This post appears concurrently on The Millennium Conjectures
“I want to own an NFL franchise. I understand the business of football.”-Jon Bon Jovi
I honestly have no idea if Jon Bon Jovi understands the business of football. But with a name like his, he should certainly understand this piece of NFL business. Yes, it’s that time of the year again–the 8th annual poll of the funniest names in the NFL draft. Presented this year with a little extra voting time because, hey, what else is there to do besides stream endless 60s sitcom reruns during this social lockdown? So vote early, vote often, and yuck it up for these great names–just make sure you’re laughing at least six feet away from the next guy. I guarantee these monikers will all be crowd pleasers. [And of course, this feature wouldn’t be complete without my postulation of what these names might be, if they didn’t belong to football players]
Oh, and if you run out of reruns to watch, here are the links to the past 7 iterations of this hallowed annual tradition.
- 1st Poll (2013): Barkevious Mingo
- 2nd Annual Poll: Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix
- 3rd Annual Poll: Jaquiski Tartt
- 4th Annual Poll: Halapoulivaati Vitai
- 5th Annual Poll: Jake Butt
- 6th Annual Poll, Equanimeous St. Brown
- 7th Annual Poll, Rock Ya-Sin
Tristan Wirfs, OT, Iowa–A rather royal European sounding name for a born and bred hawkeye. He’s super athletic, and though he may not win this poll, he could be the highest drafted player in this group. He’s a first rounder for sure. At 6’5″, 322 lbs., who’s going stand in his way? What I think his name sounds like: A minor knight of the round table.
Prince Tega Wanogho, OT, Auburn–Do we see a pattern here? This draft is loaded with talent at offensive tackle prospects, so it’s fitting we have two in our prime list of candidates. And believe me, this is one offensive tackle you don’t want to offend. He’s stands 6′ 7″, 305 lbs. What I think his name sounds like: a potty training phrase for the future king of the Maoris.
Yetur Gross-Matos, DE, Penn State–Ah, I just love those double-barrelled names. And compared to those first two guys, he’s a svelt 265 lbs. That’s a good thing. If he was the size of Tristan or Prince, he’d hardly fit into Penn State. Oh, and he has a sister named Qeturah. What I think his name sounds like: The great-great-great-great-great-great-great-greant-great grandson of Ghengis Khan.
CeeDee Lamb, WR, WR, Oklahoma–This name does not so much sound funny as it looks funny. Hearing it, you would expect it to be spelled C.D., not CeeDee. Maybe his parents were phonetically challenged. What I think his name sounds like: a cartoon wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Leki Fotu, DT, Utah– This draft is heavy with linemen–pun maybe intended. At 335 pounds he’s the biggest of this bunch. And at just 8 letters for given and family name, it’s the shortest tag since Jake Butt won the title a few years ago. A small name name for a big man. What I think his name sounds like: a character from norse mythology.
As usual, there’s a gang of honorable mentions eligible for write-ins. They include, but are not limited to, Tua Tagolaivoa, Quintes Cephus, Jabari, Zuniga, Justin Strnad (no, that last name is not a typo), Bravvion Roy, Tremayne Anchrum, and if you think they might make a good offensive tackle, any Sumo wrestler whose name you can spell. You can vote as many times as you like. Voting closes at noon, EDT, Monday April 27.