong to football players]
Oh, and if you run out of reruns to watch, here are the links to the past 7 iterations of this hallowed annual tradition.
- 1st Poll (2013): Barkevious Mingo
- 2nd Annual Poll: Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix
- 3rd Annual Poll: Jaquiski Tartt
- 4th Annual Poll: Halapoulivaati Vitai
- 5th Annual Poll: Jake Butt
- 6th Annual Poll, Equanimeous St. Brown
- 7th Annual Poll, Rock Ya-Sin
Est your heart out, Sir Galahad
Tristan Wirfs, OT, Iowa–A rather royal European sounding name for a born and bred hawkeye. He’s super athletic, and though he may not win this poll, he could be the highest drafted player in this group. He’s a first rounder for sure. At 6’5″, 322 lbs., who’s going stand in his way? What I think his name sounds like: A minor knight of the round table.
Prince Tega Wanogho, OT, Auburn–Do we see a pattern here? This draft is loaded with talent at offensive tackle prospects, so it’s fitting we have two in our prime list of candidates. And believe me, this is one offensive tackle you don’t want to offend. He’s stands 6′ 7″, 305 lbs. What I think his name sounds like: a potty training phrase for the future king of the Maoris.
Yetur Gross-Matos, DE, Penn State–Ah, I just love those double-barrelled names. And compared to those first two guys, he’s a svelt 265 lbs. That’s a good thing. If he was the size of Tristan or Prince, he’d hardly fit into Penn State. Oh, and he has a sister named Qeturah. What I think his name sounds like: The great-great-great-great-great-great-great-greant-great grandson of Ghengis Khan.
CeeDee’s cousin?
CeeDee Lamb, WR, WR, Oklahoma–This name does not so much sound funny as it looks funny. Hearing it, you would expect it to be spelled C.D., not CeeDee. Maybe his parents were phonetically challenged. What I think his name sounds like: a cartoon wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Leki Fotu, DT, Utah– This draft is heavy with linemen–pun maybe intended. At 335 pounds he’s the biggest of this bunch. And at just 8 letters for given and family name, it’s the shortest tag since Jake Butt won the title a few years ago. A small name name for a big man. What I think his name sounds like: a character from norse mythology.
As usual, there’s a gang of honorable mentions eligible for write-ins. They include, but are not limited to, Tua Tagolaivoa, Quintes Cephus, Jabari, Zuniga, Justin Strnad (no, that last name is not a typo), Bravvion Roy, Tremayne Anchrum, and if you think they might make a good offensive tackle, any Sumo wrestler whose name you can spell. You can vote as many times as you like. Voting closes at noon, EDT, Monday April 27.
Pingback: 8th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in The NFL Draft. – The Millennium Conjectures™
i love these, thanks for the smile, mark –
😀
This is a hard one. All of these people could clock me, so I don’t want to offend. I cannot in good conscience vote for someone who was given a regal name, because of my visceral reaction to it. It’s like if a friend named her daughter Duchess. The chances for nominative determinism there are almost null; why make mockery of your offspring’s ineptness? Wirfs is fun to say. I can imagine the coach yelling at him in the locker room. “Wirfs, what were you thinking out there? Did you not eat your 17 chicken breasts today?” I think I’ll have to be counter-instinctual and vote on the side of brevity, for the Leaky Photo, which reminds me of the stinky smell still on Polaroids I took in the 80s. If that chemical is so powerful 40 years later, maybe Leki will be, too.
This is an odd year. There are plenty of good candidates, but nobody stands out like a Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix, Jake Butt, or Barkevious Mingo.
Ya just never know where Kerb’s gonna go, but wherever it is ya know it’s gonna be a free associatin’ roller coaster ride . . .
“. . . Mark’s much anticipated return has ‘poll vaulted’ that views-per-day bar up into the realms of former BoFN glory . . .”
“. . . A disappointing showing for CeeDee who is neither DE nor DT, but WR . . .”
“. . . Mark comes in like a Hail Mary pass and kicks that post over the crossbar for a fabulous field goal! . . .”
i always look forward to this post, and you have come through once again. my favorite this time is
‘yetur gross-matus’, because, as an early childhood teacher, all i can think of is ‘yes sir, gross motor’, like a positive note on a child’s physical education portion of their report card. an apt title for a star athlete, i think.
Yetur had my vote, but he came in a distant 2nd.
Hey, do not despair. Voting is open for another 10 days or so. Go out there and campaign!
Yetur Gross-Matos
2020
Make Your Vote Matos!
Gross-Matos to the Max
Vote Yetur!
2020
Vote Early, Often and Yetur-gain!
Gross-Matos
2020